Called police on husband last night now feeling conflicted. *vent?* - Al-Anon Family Group

AmyK · Member

Called police on husband last night now feeling conflicted. *vent?*

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

AmyK wrote:
I
Now here is the insanity of it all. Why am I tempted to call him until he answers to apologize to him so he will not be mad at me anymore?!?! This is how MY life is unmanageable. I've only been going to Al- anon for about 2 months, I have a LONG way to go!
Even as I am writing this I am wondering if I was wrong to call the police. But I needed him to know that behavior is unacceptable.
Thank you for the safe place to be open and honest.

Dear Amy, I do believe that you took the appropriate action in light of your husband's frightening behavior. I selected a quote from your post that clearly indicates that you understand the First Step and how our lives become unmanageable.

I can certainly identify with what you are thinking and feeling and would like to assure you that by attending Al-Anon and using the tools you will soon develop new constructive ways to respond and view the world and your marriage.

So glad that you shared here and that you are attending Al-Anon all. Keep coming back you are worth it. .

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Amy,

I see that you are doing well. You are self-aware enough to have stepped back and evaluate what you are doing. Nobody ever said that temptations would go away!

When my AW get home from rehab, I got to a point where I was able to stop and evaluate things before reacting. I found a box of wine in the garage, that would normally have set me off, crashing around the house and pouring it out. Instead, I went to AW and said "I found a box of wine. Do you want me to do anything with it?" She said "get it out of here, don't want to see it" I was shaking for an hour after that, I so just wanted to just pour it out myself and then do detective work to see if it was already there and be able to show her that it was possible she was drinking blah blah blah.

So I felt victory from that, just because I stopped and evaluated, and changed a behavior, even though the aftereffects lasted awhile.

Progress, not perfection. And I think you did the right thing last night.

peace
Kenny

ladee · Member

You did the right thing for you and your children....keeping yourself safe is first priority in a situation like that... you didn't put him out of the house.... he did it to himself... we can't tell you what to do, but we can encourage you to see how far you have come instead of how far you have to go.... you did awesome.... it doesn't feel that way.... because we stay so tied into the A's behaviors.... so please.... continue to take care of you and your kids.... no one has to put up with any form of abuse for any reason.... please keep doing what you are doing... attending meetings, coming here.... take care of you.... sending you and your kids hugs...

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

You did do the right thing. The threat of that next punch going to you instead of the wall is way too real when you are dealing with an A. :(

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Good job Amy for taking good care of you & your children!

We have the right to a good life and we are responsible for NOT ACCEPTING UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR! wink

Good job for doing the next right thing! Let go of the guilt, its a feeling & NOT A FACT:)

With you in Spirit my friend!

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I have called the cops twice. I felt threatened and not in a safe place. I think you did the right thing too. Take care.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

I struggled with the same feelings after phoning the police. I have also realized it was the right thing to do. It was not okay that I was fearful of being hit (his angry outbursts did become physical) or my small child to be waken up by a violent outburst in anger, or my other children hide in their bedrooms fearful of his yelling and uncontrollable temper. We have the right as a human being to feel safe in our own homes. You set a boundary to keep yourself and your children safe. His anger is not your problem. Please remember to focus on your own health. H.A.L.T.(eat if you are hungry, reach out if you are angry or lonely and try to find rest when you are tired)

Sending you love and support
M

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Amy, good for you, you did the right thing for you and your family and also your husband, he like everyone else must have appropriate consequences. I understand how you feel and I know for me this doubt and guikt is the root of my problem. Take care.x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Amy. Glad to see you back here. He knows his behavior is unacceptable. You helped him experience a consequence that is a direct result of his behavior. In all of us, there is a deep sense of justice. If we can't stop ourselves - it is good to have somebody outside of us stop us. If your child screamed, yelled and knocked a hole in the wall, would you feel guilty for disciplining(teaching) him that that kind of behavior won't be tolerated with an appropriate consequence meant to reinforce the teaching. Your husband's childish behavior to me was like a child's testing to see just how far he'll get to go in relationship to you. You're doing fine. Somebody had to be the adult in that situation.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Amy,
I'm glad that you were strong enough and had the courage to call the police for help when you needed it. I can relate to the feeling guilty part- I've been conditioned over many years to put others first... take care of them unconditionally, even at my own expense. Trying to regain my balance to be near that bell shaped curve of taking care of myself has been a longer journey, that I take one day at a time. I'm noticing that I feel less and less guilty for things that truly do not concern me. It's so freeing to not take this on. Keep working the program- you're worth it!!!

In support.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Amy)))) Sis as a former alternatives to violence mens' case manager and perpatrator myself you definitely did the right thing. When the man starts "breaking" things al control is gone. He went beyond where he wanted to go and since you didn't take responsibility for his anger he didn't either. Good that the cops came. I don't like them and they do good stuff (lol). You're a newbie (as I understand it) to the program so it will be easy for you to "second guess" yourself and the decisions and actions you make and take. Once they are taken accept them...you did and are going the best you can with what you have now. Reach over your right shoulder with your left hand and pat yourself on the back...you did good...not perfect good. Change is hard and it is confusing because when I was changing I was breaking habits and laws of responding in ways that never worked for me and didn't have a better habit to go to...I didn't know if the new choice would work or what the outcome would be and of course I use to use my alcoholics/addicts reactions to judge myself too. It was all crazy until I started to get my recovery program working toward Good Orderly Direction (GOD). Keep coming back here often and to your meetings of course. Post the phone number to the police department out in the open where you AND he can see it. He will see the evidence of his choices in the broken things and holes in the wall and the citations if and when he gets them. You can also post the phone number to his sponsor right next to that phone number if he gives it to you. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My ex used to break things and get out of control angry and all I could do was blame myself right along side him. I had to dig into my al-anon program to change my ways and find a way to get out of the insanity. My sponsor helped, reading al-anon literature helped, face to face meetings, al-anon friends, MIP and taking care of me. I now value myself on a whole different level. I am so glad you called the cops and there were many times I should have and I did not and my oldest finally had to stand up and ask me why I was staying, in which told me I let too much go and needed to save us and I did. This is hard stuff and I am sending you much love and support!

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH used to have crazy rants in front of me and my daughters. I wish I did something then. It all finally came to a head when my last daughter to leave home said, "Mom, you guys have become toxic when you are together." That's when I finally left. Looking back, I wish I had left sooner before all the damage was done to our family. Sending you lots of support! Hope you can make sure to get to meetings!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Amy,

So glad you are attending f2f meetings. The lesson of the week for me is how I have taught other people to treat me, .. especially my stbax.

I just want to share something with you the hardest thing to get rid of is an alcoholic .. I've been trying for 2 years after he threatened divorce .. LOL. I'm still trying .. and I'm not minimizing your situation in anyway .. it si shocking and hurtful to hear that from someone who is suppose to be your partner in life .. at least it was for me.

What you did is absolutely the right thing to do .. you set a boundary and it's scary because when I did do that I had to let go of the outcome .. I had to accept I can't control my stbax's behavior he's going to do what he's going to do .. I do have the right to take care of myself. That is OK, my HP doesn't want me to be abused or mistreated by another of His children .. the God of my understanding doesn't jump up and say woo hoo .. that's a good idea.

Big hugs and prayers your way .. be aware of the opening in Alanon .. our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable without even realizing it .. the idea that you are feeling badly that you called the police .. in my mind is distorted thinking .. HE should be feeling badly that he even put you in that position to have to make that call. I think about the behavior I used to accept out of my stbax .. I should have called the police a LONG time before I did and left a long time before I did .. that behavior is not ok.

Hugs S :)

jillybean1 · Senior Member

The threat of divorce is.......... a lot of times..... a scare tactic to get you to panic and back pedal to return you to your previous state of letting him do what he wants. Mine still uses this and details all the financial upheaval that will occur----lose money, sell house, kids switch schools etc etc etc.....it took me awhile to realize that he pulled this out of his tool box when he was most threatened.

When this stopped bothering me he switched to suicide threats---(he's very adaptable LOL).

I am okay with the fact that I may have to divorce him to lead a normal life. Even with all the changes involved---I know that I can't live with an AH. That is just how I feel, some people can make it work---I am not one of them.

He just got to his second rehab this morning and I wish him the best----but I live in reality now. Trust is hard to get back.

AmyK · Member

Thank you all so much for your responses, it really means a lot to me :). And once again, I am so grateful to have this resource!

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