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So my daughter and I have been having a lot of dialog over the past few years about labels. There is something about this generation that is bleeding over into other generations, however I see it most prevalent in the younger kids.
Some of the catalyst was because my son came home from a sleepover and he was upset last weekend .. honestly .. I think it was the fact he had to return a game .. LOL .. bless his heart .. he was in rare form and started in about the other kids picking at him and telling him what he was .. bad at video games and he isn't up on the latest youtube (I call it youpuker from time to time .. lol) .. the verbal vomit that goes on it just a waste of time .. now just like with the internet as a whole there are positive things .. there is discernment and what works and doesn't work for others.
My response was .. hmm .... let's think about what you are good at .. let's see .. we listed off a bunch of games he's finished and his friends haven't .. we talked about the books he's read and his friends haven't .. we talked about the sites he does visit and what he likes and doesn't like about the site he watched with his friends. He then started to say something again and regurgitate the verbal vomit he had already heard .. I stopped him and said .. ok .. so if your friend/s tell you .. you are a rock .. that makes it true? My daughter laughed at that one and said .. hey D .. that's new .. I haven't heard that one. (She means in conversations we've had in the past .. LOL) His response was priceless because he's 9 it was umm .. mom .. seriously .. I'm not a rock. I said well I don't know .. are you sure? I only want you to be sure if someone tells you .. D .. you are a rock .. you know .. you aren't. I tickled him and said nope .. you don't feel like a rock .. you are soft and gooshie to me .. let's see .. do you have two eyes? Yes, mom Do you have a nose, ears, mouth, teeth, hair, .. him .. MOM .. LOL .. I"M NOT A ROCK!! Ok .. if you are sure ..
In our house this means a long discussion about the demise of the free world over labels and the people who need to make someone just a label .. Yes .. I'm sure every teenager and pre-teens dream to have this discussion with their parent .. lol .. and my children wished they lived there from time to time .. lol. It is important to me that the kids understand regardless of the labels other people put on them they are more than just that so I gave them examples about the labels that could be applied to me.
I'm a bastard in the literal sense of the term (I was adopted and my bio-parents weren't married)
I have acrophobia not so bad I won't fly .. however rollercoasters and tall buildings present a challenge .. no panic attacks just don't like to get close to edges OR see other people do it .. huge fear. Supposedly in another life I shoved my mom off a cliff .. I did ask her could we try it again and see if it's really true. I was 12 at the time .. LOL. From time to time if she's irritating me I will tell her don't make me find another cliff.
I'm a two time looser in marriage. (second divorce in process)
I'm co-dependent
I'm lazy (I'm a single mom on state aide, there fore this must be true, not only that my stbax's atty said so .. it REALLY must be true)
I'm crazy (according to my stbax and his family)
Apparently I have suffered with anxiety and depression much of my life, I knew about the depression my anger issues and lack of ability to express myself)
I am stupid (this is based upon what I was told as a child)
I'm an addict (sugar is my downfall)
I'm heterosexual (since there is a big push to let others know where that stands)
I'm undesirable according to magazines
I'm fat (I had the opposite eating disorder when I was younger, I was anorexic .. )
I'm a woman (right there I've got at least one strike against me according to society I'm not worth as much pay as the opposite sex, I'm the weaker sex)
I think I've made my point .. this is what I'm trying to explain to my daughter recently .. it was a discussion in therapy actually when we stick ourselves in boxes what happens to us .. the box gets smaller and smaller until .. where do you go? We adapt to the small living space and don't realize we can just open the box .. it's not nailed shut it's just a cardboard box. Part of the reason for this conversation was a meeting I was at and it was a fellow alanon sister talking about the box and how small it was for her and then she had her HP in the box with her. She couldn't breathe and OMGOSH .. I could completely relate to this idea.
When I worry about what other people think OR I place bars on my windows so I can't get outside the box. When I think I need to place a label on myself because it will make other people feel comfortable that I know my place. Well that's a big bowl of crap and I eat it one spoonful at a time. Now because of my age and many years of therapy ... and alanon .. I know better .. a bowl of crap neither smells good or tastes good .. I choose not to eat it anymore .. I've eaten enough crap it turned my eyes brown .. I'm only 1/2 kidding .. LOL.
Now my list consists of things that are true .. true from observation and facts. there is nothing emotional on that list .. maybe a couple of feelings .. I'll give that .. that is NOT who I am.
I am adopted .. that's a circumstance I can't control it is what it is.
Yes I have a healthy fear of heights .. lol .. I also hiked the Grand Canyon .. I never did look down .. LOL! That was a trick considering dealing with the donkey's that I shared the trail with and NO WAY I was getting another 6 ft up on that one. I hate take offs and landings (not crazy about turbulence) I'm ok inside a plane.
Yes, divorce number 2 .. ugh .. not proud .. my picker has been broken now .. it's just out of order because it needs repair.
I'm codependent learning how to handle that differently thank you Alanon and therapy.
People believe that I need to miss work of my part-time job to be drug tested to make sure that's not where the aide is going. Or are angry I get help at all .. so it's ok for the kids to go hungry in the name of I don't look like someone who lives on poverty wages. Now the interesting thing about this is it did make me think about my stbax doesn't look like an alcoholic so there for it must not be true. As long as he's working he's ok. He just drinks to relieve the stress he's under. (I'm sorry .. it's me raising the kids trying to figure out how to make ends meet monthly for 3 people not just me.)
I'm learning coping skills and how to address the unexpressed anger .. it doesn't come out sideways so much anymore.
I'm def NOT crazy and I would challenge anyone to live through what I have and not come out with their thinking distorted and them becoming irritable .. no life skills I did ok. It wasn't me in the psych ward .. I take refuge in that part of the deal.
So not stupid .. book smart .. maybe not .. street smart I learn on the fly and I can adapt and improvise. I have proven that over and over. I survive in spite of what is thrown at me. I have learned to live as well as survive.
Have to address the sugar issue .. blah .. no more chocolate coffee for me and I will have to let go of the diet coke at some point .. booo.
I'm straight and I laugh as I type this .. honestly .. I don't care what other people's sexuality is .. that is their business, I'm not sleeping with them .. it doesn't affect me, thank you FB for feeling the need to make that clear to everyone. I think people can figure things out on their own and if they want to declare it .. go for it. The pressure it creates for young people is mind blowing and I think it creates more guilt and shame .. being a teen is confusing enough.
My beauty is mine to own and it does radiate inside out .. I've seen many pretty packages with nothing to offer .. both male and female .. my first ex was a model and it was to much to deal with the insecurity of it all.
I've got extra padding .. mine to deal with and I do need to address it .. I'm trying to find something that won't kill me in the process of getting fit .. LOL.
I'm a woman and it is what it is .. it is disturbing to me to live in a society that forces women to believe they are failures if they can't hold it all together .. I do not see many men and they are out there .. who raise the family, pay the bills, on top of keeping the house up on their own. I see many women being left with that and the statistics are mind blowing. Especially as they get older and by society's standards are meant to be thrown away.
Now all of that has what I think .. which is MORE than that .. again .. that doesn't tell anyone that my favorite color is purple. My favorite movie about unconditional love is Boy's on the Side, I cry so hard during the movie the first time I saw it I was in my 20's. LOL .. I think I cried 20 years of pain in two hours. It doesn't tell anyone that the day my kids were born it's the only time I saw my stbax cry and my heart swelled with such love for another little person the idea that God loves my children more than I do is unreal. It doesn't tell anyone the guilt I feel about the fact I'm raising my kids alone without a solid male figure .. and I picked him. It doesn't talk about the shame I feel when I feel gratitude I receive the aide I do. It doesn't talk about the fact I can't sleep without socks on or I have to have it refrigerator cold to sleep. It doesn't talk about the fact I'm a secret video game junkie and I love the fact I get to play when my kids play. I swear I had kids so I could play with their toys! It doesn't talk about the fact my music tastes are completely unconventional .. I like everything from classical to punk rock .. there is no one music I like more than another .. I just like music. I want to learn to paint. It doesn't say anything about the fact I can shoot a gun like nobodies business and I have no issue using one to protect my family. I have a medal that states how straight my shooting is .. none of those labels say that though. It doesn't talk about the fact the God of my understanding doesn't belong in a box .. so just how big is the God of my understanding? Pretty damn big .. especially if He loves my children more than I do. I can't imagine how big He is there is no limit to Him. It doesn't say anything over the fact when my son holds a door for me or other people that is something I taught him. It doesn't talk about the fact my kids have their own thoughts and dreams of what they want to do when they grow up.
All of those labels or self limiters set by others or myself .. those are only a very small part of who I am and I'm to big for a box period. If the God of my understanding is limitless .. then why would I impose limits on myself? Now that's not to say there are some practical things I limit myself .. I probably won't be in an Olympic sport this lifetime such as skiing, swimming or running .. that doesn't mean I can't train for a marathon or even a triathlon .. it doesn't mean I will win .. I will and can finish. I can still do those things. It really is up to me and I want to live and show my kids how to fully live their life without choosing to listen to others limiting thoughts on what they can or can't do. They have lived with a lot of those being thrown at them .. and I told them both .. absolutely not ok .. try fail, try succeed .. just try your best.
Anyway, after that conversation one thing was still true .. my son is not a rock and if someone says he is .. he knows he's not. My daughter also knows the same truth for her as well.
Hugs .. yes I always have such light thoughts during the day .. LOL! S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You have great awareness and a great program at work. So glad it turned out your son is not a rock, I was worried for a second and might need to use that analogy on my now 16 year old. You are right where you are supposed to be sister! Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Ditto what everybody said and just one more thing - not all children need to sit on bony laps. Some really like soft. Even your weight is perfect for you!!!!!!! It doesn't define you and it is a very special part of you. I like you just the way you are - even if I've never seen your outer - I've seen a lot of your inner. It all looks good to me.
I agree that unless someone has experienced what we have gone through, they can't know .. we learn by exerience .. realising if i havent experienced something then, i really can't give an accurate opinion .. i think back to the majority of my life when others would spout off opinions (me too maybe) ..that felt crazy .. it was because noone had a Real experience or clue of what they were giving opinions on (me either) .. alanon has taught me distorted thinking leads to distorted opinions. State aid is a good example .. the way people "feel about the state aid and their own personal situations, warps an accurate judgment of the person needing it.. Can Never judge another's needs .. i have to do an entire 4th and 5th to find my own motives, etc .. what a beautiful world this would be if everyone learned to stay on their own side of street and do their own 4th and 5ths .. (had alanon) have been through the x situation & labels .. the thinking is distorted as typed above, and so are the opinions .. If i'm not careful, they will continue to distort mine !!
Love the rock story! I'll have to remember that one! I hate labels, too. Sometimes my son will say, "I have Tourette's" when he explains it to new friends and I cringe when I hear it because it sounds like a label. In reality, it's the truth: he tics and has weird facial movements and shoulder movements. I can't change that and I can't change how people see him or what labels they want to put on him.
I liked reading what you wrote, it was very open and honest and teaches me something about my own recovery, helping me evaluate my own progress, as well.
Lol, my picker was broken, wow, I need to get that fixed too.
Great post, really interesting points. I lived in a tiny world where I forced everything into the box and never even thought of letting anything out, this was my life in denial. today, I can actually look at one of my viewpoints and if its challenged I can let it go and rethink things, its a miracle. It must be lovely to bring up your kids with your awareness, so healthy.x
Great post and topic! There are many layers to this and you handle them so well! I couldn't help but giggle a little bit because I don't think the other children even picked up the expression correctly that was intended... "living under a rock" concept turned "you are a rock" - completely different. LOL Children can be mean. Parents often pass things down. What we hand them, what they take. Labeling can be leveraged as a form of bullying (even when we bully ourselves) and you hit the nail on the head with the "tapes" of negativity that we run and recycle in our head. You're doing a wonderful job in teaching your children about good character and being a positive role model for them.
Bud .. lol .. because so much of what I do and say is literally on the fly as a parent .. the rock analogy was mine. I just was making a point just because someone else says you are (fill in the blank) doesn't make it true .. kind of like my stbax telling me I'm crazy and complicated ..it's only true if I buy into what he's selling or anyone else is .. I'm so over being told who I am and allowing others to tell me instead of standing in my own truth. More that being said .. I'm all about positive reinforcement .. that is building others up instead of bringing them down. I can choose what I bring into my world that way .. build up our tear down .. I want my kids to know how to filter how others define them. It's more important how they define themselves. Yes my children from time to time look at me and go really mom .. you had to go there .. I tell them all the time creative thinking means creative solutions. :) I'm so glad to share this journey with everyone here. I always learn something new. S ;)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Oh SerenityRUS- that's too funny!!! Obviously I'm not so versed on the label front; I'm not usually one for cursing either- and, anyway, I get it all mixed up and insert in the wrong place of the sentence; so, if I'm upset, my daughter will tease me and deliberately misplace a word in a sentence and we just start laughing.
Ahhhh, I like that. Standing in our own truth. That speaks so loudly to me.
I'm all for the positive reinforcement and agree completely. You're doing a fantastic job!!!!
Thanks so much for sharing <3
I have three kids, 2 different fathers. I also have an ex husband(no kids). I so understand the labelling. I am constantly feeling like I have to explain myself. I am finally learning it just really isn't any ones business. It s my journey and its my story and I am grateful for the experiences that have led me to be here. It is here that I am not to be judged nor ridiculed for the decisions I have made. It is here we can share our experiences, strengths and hope and support each other on our journey. What a loving and caring environment to be able to grow and learn in.
Hugs
Sending love and support always
M
I said well I don't know .. are you sure? I only want you to be sure if someone tells you .. D .. you are a rock .. you know .. you aren't. I tickled him and said nope .. you don't feel like a rock .. you are soft and gooshie to me .. let's see .. do you have two eyes? Yes, mom 
Ok .. if you are sure .. 
