The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Finally understood what I have been trying to do for so long, and why it didn't work. And why I have been so freaking tired and sad for so long.
See, I had accepted my powerlessness over someone else's drinking, gambling, whatever. I really had. Drink, gamble, whatever buddy. Do what you like. But I really did believe that I could work around it and make a stable, nice, happy home AROUND it. Yep, I really did. I clung on to that idea like a life-raft. Change my behaviour, change the layout of the house, keep us separate, push his mess out of sight, put on soothing music at night to drown out the noise, keep my girl away from him, OMG did I really think I could do that? And it would work? How much freaking energy did I pour into trying to do this? How much control was I trying to exert while thinking I had given up being in control? The things you learn about yourself. I actually thought I had done a great job of "accepting powerlessness". LMAO. To my credit, I did a pretty good job. No-one noticed. To everyone outside, we really did seem like a pretty normal family. Well no-one said anything, anyway.
It reminds me of when I was about 13 and I wanted to move out of home more than anything on earth. I would try to convince ANYONE who would listen that I could just live in their garage, their shed, once I discovered that my friend's parents had a little unfinished space in the roof and I spent hours and days planning how I could make a home out of it...hang some nice silk scarves to cover the exposed insulation, a camp-stove, I'd climb up and down a ladder and come and go by the laundry door and put a little table and chairs out on the path by the laundry where no-one ever went and call it my backyard...I tried so hard to convince them...I was just desperate to turn ANYTHING into a home for myself. I would have happily taken up residence in a tree-house.
And that's just what I was trying to do for the past 8 years. Turn an absolutely uninhabitable environment into a home. Live with a raging A and somehow compromise so that I get to live in a nice, clean, stable, safe home and still keep him around and pretend it doesn't matter what he does or how he behaves. I wonder how that has been for him? Having me trying to constantly shuffle everything to keep him out of sight? He doesn't want that. He wants to be a disaster living amongst his own carnage. He wants to paint the entire world black to match his pain. I know how it has been for me. It has been exhausting and defeating and sad.
So, I'm searching, making calls, looking for housing, nothing is going smoothly but it's going to. Geeze, people move house all the time. I have a number to call tomorrow (it's late at night right now) that can help me make a proper plan. They were shut this afternoon when I finally got the number from a referral service. (I've had a freaking awful time trying to make calls and get information, like the universe is really working against me, every number I call is no longer in service, or I wait on hold and then my phone dies, and he's been home so trying to sneak around with the phone when we only get reception in a few areas of the house but oh well) It can't be as hard as it seems right now. I want to be out before he decides its a good idea to drink again. I have bags packed, I've alerted people, still don't have anywhere I can take the animals but at the first sign of drinking I figure I'll just walk down to the police station with them in tow and figure something out from there.
For the record I tried to call the police while he was raging and he came in and took the phone from me and smashed it. What he did was awful; he terrified both of us for hours but basically he took my daughters ipad from her for no reason, threw it on the roof, ranted bizarre drunken crap at her for ages about how you cant use an ipad while you are watching tv (he didn't actually hit her but his behaviour was absolutely monstrous nonetheless and will be etched into her mind forever), pulled my hair and pushed me over, stood on my glasses, it was just so awful but by the time he had passed out and I was in a position to call the police (I have a couple of old phones stashed around the house, you can make emergency calls without a sim) it just sounded weak. To have them come and arrest an unconscious man because he took an ipad away from what they would class as his step-daughter, pulled my hair, he would say he accidentally stood on my glasses (it wasn't an accident)...anyway I should have but I didn't, I was in shock I guess and it sounded stupid..but it wasn't stupid it was just awful and I wish I had have now. I reverted to type I think and tried to normalise it in my mind once everything had calmed down. I know how weak that is and I'm so very unhappy with myself now. I've never seen that side of him, it was just horrible and so frightening. He's been a lunatic before but never to the point where I feared for my life. I guess because the fights used to happen when i tried to argue with him when he was drunk. He'd lash out. I would go and hide, and that would be it. I really always felt it was my fault for arguing with him. Now I look back and can't believe I put myself under so much extra stress taking the blame as well as the abuse. I did nothing to provoke this, we were just minding our own business and watching tv.
So anyway, I'm alive and kicking. Daughter is safe and well. She's here tonight, asleep in my bed and I'm so happy to have her with me again but not happy to have her under the same roof as him even though he isn't drinking (he's all remorseful and sad, it might last a few more days). I don't know where I am going exactly, just that I want to be away from it and building a new life right now and I'm getting impatient, I tried all of the suggestions people made calling animal shelters and vets and the like and there's just no-one to help with the pets, "we don't offer that service anymore", all of the womens shelters in my region have closed, how can that be? but apparently the people I am due to call tomorrow have government funding to write cheques to pay for short term accommodation and also can possibly pay for a private boarding kennel for people fleeing domestic violence. I mean for their pets, not for the people I've also found some share accomodation that might be a good option and I'm hoping, fingers crossed that ABF wll do us all a favour and just move out like he has been threatening to for so long. He's been in a black, black mood, angry and sad and can't remember any of what he did and part of me feels for him and hurts because earlier in the day when he was just getting started on his drunk he was going on about how much he loves us and how sorry he is for everything and how much better it will be now. It must really, really suck to know how badly he screwed it all up but I can't think about that for too long, gotta just think about daughter, and I, and our fur-babies, and the wonderful new life we are about to start. And they are always sad and remorseful, aren't they? Until next time.
Hugs to all and thanks for the love and prayers. We're OK and I know my thinking isn't quite right yet but I do know we are unsafe with him, he is dangerous and there's no way I can manage it anymore, if I try to push it under the carpet one more time it could end in tragedy and now my daughter is afraid of him anyway and no matter what other thoughts, hurts and feelings come up I just remind myself of the decision I have made, that I wont have her live with someone she is afraid of and any other bad feelings I have can kick and scream and do their worst, it doesn't change that. Wish I had been smarter earlier but no good being mad at myself now. Just gotta push forward with that one thought in mind. Safe home for kid. One where she can stuff around on her ipad AND watch TV like any normal kid without being terrorised.. Not much to ask really.
Glad you and your wee girl are safe and well. I know what you mean about not seeing whats right in front of our nose. Since joining Alanon, these awakenings keep happening, I feel like Im going about like Ahhh all the time. Its so amazing how we can weave little fantasies into our lives, Im interested in why I done this, Im working on it. Reality is easier to deal with in my experience and now you are aware of the truth your actions should be work for you. Im also in a period of change, realising my serenity is important and working out how far I will go to get it. Maybe in the not too distant future, you and I will be talking about our calm, happy lives and wondering what took us so long in claiming them.x
I am so glad to hear from you and appreciate your update. For the record, I too knew I was powerless over alcoholism and thought that even though I was powerless over the disease, I could make a happy family life around it. Like you, I was exhausted, sad, lonely and unfulfilled in my "pretend life". It too came to a crashing end in a much similar fashion. as you have experienced. I did not call the police either, although his actions and attitude were extremely frightening. The fear forced me to pack up and leave for my sister's that night.
I am glad you're exploring your options and have a Plan B as to where to go what to do if the problem surfaces again.
Please believe that you're not alone and that HP will guide your steps to a much happier, saner life. I am glad your daughter is with you today
So glad your daughter and furbabies are OK. Keep on using your tools! You are one courageous woman, and it's a great way to look at it " the wonderful new life we are about to start."
Raven, we are dealing with a similar thing, worried that we can't go anywhere or the A will hurt our furbabies. It's so sick and sad when you think about it, imagine hearing it from someone else? It horrifies me that I have spent...still spend...so much time worrying about someone who would be so cruel and abusive.
El-cee, I have so much respect for you, I look forward to that day too. It will come, I know if I keep working at it, it will come. Who knew that this alanon thing could be the lighthouse I've been searching for for so many years? It was suggested to me years before. I just screwed up my face. Alanon? Why would I want to go and talk about alcoholism? So I can learn to care for him better? Eww! Wouldn't I be better served talking about something positive? Doing something positive? lol, if only I knew.
Betty, I can't express to you how much it helps to know that you have done and felt so many of the same things as me and still emerged as a beautiful independent strong woman. You are such an inspiration to me.
Kenny thank-you for finding the positive in my words and for being so supportive. It means a lot.
On a more ridiculous note...
ABF has decided for the last 3 nights (since the "incident") to sleep on the spare sofa- bed we keep in the dining room. Which is also where the pantry and fridge live. He's positioned the bed to block both, so that in the morning when we try to get breakfast or pack lunch we can't access food and when we try he screams and moans that we "won't ever let him sleep, ever". He claims he is sleeping there because "I won't let him sleep in my bed". He has his own room with his own bed. This is absurd toddler behaviour. I don't know what he hopes it will achieve but it just spurs me on to find another place to be as soon as possible. He's turning it from bad into just plain freaking ridiculous and I'd like to have another place to go lined up before nightfall tonight. It occurs to me that I live at the beach and the summer break has just ended so we could probably get a caravan nearbye for a few weeks while I find something else, not sure if they will allow pets but its a possibility since the parks are all empty at the moment. ("Trailer" parks are different in Australia, way more expensive and no-one lives in them really, they are just for holidays). It's not a bad option, possibly an awesome one. Daughter would love it, like a little holiday! Come to think of it, as I typed this I realised, one of her friends at school's parents OWN one of the local caravan parks. I wonder if I dare tell them what is going on and ask for some help? Cross your fingers for me; I'll start making calls once he is up and in front of his computer with his headphones on.
I'm so sorry to hear about your A treating you and your daughter so horribly. In my f2f meeting today, the subject was Decisions/Choices. In one of the readings it stated a decision would be shown to us in the right moment. Sounds like you have made a decision that will be best for you and your daughter. I hope and pray that you are able to find a place for your animals if you are not able to take them with you. This is such a baffling disease, I'm losing my battle with it, that is for sure. My AH left us, in a lot of ways I'm very sad and hurt but on the other hand he isn't there to blame me for everything that happens. I can be happy without worry of punishment, I can go places I want to go and he is not there to punish me or hold it over my head. I was so afraid to do anything for me as that meant that he would use it against me in one way or another. Sounds like your A is playing a lot of mental games (abuse) with you, but you sound strong and have handled the situation well. I will be praying for you and your daughter and pets. Good luck in finding a safe place to stay.
I had a funny sort of realisation, when I was moaning and wringing my hands and feeling sorry for myself over this for the past few days.
When I am given a menu in a restaurant, I don't screw up my nose at everything and think "but I want an eye fillet steak with blue cheese and asparagus and I'm going to sit here being unhappy until someone feels sorry for me and brings it to me", I excitedly look through the menu to find the thing that appeals most. Maybe I just need to do that with my life. Pick something off the freaking menu instead of waiting for my blue cheese and asparagus steak. Sure, I want the A to wake up, get into recovery, get help for his really quite severe mental issues and become a loving and trustworthy partner to me. But it isn't on the menu; is it really worth sitting here and starving for the rest of my life while everyone around me enjoys their meal?
Just a thought, a bit random I know, lol.
I worry about you too. If you were closer I would take both the cat and dog along with you and your daughter until you could get on your feet. Please be safe and keep us posted on how you are doing. Positive thoughts from miles away.
You will be fine, Melly. I am glad you all are safe and your baby is back with you. You know his patterns and it sounds like you have a window of time to proceed with intention. Take good care.
Thank you Melly for sharing with us what you've been going through. I love your analogy to the restaurant menu! It seems like I always want whatever's NOT on the menu. If I go to sandwich shoppe, I want Chinese. If I'm at Dragon Palace, I want pizza. I go to a seafood place for a hamburger! Boy can I relate. Its really hard to choose healthy when I've only known disease. I always fell prey to the "if onlys" ad "what ifs" and the ever reliable "he promised." You sound like you are choosing the path safest for you and your daughter. I really hope the caravan works out. You both deserve a vacation in safe and happy land. Its easy to believe they'll change when they're not drinking. We all want the people we love to find healing. I risked our lives on that hope. Your furry family will be ok too. God will protect them and you. We just sometimes need a big shove to do what we knew in the back of our minds we needed to do. Good luck and keep us posted if you can.
Be aware that when you do leave, this is a volatile moment with the A, expect that he will react and from his previous physical abuse you should take care!!
I left the house with my kids and pets and my very non-violent AH turned into an absolute menace. I had to get a restraining order and it led to some quite scary tactics when he was trying to get us to come back.
If you do need to go back to the house for something, don't go alone
__________________
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
Melly I am glad you and your girl and fur babies are safe. You know in your heart that he cannot stay. I have been thinking a lately about starting over, with a blank slate, free to make new choices and create a newer better life. You have a chance to start all over again, free of all this pain and free of this crazy man and his outbursts and free of fear. Melly, I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers, imagine how much fun you and your daughter will have, she can have her friends over, you can finally relax and heal, its going to be okay Melly. Anything is better than this. Sending love, support, hugs, and courage. You are wonderful, your daughter is as well. HP will find you a way.
Sounds like you are making lots of right moves. I love your menu simile and will keep it with me for life. Thank you.
Sending prayers that the caravan 'vacation' works out, it is a great idea and I'm sure it would give you some peaceful space for recovery and restoration.
I've always found that when I need something to change, and start putting out the word, amazing things start to happen. I can think of many times in life when I've I kept talking to people and kept taking steps even when I'm not sure where they are heading and every conversation and every move have, without my knowing it, contributed to bringing some awesome and wonderful things into my life. HP in action I guess!
You, your daughter and your fur balls all deserve safety. When the crazies arrive in our house I sometimes think about a leading lady in the movies - Sandra Bullock springs to mind as I type this! I always feel a burst of 'Yay!!' when these characters stand up and protect their boundaries and loved ones (including themselves). So here I am this morning shouting 'Yay!!' to you from an Italian hilltop. So proud to know you Melly
(((Melly)))) I will continue praying that you find a safe, welcome place to move to. Each and every one of us deserves to happy and safe. I believe that right now, he is in his remorseful stage, and you are doing the right thing before he slides back down to his crazy place. Stay safe and be careful! Our HP works in mysterious ways, maybe this was the push that HE planned to get you to act.
(((Melly))) Your post resonates big time! It's like the As have a script that they pass back and forth to each other. I'm glad you're gaining clarity and it will help give the strength and courage to keep doing the next right thing.
Please have at least one safety plan and a back up- do not underestimate the importance of making this preparation- reach out to people you trust for help -and- I hope it comes to pass that you will not need it.
Sending warm prayers for continued wisdom, strength, and courage.
^^^Yes!! Great ESH bud, love the part about the script:) The caravan sounds great, I could imagine your daughter's excitement at staying in one, and the peace and quiet you would both have. You both deserve that holiday!
XO
As the 'mother' of 2 dogs I am sending you and your daughter lots of positive energy that you will be able to find a place where you can all live in peaceful harmony.
When I knew it was time I found a way and I know you will too. I had to move 3 times in one summer until I found a place I could afford to stay and I gave up all my pets to good homes which took a little time, but I figured it out. Keep you two safe! I am sorry things are this way for you now, but am happy to hear you are finding a way to leave the insanity behind. This is hard stuff and I am sending you lots of prayer, love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I've also found some share accomodation that might be a good option and I'm hoping, fingers crossed that ABF wll do us all a favour and just move out like he has been threatening to for so long. He's been in a black, black mood, angry and sad and can't remember any of what he did and part of me feels for him and hurts because earlier in the day when he was just getting started on his drunk he was going on about how much he loves us and how sorry he is for everything and how much better it will be now. It must really, really suck to know how badly he screwed it all up but I can't think about that for too long, gotta just think about daughter, and I, and our fur-babies, and the wonderful new life we are about to start. And they are always sad and remorseful, aren't they? Until next time.