New and confused - Al-Anon Family Group

BassetHoundMommy · Newbie

New and confused

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, my! How frightening an experience for you! How are YOU doing? I hope you can get to some Al-Anon meetings in your area. It sounds to me as if you can use all the support you can get. We also have on-line meetings here that you can attend. They are offered twice a day. The information about them appears on our board.

Welcome to MIP. Many of us have experienced some really scary times ourselves with this disease and its manifestations. You are not alone. Al-Anon helps us learn more about alcoholism and how we can take good care of ourselves. Although our loved ones have the disease, we are affected by the disease. The Al-Anon program is a lifesaver for us. Others will respond to you and I do hope you'll keep coming back here.

BassetHoundMommy · Newbie

Thank you for responding - I am NUMB - Literally head to toe - I go from being mad to feeling guilty for calling the cops (which from what I've been reading is normal until I get control of ME). He seems to not understand, all the blackouts he's had (verbal abuse) he doesn't remember but I DO!! I've also done some reading on "Dry Drunks" and of course, that frightens me - He's been drinking 20+ years - Only got really bad in the last year where he started drinking at 9:30 in the morning (on his days off). I did find some f2f meetings that I'm going to go to - Just nervous which I'm sure is normal as well.

I'll be coming to the on-line meetings - I need all the help I can get at this point. On a positive note, I have the support of his family as they know of his disease and they feel I did right by him (and myself). This is just such a scary place to be in life.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear BassetHound Momm,Welcome to Miracles in Progress.

Alcoholism is indeed a cunning baffling. powerful disease over which we are powerless. It is good that you contacted the police and that your partner is following through on the Court order. Now it is time to put the focus on yourself and your recovery.

We who live with this disease, also require a program of recovery. Our thinking has become distorted by walking on eggshells, focusing on others and trying to force solutions.

Alanon is such a program for all who share or have shared our lives with the alcoholic.

Face to Face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is found in the white pages. I urge you to call and attend the meetings. It is here that I learned how to break the terrible isolation caused by walking on eggshell and living with this disease. Developing new tools to live by and connecting with others who understood as few others can ,truly helped me to change my life and my attitudes.

Please keep coming back here as well You are not alone and there is HOPE.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry this all has happened. How terrifying. You were of course absolutely right to make sure there are consequences for this.

AA meetings every day is an excellent sign. That said, what I wish someone had told me at the beginning of this journey is that only around 15%-25% of alcoholics who start recovery make it to longterm sobriety. Because there are so many alcoholics, that still means thousands or maybe millions of people. But those are the odds.

My own husband (now ex) started several times, but did not ever make it to longterm sobriety.

The reason I mention this statistics is that if your husband starts to drink again, which is a possibility, what you now know is that he is capable of threatening your life while drinking. So it is absolutely imperative that you put protecting your life above all considerations. We don't want to lose you.

We often try to guess whether they will stay sober, but the real truth is that the answer will become clear with time. But you shouldn't be taking risks. I had a long period where my husband was hiding his drinking and I thought, "Is he or isn't he? He seems funny tonight, is he drinking or am I paranoid?" (What it was was that he was drinking, as I found out definitively in time. I thought my radar was over-tuned, but as with many of us, it was actually under-tuned because I was so used to weird behavior.) In your case, wondering isn't something that you have leisure to do. If something looks funny, you need to protect yourself.

Often our A's want longterm commitments. But we can't give them because we don't know what the status of things will be in a year or some other length of time. My A would say, "Just promise we'll be together and then I'll stay sober." But I learned to say, "Stay sober, and then after I can be confident about that, then I'll make the promises." That would have taken me a year at least. Having now seen people with 20 years of sobriety relapse, a year might actually be a short amount of time.

I hope you'll find a face-to-face meeting, read all the threads here, and keep coming back. Hugs.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi bassetthoundmommy, and welcome to MIP! We are so glad you are here!

You shouldn't walk on eggshells. But I know it's tough not to, especially at first. My AW is 90 days sober, and I don't walk on eggshells. She has become very open about what she can and can't handle. I think that comes from working with a sponsor and just being generally self aware.

In fact, the longer he is sober, the more he works AA, the more real he should become. If you discover he isn't real, hiding things, not owning up to little things, he might be out of program and sliding downhill. I have heard it said that As are either walking towards or away from a drink, and my experience with my AW is a testament to that.

I am awaiting for my AW to come home with 6 AA friends that she I'll hang with this afternoon. I look forward to being with them, becaus they are her support, and they are real - they call BS at the drop of a hat. And, actually, walking on eggshells around them just pisses them off.

Get to meetings, and do watch out for yourself. The more you read on here the more you will find out that moods and circumstances can change in a split moment with an A, so best to always be prepared.

Peace
Kenny

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((BHMommy))))) welcome to the board...please come around often so that you can learn and continue to protect yourself and grow. What you describe as happening is right on about the progressiveness of alcoholism. In the definition of the disease it is said that the disease is fatal and what I came to understand is that the fatal doesn't only happen to the drinker and then here you come with your experience which hits home. Glad you lived thru it and not surprised he cannot remember. Blackouts are crazy...they drink and don't remember and we don't drink and do. That is the insanity which we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out. Along with the rest of the MIP family I am glad you are still alive and able to be here. Good job on waking his butt up with police and courts...thats fair, honest and just. It is reasonable and good decision making and choices. I'm a former Alternatives to Violence mens' case manager who stand staunchly with you and who would also write the TRO to keep him away from you while stuffing his butt in a box until he came to understand. Oh yep truthfully? I'm a former perp myself who no longer drinks. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-anon meetings and MIP keep me moving forward and understanding more about myself all the time. Keep coming back. Sending you love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Just becuz he drinks, being an abuser is not part of it. He abuses becuz he is an abuser. Alcohol only lowers his resistance to holding those desires back. I invite you to go to a support group for domestic violence. Are you both going to any kind of counseling by some one who knows about the disease of addiction?

You do not have to change a thing. His addiction is his own business. He is very, very, young on his recovery program. Their disease is none of our business. We can take a deep breath and not have to talk about it at all.

I would suggest a mediator so you can sit down and share how you feel about calling the police. There is no way in his heart, would he ok doing what he did! If he does not understand what made you call shame on him. As far as black outs you might want to find literature on them, leave them laying around. Its up to him if he wants to read them.

You might like to write an I feel letter. Not give it to him but stick it somewhere. and or get a blank book and start journaling> it really helps to get things out. Theres some excellent books on marriage too. Maybe focus on that. It does not always have to be about his disease.

We all need to continue to be ourselves. Maybe think back how you met, what made you love him. He is still in there. My A had a very hard time talking. If they say I don't know, they really don't.

I just learned to be me no matter what he was doing. I don't have to walk on eggshells for anyone. maybe part is self love and confidense too. Lotsa self help books too.

It might help you both if you both had focuses. some you share some of your own. keep coming! debilyn

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Bassethoundmommy! Welcome to MIP- you're in the right place! I just wanted to add my encouragement and support to everyone's great responses. I'm glad you had the courage and strength to call the police. Nothing to feel guilty for, but living with the disease can make us feel that way. Keep coming back- Alanon will provide the support and skills that help.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.