The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm at a complete, total loss. Had given up hope AH would show a glimmer of changing, was preparing to move at end of school year (had baby in fall and under teacher contract is why the wait). We've been married 13years, the last 6 he's been drinking heavily. Things came to yet another head late November and for some reason he finally agreed to marriage counselor (been wanting this for over a year), I figured at least I could say I did try everything I could before I left with the kids. Lucky thing the counselor is also an addiction counselor and has called him on his BS. The latest tool he's using is that he can control the drinking, which he is doing ok at for the moment, he hasn't drank in 11 days and it is less when he drinks. History has proven this won't last. When there is proof of the drinking he is very apologetic and begging for another chance and so remorseful. He has told counselor he's going to AA and has sponsor, told me he doesn't think it helps and since he goes during the work day I'm skeptical he's going at all. He is a good dad and is trying the nights he isn't drinking. When he is drunk he's generally just stupid and not mean, though it seems to be progressing into more anger towards me the last few times. I feel heartless that I don't believe anything he says. Today was a tough counseling session, tried to get him to see his denial and counselor had me give him examples of how he's hurt me by drinking. He's furious, says he's ganged up on, he's sorry there's nothing he can do for past things. Counselor told him to get an alcohol evaluation completed and said we wouldn't meet again until that was done.
I need to make decisions, if we separate I need a full time position and in world of teaching contracts the window is march/April. not sure current district will have a full time position next year, seems cruel to move kids out of the area away from him. Sharing custody scares me, he's functioning and has a good job, is it worth separating?
it was so much easier when he wasn't trying at all, decision made I was DONE, easier to be alone than lonely next to someone. now is making some steps and trying to be better husband, but is not acknowledging the problem drinking. Funny thing I can't cry anymore at home, just so shutdown. Started going to F2F meetings and can't stop crying there
thanks for the place to vent, this site is a lifesaver and reading everyone's experiences shows there may be hope for happiness again.
Welcome home Kerrymom and you're progressing well; taking steps forward while still connected with hope...cool. I remember some of that myself...giving it a chance, now using the program while he is being confronted by a multi-tasking counselor. I love tough addiction counselors; tried to be one myself and the proof sometimes is in the thankyous you continue to get later on. Keep living in the day...fortune telling and projecting use to up my insanity index (lol), Working with my sponsor helped me to learn to stay in the moment only and not venture behind or beyond or I would fry myself with "shoulda, coulda, wouldas" From my experience doing the "easy does it" method of recovery works best. In support. (((((hugs)))))
Hey Kerrymom
I am new too. I understand your feelings. I have been married 10 years, and we have 5 kids. My AH has been drinking 2 years... that I am aware... Although he has a life time of use problems that I was in the loss about. I didn't realize how messed up his past was. anyway. It is hard when they are a "good" dad. I find myself even disliking those moments. "oh , look here comes super dad... playing on the floor with the kids.. but didn't show up till midnight the other day... " Last winter my AH blacked out in the kitchen and the next day agreed he had a problem. Went to counseling. That ended up not improving the situation. Time went on ,... issues went on. I reached out to family .. friends.. that didn't work. Then in the summer he again agreed -problem- . Poured out his beers in the sink, the kids were ? him , he said he was setting a bad example for too long. YEAH! I thought. But ... sadly 2 maybe 3 weeks later he pulls up to the liqueur store with me and kids in car and says he doesn't need anyone's permission. UGH.
I don't believe him. We are not close. I feel the pain in your statement easier to be alone then next to someone and lonely. AMEN, that is how I feel even at this very moment. I went to my first f2f meeting last Friday. I BALLED. so sad he doesn't even know who I am.
I don't know what is right for you. But Keep sharing because we know the pain is real, your feelings count. Hope you get another f2f soon. I also pray your counsel situation moves forward. (ours was not an addiction counselor )
I am glad that you reached out and connected by sharing your thoughts, pain and experience. Living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely confusing and family members develop many negative tools in an attempt to cope with and survive the insanity ,These negative attitudes affect our ability to live life, with the previous courage, self esteem, self confidence and wisdom that we had .
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Alanon is a program whose primary aim is to help families of alcoholics. I am glad that you are attending Face to Face meetings and would like to urge you to continue.
You know that alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. The best we can do to maintain our sanity seek out a recovery program for ourselves and attend. Alanon provided all the answers for me. Attending meetings, getting a sponsor, using the slogans, the literature, and working the Steps taught me to stay focused on myself, one day at a time, trusting HP and knowing that I would be guided to live my life with courage, serenity and wisdom.
It doesn't sound like you are at a complete loss. It sounds like you are doing all the things I would be doing given the insane situation of being married to an alcoholic. Go easy on yourself. This is a hard set of circumstances. Also, if he really was doing AA and getting sober, he would have much to work on and much to find out about himself. I'm not encouraging you to leave him, but staying just because you think he won't get sober without you....well - there's equal reasons why he won't do it with you and and why it's healthier without. In sum, do what you feel is right. A separation while a newly sober alcholic learns to take care of themselves and act like a responsible grown up can be a good thing and it doesn't always mean divorce. Alanon is a steady source of support while all this is unfolding.
I understand completely as your experiences were my experiences. The others provided wonderful counsel. I want to add that sobriety does not make a person a healthy, loving spouse, however RECOVERY can. Recovery is actively working the program as it was designed to be worked. My hubbie tried to do it his way, as did I, for a long time. It does not work take good care, you are doing some nice work.
It's funny how we can think we have a plan, then in comes life and BOOM knocks it for a loop! Happens to me all the time, whether about alcoholism or whether my car will start in the morning!
Keep using your tools. F2F meeting are meant to be cried at. You have some major grieving to do, losing AH, then thinking you have gained, but realizing you are still losing him. Some day, probably sooner than you think, you will stop crying. And you will have been absorbing the wisdom of others all that time that you have been crying. So don't be discouraged on the F2F!
So glad you have an addictions counselor. My family is going to family therapy with an addictions counselor, they are so great, not mamby pamby, usually won't let you get away with BS.
take good care, you are doing some nice work.