The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_Jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
Tonight, an al-anon friend invited me over as we were going to go to a movie, to celebrate my birthday, which was yesterday. I got on the road and they were so slippery that my tires were spinning. It would have been an hour before I got to her house. I phoned and suggested we do it another time. She sounded really disappointed but I thought it was cause she was really looking forward to the movie.
She phoned back and said she had got me something that wouldn't last until Sunday (when we'd see each other next). Because I had already turned around and didn't look forward to the drive up, I said rather forcefully 'The roads are dangerous, and I'm sorry but I'm not coming' and she said 'ok, see yah' and hung up.
I felt like the biggest jack-ass and knew she made an effort to get me something so I told myself I can make the effort to go see her.....so, I phoned her back and said I would be there.
We talked about it and everything was good, but I still feel horrible for the way I handled it and rejected her initial offering. Here is a friend I am so blessed to have in my life and I pushed her away because part of me felt she was trying to get to close to me. Part of me couldn't believe that someone would do such a nice thing for me and wants me in their life.
Is it an wonder I am single? My relationships are a mess?
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 21st of February 2014 04:45:25 PM
(((SJ))) You didn't handle something as gracefully as you might have liked. You made an amends. There are billions of people on this earth. If you could get their attention and ask the question, "How many of you have handled things a little awkwardly at times?" all hands would go up; well, except maybe the babies.
Being human is a messy business sometimes, so our relationships can get a little messy. We're not perfect and we don't need to be. We get to be imperfect and loveable because of those imperfections. I've never loved any perfect people, but I sure have loved genuine ones - warts and all.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 20th of February 2014 11:58:59 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 21st of February 2014 12:01:11 AM
-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 21st of February 2014 04:46:14 PM
Hi, my name is Ken, and I handle thing awkwardly *a lot* especially now in recovery. Trying to pull out of codependence, and sometimes I land on the forceful side when I'm being real. Most of it is because I have so little experience at being real, sometimes it just still stresses me out when I have to tell someone no, no matter what the reason, then I come across too forceful, or not forceful enough, because I'm still carrying around the baggage of the codependency.
So i keep practicing. Sometimes after a period where I lick my wounds a little.
Keep practicing!
Kenny
-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 21st of February 2014 04:47:16 PM
I think that you did very well. You took an action, felt uncomfortable and decided to examine your actions and motives. You reviewed your actions, your motives and then did a 10th Step on the issue. Great use of program.
Your friend heard you and the connection was made and the issue addressed and resolved. Good use of the Steps and program tools.
No where does alanon suggest that after we do a 10th Step do we then" beat ourselves up" Instead it suggests that we let go, learn from the experience and move on.
Life is a process and you have gained valuable wisdom from the situation
((SJ)) Easy does it. Please be gentle with yourself. You recognized that you wanted to present yourself differently than you did- so you took action, communicated well and was well-received, and are able to move on from it with more wisdom than before.
The people I've felt closest too and the most comfortable around are the ones who admitted their flaws and regrets. You have admitted one to us and it makes me feel like I can be more myself too, since other people's lives aren't shiny and perfect 24/7. That is a big relief.
One thing to think about is whether you might want to admit the same things to her. If you chose to, it could potentially deepen your friendship. Of course she might not respond well -- in which case you would know that she's not a person with as much growth as you. But you're the best judge of whether it's a time in your friendship to talk more candidly.
Feeling like you made an awkward choice is hard. I think we all know that because we're all in this together!
I can be my own worst enemy sometimes, I do this too this horrible negative self-talk. I do this when someone tries to be or do nice things for me. I think it stems from me saying for so long "I don't need help or your niceness- I'm fine". I am trying to learn to take compliments and let people be nice to me, it is not easy. Cut yourself a break ((Jim)) It's all good....You were understandably stressed with the road conditions and your tone was simply a reflection of that. You realized that it may have come off harsh (AWARENESS), admitted the reasons for the harsh tone (ACCEPTANCE) and you called her back and explained yourself (ACTION) Thinking you did fine!
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Nothing has changed but my attitude, everything has changed.
It's like I feel as though I am not worthy of this type of praise. My family never made me feel as though I was worthy of much, whether they knew they were acting this way or not.
It's like I feel 'If they only knew'....But here's the kicker...they're Al-Anon members!! lol....they 'know', in fact they know some deeper things about me that my best friends don't even know.
I would always hang around groups of people who also never praised me and never felt I was worth much
This is why I would always comment on their relationships. If I am not worthy, than neither are you...
(((SJ))) It's sad what we've learned to seek as comfort zones. Family of origin dynamics often have extra layers of complication. I feel we are truly blessed to be part of the MIP family, who is here through thick and thin, to love us when we aren't able to love ourselves. Daily asset and gratitude lists help me when I feel stuck.
SJ Thanks for working this out here. I can use real life lessons and everytime I get one I feel so grateful. I deserve lessons like this...the good stuff. One thing I had to work out with my sponsorship and my HP at the same time was how to accept and love myself unconditionally. (((hugs)))
I also had to learn how to let others get close to me while I maintained my value systems and brought down the walls.
You ARE worthy. You don't need to seek approval. You are who you are, with all your ups and downs and good assets and faults. EVERYONE has good points and bad ones. No one is perfect. Working to be a better person with Al-anon is a life journey. Go for it SJ.... in support.....og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
lol....they 'know', in fact they know some deeper things about me that my best friends don't even know.