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My Aunt said that my parents have been relocated to an end stage facility. They're now in separate rooms. My Aunt and Uncle are emptying their assisted living facility apartment, as my parents will not be returning. My Aunt said that my sister is there today with a truck taking things and asked me what I wanted. She said that things have been divided fairly. I asked about my mom's tea set- something handed down to her from Jane Adams, and my Aunt put on boxing gloves an started growling at me over the phone. I asked several times calmly if my sister took it. Finally my Aunt says yes, then justifies that my mom gave me things too. I asked about mom's jewelry (that my grandmother wanted me to have) and got growled at again. It had been in my parents will that I receive the pieces.... but I'm sure they've conveniently disappeared in my Aunt's pocket.
Yes, my mom gave me things over a year ago, but nothing that I wanted. She said she wasn't ready to part with anything nice.
I told my Aunt that I purchased a particular tea set while I was on my honeymoon several years ago and may want that back. My Aunt said OK.
So, sis got all the nice things, even the things I bought for my parents, and I got what I purchased- no keepsake that someone wanted me to have because they loved and cherished me- and that- dear MIP family- is what my Aunt calls dividing things fairly!
I told my Aunt that I'm going to visit my Dad tomorrow and I'll continue honoring my mom's wish for no contact from me. My Aunt said ok- I didn't want to travel 5 hours to be turned away from seeing Dad... and I didn't feel like dealing with my crappy "family". (I may return and edit that word out- just feeling so awful.) I called and spoke to my Dad and told him I was coming irregardless of Mom, that I'd be there tomorrow and asked if I could bring him something. I'm brining him pretzels, that's what he wants.
This took up my morning instead of studying. I had to get this off my chest. I know what people think are none of my business. Fairness, eh! My sis already is loading everything onto a truck, do I want anything!
It's stuff. Just stuff. I don't know that I'd want that karma, under the circumstances anyway. I am not sure if there is a way I could have handled this better, or what tools to sharpen for my Alanon tool kit that will be coming with me tomorrow... so, please let me know your thoughts.
Thank you for listening.
As an afterthought, I also wanted to express why this disturbs me so deeply. Growing up, I was kept in the dark shadow of Mom's and sis' mental illnesses. I never had anything for myself. Clothes were all hand me downs, books were always my sisters', etc. My mom wasn't going to buy the same thing twice and my sister is older. My sister never let go of anything that was hers. I wasn't able to read her books without permission. The clothes, she didn't have too much control over. I wasn't allowed to do anything my sister did- so, I wasn't allowed to attend dance class in elementary school, I wasn't allowed to volunteer at the hospital as an adolescent. My parents paid for sis' college education, but not mine. Then, I remember when my parents drew up the wills, because they knew then that if it wasn't spelled out, that I would receive nothing. At that time, they wanted me to have something. My Aunt is operating under faulty information that she is not open to correcting.
How do things get so screwed up!?
-- Edited by bud on Saturday 22nd of February 2014 03:43:53 PM
((((bud))))....sigh....family. That was my FOO too. I remembered my mom used to tell me over and over when I was growing up that we can choose our friends, not our family. I never knew much of my mom's family. It was something like what you had mentioned... my mom's older brother had passed away suddenly and his wife decided to sue my mother for control over my grandparent's estate. My uncle had been the executor of their estate, and so when he died my mom was then the executor. But his wife wanted the money so she did everything in her power, and having some expensive lawyers, she won, and my mom ended up with nothing except for some furniture.
My dad's family...yeah...for so many years, his family never came around, never called, except when they wanted something. He would get invited to weddings, show up with gifts and cash, and never get so much as a thank you card. Oh, but when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer... wow, all these relatives came crawling out of the woodwork, showing so much love for this wonderful man who never was appreciated when he was healthy, just when they thought they could get a mention in his will. Then, when he passed, his family that had been so kind and warm to my mom during his convalescence turned around and sued her for control of his estate, since she and my dad weren't legally married. BTW he was my stepdad, but the only dad I ever knew.
I guess the only thing I can draw from this is that stuff is just stuff. I've learned that from losing stuff over and over again. I have none of any of my family's valuables, including photos, due to a theft after I lost my mom. I started thinking of it all as being lost in a tornado, and that sort of helped me move past the anger and grief.
I've always wondered at what many people put up with from family that they would never accept from strangers, or even friends.
Thank you for your share and lots of hugs to you!
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Saturday 22nd of February 2014 03:51:03 PM
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Saturday 22nd of February 2014 03:55:38 PM
I think you handled this so well! The issue over how to divide assets, even if they are sentimental and not monetary, is super tough on any family. When I went home this last time, my sister had asked my mom for all of the great childhood holiday ornaments and some other items like childhood china, etc. I wanted some of it and I had some hard frown-y feelings come up about it, but it clearly meant a lot to my sister and I didn't want to rip stuff out her hands (not literally, of course). Or, decide after she had claimed the stuff that we should divide it up fairly or in half. She encouraged me to take some items--but I only felt comfortable taking two small pieces. I do mourn over the stuff, but I just wasn't willing to have a big dust up over it. I let it go. I think you did great. I think sometimes all we can do is acknowledge how hard something is and then act our best, most dignified selves.
Thank you Raven! For so many people, it seems that compassion flies out the window at the first hint of money.
I did not have a bank account, but paid for my parent's medical bills over the years... sis said she had less money but is johnny-on-the spot with a moving truck to collect all of my parent's belongings... yep sounds like the same. I guess it's just going to stink for a while until I can refocus. One foot in front of the other. I'm better off traveling lightly.
I am grateful that my friends are nothing like my family!
When I lost my mom two years ago my brother could not be bothered to say good-bye to her even though she was given 24 hours to live. But, the next day he was at her assisted living apartment taking things right and left. I was the POA so I divided up the money fairly between the three of us kids. I cannot even think of a good thought for my brother. He is so greedy. I know my parents are looking down and wondering what type of person they raised. I don't see him nor talk to him. I have nothing to say. I am sorry you are going through this. It is very hard.
Thanks- I'm struggling. I made my Alanon phone calls. But I'm struggling. I have to take my biochem exam shortly- and I'm having trouble focusing. I was invisible growing up and inaudible too- no matter how loudly I could speak. My Aunt believes my sis' insanity that my sis is a victim- that I am greedy and already took things and this is what is left.... it's not like this at all. I never had a choice in what my Mom handed me last year. I didn't want what she offered, only took a few things to be polite... my sis must know that nothing of value was missing! Everyone for them selves and it's all about them, and my Aunt is fighting to protect my sister tooth and nail. After all these years, no one in my family knows me. At all. and if they do, they do not care. At all.
The only things that truly matter are the things that breathe.......hold those that make you happy close and let the others go---things can be replaced and sentimental things can be remembered with fondness and then there is the fact that you don't have to dust as much (LOL).
I know of my own family members that didn't talk for decades because of STUFF----life is too short.
I think of the early pioneers who tried to drag their stuff across the wilderness.....only to have it stuck in a rut along the way.......then they could settle where their stuff was or they could travel on without it. Probably not a hard decision when arrows were flying at ya.
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
Bud: As you know, my experiences have been similar. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do have my heart wide open to you in your grief. It isn't the stuff is it? It is being unknown and misunderstood and no hope of it changing that you can see. You aren't invisible to me, Bud, and I hear you. (((B)))
I don't want the stuff. I don't want the stuff. I don't want the stuff.... oh my!
I needed a better perspective and I know that you are right- including the less dusting part. In my heart of hearts, it isn't about the stuff in so much as it is that insanity ruled again and I wasn't even a consideration. I wish this would enable me to have a semblance of a relationship with my family; can't talk to my sis, as she's aggressive and harmful (literally and figuratively). My Uncle is arrogant, condescending, and all about power and control. My Aunt just started behaving like my Uncle. Whatever lies they were or were not fed... I cannot afford to be a part of this- I have my own plateful. I guess it's time to jump back in the saddle, wave good bye to the broken caravan, and go it solo.
Thank you so much Grateful! Why did my Aunt even bother to ask me if there's anything I want if my sister already claimed it? So that she can have a good conscience that she asked? And then she has the nerve to tell me what I have and don't have! Ya think I would know that better than her. Stonewalling. I know. Their license to be nasty doesn't come with an expiration date. Maybe this is how my Mom wants it now- where my sis gets everything. Maybe my Aunt is carrying out her crazy wishes, despite what was drawn up when my Mom was coherent.
I'm so sorry you are hurting, Bud. This family experience has been such a painful one for you. I can certainly understand your feelings of anger and uncertainty right now.
I am truly sorry for the sad event that is unfolding in your life. You are so right--- It is only ""Stuff" . Remember that the kindness and understanding you have given your Mom and the love and support that you have given your Dad are treasures that will be with you always.
It's stuff. Just stuff. I don't know that I'd want that karma, under the circumstances anyway. I am not sure if there is a way I could have handled this better, or what tools to sharpen for my Alanon tool kit that will be coming with me tomorrow... so, please let me know your thoughts.
Thank you for listening.
-- Edited by bud on Saturday 22nd of February 2014 03:43:53 PM
That's the ticket Bud...hit the nail right on the head for proper perspective and attitude...course the old feelings of resentments and hurt float to the top also and we can still poke that bubble and let it sink proper because they have no value to the spirit. I had to learn how to self verify and let the old negative stuff detach from my coat of velcro. Keep lots of forgiveness handy...that works for me. I did the opposite when the "good" were getting divided recently...I didn't want any of it. I had the memories of how I was attached to them and it was mostly about "their stuff". The program taught me to detach....from all of that "crap" and I'm grateful that I sat in the rooms over and over and over in order to learn it and then pass the test which would come up later. Since its primarily now all about my relationship with a power greater than myself and they are no longer that...I'm good to go. Hoping you enjoy pretzels with your Dad...make sure you take enough for both of you. ((((hugs))))
Big gigantic virtual hugs .. sending love and support to you my friend. We may not get the parents we deserve you have a family who loves you unconditionally here. Love to you ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you Hotrod- yes, I needed to be reminded that it isn't so important if no one else recognizes the love that I gave and still give, that the important thing is that I was capable of loving and giving, followed through, and still keep on keeping on. I wanted to be true to myself, especially tomorrow, but felt conflict if I didn't express the truth. I may decide to tell my Dad, if at all, and only in passing... depends if I need to say it or not- something I'll know when I see him. (If he is under some false impression that I took something, etc.)
Thank you Jerry! Good visual- like the bubble and that it can be popped! Lots of forgiveness... good goal- I'm asking my HP for helping me find as much as I need. It's an odd thing, the more I've forgiven, the more my family perceives weakness and tramples.... but chances are that their actions have nothing to do with me. I can forgive or not and they are unaffected, but me- yes, I need to forgive and give them the grace to keep their stuff on their side of the street. I know this disturbs their dynamics and I am not popular in my family of origin- but we didn't choose each other. They could have done worse! lol
Thank you SerenityRUs! Hugs are so warm and welcome! I appreciate!
Another huge thank you for the support and tools to practice and keep, things to cherish and hopefully pass to my daughter. My family of origin was/ is not an easy one! At least I had my Grandparents love and I have my daughter's.
I completed my exam- so it's done - for better or worse and things are still one foot in front of the other- one day at a time. No matter what because I know that stuck doesn't work well for me.
My daughter is coming home tonight and we'll leave very early in the morning to travel to see my Aunt first for my tea set ( she started commenting how pretty it is...). Then on to enjoy time with my Dad, and thank you Jerry- I'll have plenty of pretzels- it's not every day I have a chance to throw a pretzel party! My Dad is so adorable! I understand his weakness and why and am grateful that it doesn't have to interfere with loving each other.
Glad the exam is finished, the pretzel party is in the making, you're going to be reunited with your tea set, your daughter and your Dad. Many prayers for you, Bud, tomorrow. Be sure to take all of us supporters with you in your memory and in your heart. We'll be in the car, meeting with your aunt, and enjoying your loving presence with your daughter and your Dad.
I never like the attitude of family when we lose our loved ones and the dividing of their memories and the dismantling of their lives and homes, the memories that we connect to those gifts that we cherished and gave from our hearts, well it's the memories that count and the love they were given with, it's times like this people show us who they really are, it's an awful task anyway deciding who gets what and even if we don't get something, that very special something that means more to us than anyone else,well we can hold that thought, and it's the thought that counts, and we carry that within us where ever we go, it's a tough time right now for you, let them all get on with it, and rise above it, (((((hugs)))))))))))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
((Bud)) Sorry all of this had to happen to you. I was always grateful that my mom distributed her stuff herself. She had cancer and knew she was dying, so she made sure the right people got what they wanted. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out so neat and tidy and feelings usually get hurt. Way to make the best of it, onward you go, eyes forward.
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Nothing has changed but my attitude, everything has changed.
Same sort of FOO stuff when my dad died, but now later with al-anon things are clearer and the material things are gone. I have my memories and loss is already so hard just grieving it without worrying about the family sickness that reigns in these moments. I am sending you much love and support through this!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am grown up now and I can get all the stuff I want without anyone giving it to me. I too didn't get the things that meant anything to me but now I don't care anymore. I let go and I pray to make my own memories with my son. To make sure my son has something from me that means something to him....I can only pray. That makes me happy to know I can give.
I'm sorry you have to go through this with your family but HP will help you through if you just ask.
((( hugs ))) for good memories.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
