Please give input on intervention - Al-Anon Family Group

barbaralewis · Veteran Member

Please give input on intervention

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes. I would contact the rehab and have them reach out. Someone from admissions might assist you. Call the rehab. They would be the ones. If he refuses to go...well you tried...prayers for you and him.

cwya · Senior Member

I'm so sorry you have to try to deal with this and what I can say about intervention is probably not what you want to hear. Like you I believed I could not live with myself if I didn't facilitate my son's rehab, give him a place to live, pay for his car to get fixed, pay for his gas, feed him, clothe him, take him to the doc, hospital etc etc etc. Well it turned out I finally did do the only thing that could save him---leave him to experience the consequences of his using. As a result, he knocked on my door at midnight on Christmas Eve 7 years ago. As I watched him walk away the next day, he was clean and sober. He died 2 weeks later also clean and sober. If I had done anything other than what Al-Anon taught me, I would not have been able to wrap my arms around my "baby" one last time.

I have replayed those years a thousand times with the "if-onlys" the "whys" and the "what ifs." And the one thing I know to be true beyond all doubt is I would never have had my arms around him that last time but for Al-Anon. I couldn't know what God's will was for my babies. The one thing I do know about God's will today is that I couldn't prevent it no matter what I did. I can only accept it and do my best to live one day at a time with all the love, hope, and courage I can. Today I am grateful God let me have him on loan for awhile. I hope this does not hurt you. Sometimes, the thing I need the most is the last thing I want. The experience, strength and hope of other alanons is the only reason I'm still breathing and frankly the only reason I want to. Just for today...thank God.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello. I, like cwya, pretty much did the same although I didn't line up rehab for my son as much as I told him it was there or nowhere. He went. He tested dirty at some point although he tried to convince me and everyone that the test was a false positive. He had to leave not only the rehab but the place he could live until he got back on his feet following rehab. He has lost his clothes many times, places to live, his car, his dignity, his health, his freedom, any ability to come to my home or to my workplace and the same goes for his sister's home or workplace. He continues to drink and use drugs. He isn't in denial. He knows he has a problem. He is a self-admitted alcoholic and drug addict. He's been in and out of substance abuse and alcohol classes. Ended up in prison and then prison re-entry programs and yet another rehab - a wonderful one - and the first night there smoked in the dorms and was put out to return in two weeks which he didn't do. And...AA is not for him according to him...he's done enough.

I learned that I can try everything in my power - and I can tell you tough love is the main thing I've used for several years now - to help my son recover but if he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it. And that isn't on me - that's on him. I can love my son. I can pray for my son. I can say no to enabling my son. And I can also accept that its him who has to want recovery for himself more than I want it for him. Maybe he will one day? Maybe he won't. That is all up to him.

For me, I know that I do want recovery from all the ways this disease affected me whether my son decides to act on what he knows about himself and where he can get help or not. The most effective use of my energy has been working on myself. Whatever you decide to do, I do hope that entering the Al-Anon rooms for yourself will be the number one choice that you make for yourself.

OT71 · Member

I'm new to this board and a little confused. I understand this is not a conference approved site so I don't know if Al-Anon traditions apply here. As along time Al-anon member, I thought that the program does not endorse interventions as such. Can someone give me more info on this and let me know how successful interventions are?

PS this is a great site!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think Alanon is about interventions at all but yah...question asked. For me, when I was ready, all it took was one concerned good friend to tell me "it's time to get help."

barbaralewis · Veteran Member

We're trying so hard to not be enablers. We're not giving him any money or bailing him out any more. We have bailed him out of jail for the last time in the hopes that he would be better off out of jail so he could get a job 2 months ago . Thinking he would be better off out of jail so he could get a job and a lawyer and take care of business. Obviously a mistake as he has. Not flowed thru. He told us he would do rehab before we paid bail but his idea was doing it himself which is a joke . We will not give him any $$. Which is hard when yr chd says he's hungry and his dog is hungry . But we are being strong. I just hoped that someone here had some experience in intervention and could give some input. Please help me.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Barbara: Are you wanting information on how to stage an intervention or our experience after intervention?

barbaralewis · Veteran Member

Both , sort of, but mostly your experience in general. I have a pretty good idea on how it's supposed to go down but if there are any key points to say or not say that would be helpful.
If its against alanon rules then I'm sorry I asked. I thought surely there are people here who have tried to get their loved one into rehab. But if the principals here are against that then maybe I don't belong here. I have been trying to detach with love and have been doing pretty well I think. This site has helped me tremendously. My husband says he doesn't care what it says, that if we don't try to talk him into a rehab and he ends up dead that we will never be able to live with that.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son cwya.
Grateful2be, thanks for sharing.
Pinkchip, thanks for answering, I think I realize that u have a pro perspective here.

Today i am grateful for my daughters 6 month sobriety.
I pray that I can say that about my son one day.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Barbara, you are welcome and you absolutely belong here. Weaving Alanon into this, the questions turn to "Why be unable to live with yourself over someone else's choices?" How much have you tried already? Sounds like you have more than strongly suggested it (rehab) before. In actuality, interventions are about boundaries and what you will no longer do if a person refuses appropriate treatment. I think you are fine looking into rehabs available and presenting them to him. But, Barbara...The Alanon kicks in for you guys if he refuses still or goes and just messes up again after one, two or many rehabs. Alanon will help you guys cope and deal with that insanity of addiction rather than blame yourself or think you didn't do enough. Not saying that will happen but this is not the fault of you and your husband. At what point would you stop feeling guilty and not being able to live with yourself? At what point would you stop looking into rehabs if he refuses to go? I applaud the effort, compassion, and concern...detachment will come into play also though. You are doing great as parents of a child (actually 2 kids) with a horrible disease. Please go easy on yourselves if your reasonable efforts to intervene don't work. That will be a shame if it does go down that way but you and your husband deserve peace and serenity regardless of if he gets sober or not.
Another option is to have your daughter look into some sober peers she has with years of sobriety (she is too green in sobriety to do this on her own) and have them reach out (preferably men). This is called a 12th step call and we do do that in AA and NA sometimes.
So Barbara, if he refuses to get sober, accept help or reasonably comply with treatment, there will be work and Alanon principles to help save your sanity, serenity, and just to know you guys aren't alone. His disease has him unable to live with himself, if it does that to you and your husband, it claims even more victims. In the meanwhile, I support you being loving parents looking into treatment options...but knowing you are powerless over what he does. I pray he gets treatment but it's not in my control or yours. Keep sharing here PLEASE!

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Barbara,

The first time my AW went to rehab, I went to her therapists appointment with her after she had had a particular bender over labor day that she kept denying she even had. Apparently she had been discussing this with the therapist for awhile. At that point she finally said she didn't know if she had a problem, but she had to do something, so SHE got on the phone and made the appointment to go into rehab. Meanwhile, her mom sat outside the therapists office, awaiting that we had talked her into rehab. What a mess.

I don't know what I would have done at that point if she would have refused. I had no support and no Al Anon in my life right then, I'm sure I would have gone on to the next thing, which would have likely been nag, nag, nag until it drove her completely away from me. If I had known better, I would have kept my expectations low, because denial is an ingrained thing in my AW, when she is in denial, she could run out in the street in front of a bus, get run over, and blame it on the bus company and the driver for letting too many passengers on and not being able to stop in time. Total craziness.

Barbara, you do belong here. I agree totally with what pinkchip just said - if you have the intervention, what will you do if he just refuses, still denies the problem, runs out and runs away, etc. There are a lot of possible outcomes to interventions, many of which aren't positive. Expectations management will be necessary, and that is one of the principles that we have here.

Keep coming back, and keep talking. If you disagree with us, we are happy to talk about it and discuss it out with you. We may even agree to disagree, but in either case we will still support you.

Kenny

barbaralewis · Veteran Member

ok. thanks. a lot to think about..... i can't type more now because i have to work in public and not cry.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome.

My experience is the person who works hard to get into a program of recovery at rehab, is one who decides and does it themselves. Some A's go into rehab many times in their lives. We have no control over their disease. To me intervention seems like we are still believing we can control their behavior.

I know if my loved ones gathered with me and wanted me to go way and stop whatever, no way would I do it. If I decided to try, I would surely not be able to.

It's sad but drinking is their passion. Like animals are mine. If someone wanted me to change that becuz I am older, too hard to carry in hay and grain, hard on me to fix fences etc. them putting me somewhere to learn the truths and stop, is NOT going to encourage me at all. I would have to get tired of cleaning up after them, face it hurts me too much to lift things, etc. i would have to decide for myself.

anyway there is nothing that says you cannot hold an intervention. It may help, it may not. As long as it is done with treating him with respect, and it is his decision....

sounds like manipulation, there are places all over to get human food and dog food. He needs to learn this stuff does not work with you. Remember they lie. Unless we see it, we have NO idea what they are up to.

That is why Al Anon teaches us to take care of ourselves and not take their inventory. His side of the street is his own.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.