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So last night I went out with friends from work. Had a great time, laughed so hard my stomach hurt a few times. I did have a few drinks. I didn't think once about what my AH was doing. He knew I wa going, I planned other arrangements for my kids since I can't depend on him. Came home, great mood, he of course had a 12pack down and pissed. He was hateful, short with me and angry that I had reactivated my facebook. He choose this night to bring that up. Truth is, I deleted my FB when he went in a rant about a random message some stranger sent me. I told him if he's that worried I would delete it all. Well, I keep in touch with my book clubs and old friends and missed them. The night he chose to pull an all nighter and not come home I decided to hell with promises And reactivated it. I think he's just mad and chose that as an excuse to be mean. I went to sleep and didn't let him ruin the rest of my night. I guess he's more upset that I'm doing stuff outside the home. Which confuses me even more. Now I just hope my family and I can have a peaceful day today and he doesn't go out, get drunk today to make me regret last night. That's usually what happens, I get to a good place and he "shows me" by going on a bender. Keeping my fingers crossed
Thats not good Hope, waiting on your punishment from the A in your life. Do you go to meetings? they can help you with setting boundaries and keeping yourself from putting up with abuse. Take care and remember you are an adult, if you want to go out with friends that is normal, healthy behaviour, dont let the insanity of an alcoholic tell you different.x
It's great that you were able to have a good time and not worry about AH. You were exercising boundaries.
My AW just got out of rehab about 3 months ago. When she was there, a family education counselor, who is an addict himself, told me something that has stuck with me. He said "nothing in this world can make me drink. Nothing in this world can MAKE me drink. I may choose to drink in reaction to it, but nothing can make me do it"
I then later learned through Alanon that "nothing my AW drinks can make me feel guilty, because I didn't cause, won't cure it, and can't control it". That realization freed me from thinking that my AW was drinking to punish me. She was drinking because she was drinking. Because she felt she needed an excuse. After a while, she got to the point where she didn't really need the excuse. Or if she did, it might as well have been "oh, I heard a pin drop, I think I need a drink".
So go on about your business unabashedly. And if your AH "punishes" you, you know the 3 Cs!
I have said for the last year or so, my happiest days turned out to be my worse days. Much like you have said in your post, my AH did not like to see me happy, did not like to see me live my life. In fact, during a session of marriage counseling he admitted that when he came home from work and he saw I was in a good mood, his goal for the night was to make me sad/hurt. He was usually very successful, by the end of the night I would be on the couch staring into space wishing God would take my life. I'm assuming that since he was not happy then I couldn't be happy either. I worried about anything I did that might make me happy as I knew he would use it against me and punish me for it. I hope your AH did not ruin your night like I allowed my AH to ruin so many nights for me. I'm in a better place now, my AH has left the house and has found someone else. I'm sure in time he will do the same mental game on his new woman that he did to me. It is nice to know I can be happy and not have to worry about the punishment I would get for just having a smile on my face. Take care of you and remember the 3Cs. You cannot control him, but you can control your reaction to him and it sounds like you made some good choices.
I remember realising that he seriously, any time he heard my daughter and I laughing or enjoying ourselves, would come stomping down the hall to stand in the doorway, look around the room and find something to get angry about. He could not stand to hear us happy. So I quizzed him on it one time when he was lucid and telling me he wanted to be a better man to us, and he was "shocked" to hear that I thought he enjoyed "stamping out fun". He said "You so don't understand who I am if you think that". He meant he was so upset that I wasn't buying his "I'm really a loving family man" act. And after that he just did it in subtler ways..and yes me on the computer is a huge one. He hears me typing, he comes out to accuse me of all manner of indiscretions. I'm typing to my "boyfriend", he insists. He had such a huge issue with me using facebook that I deleted mine for a while too.
I modified so many of my habits to keep him happy that I literally cut out doing anything at all that made me happy. Those little things, even looking on facebook and laughing at the funny stuff my friends and family share once a day are a huge part of finding my way back to myself. Don't let go of those things, if they make you smile then you NEED them to get through this one way or another.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Thursday 20th of February 2014 07:26:06 AM
Hope, ((((hugs))))) and gratitude for this.
My AH does the same thing and I really don't get it at all. Why does anyone feel uncomfortable with feelings of happiness? I don't really want or need to know the answer to that one btw but it definitely happens in our house and it is an amazingly controlling and manipulative behaviour. As El-cee says, don't wait for or expect punishment for enjoying your life. I'm re-typing this here for my benefit as well! It is a lesson that I often forget.
My exAH broke my computer to smithereens one night and just got jealous whenever I wasn't sharing in his misery and he knew it was my escape. It is all about control and once you give it up it is so much harder to ever get it back. I am very glad you found us here! Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It is a lesson that I often forget.