Social Settings - Al-Anon Family Group

mccr · Member

Social Settings

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My SO is not a drinker but has embarrassed me many times with his attitude to the point of not wanting to except invitations. I have found with most if they know the problem they either don't invite us or they know how to hand the jerk in him. They say don't cover up for the A that they need to know and except the consequences of their actions. Sad but we have to live life on life's terms sometimes.

Only you can make the decision on what to do in the future and that's for your sanity and no one else.

(((( hugs ))))

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi mccr,

My favorite slogan right now is "Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it mean". That implies:

- I have a right to speak my mind about something.
- I should say it plainly, easily understood, and with as little emotional baggage as I can muster (that one's tough)
- I should say it in a pleasant manner (even harder, pick a time where I am in an emotional place, or just step back before I react and think about it)
- I shouldn't beat a dead horse. Once I know, and once she knows, and she knows that I know, I can drop it. Saying it again is tantamount to nagging, and nobody likes that, A or sober.

I also experience better results when I say what I want and the consequences. Pick a boundary and proclaim it. Saying "you were drunk last night, that's horrible" would get me nowhere. Saying "I won't go out with you when you have been drinking. When that happens, I will go out by myself, and take the keys with me to keep you safe". I wish I had actually had that in place when my AW got so drunk she couldn't stand and we missed a concert we were both looking forward to. Instead, I freaked out, yelled a lot, had her mom over to reason with her, etc. Ruined three peoples' nights, instead of just hers.

And, in my experience, there is no reason to talk to AW when she is drunk. She doesn't remember it next morning, and if she does, it's horribly distorted and twisted manipulatively around.

Peace

Kenny

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Greetings Mccr!

I have not tried to talk to AH about this. I don't think I'd like the reaction!

My approach is that AH is responsible for his own behaviour. Why should I be embarrassed by it? Also my friends are responsible for how they would like to behave/react as well. So far they have been pretty marvellous. For me it felt really important that I was honest and upfront with them so I simply let them know, without making a big deal of anything, that AH is having a struggle with alcohol at the moment. (They could tell anyway so it kind of broke the ice being up front about it). AH didn't particularly like my openness, but I told him that I was not going to lie to our friends and left it at that.

-- Edited by milkwood on Thursday 20th of February 2014 01:52:05 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was in my young marriage things my young husband said and did embarrassed me. But I as a bit too uptight looking back. Anyway my Mother told me what he does or says is not on me. NO reflection of me. So true.

I would venture to say if the friends are put off by his behavior, they won't invite you guys again. I would keep going until this happens, if it ever does. They may not see him as you do as you get to live with him!

If they do stop asking and you are close to the wife, you might ask her to meet you for lunch. When my A died I ended up being left out, really hurt. Now I make a point to ask friends to meet me for lunch once in awhile.

I am sad your A is sick. Glad you are here!! debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.