Great meeting yesterday but still feeling low. - Al-Anon Family Group

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Great meeting yesterday but still feeling low.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jim

Your post is filled with positives, a great meeting with loving people, good news on the mortgage but then all the anger surfaces towards your parents. I can relate in a way, I blamed my Mum, who was not an alcoholic, for lots of my difficulties, I felt she never guided me properly and it was her fault I married and brought up my kids with an alcoholic.
I blamed her right up until I surrendered my own will and my own ideas of who was to blame. I realised through Alanon that this was down to a few things, immaturity - while blaming my Mum I was not taking responsibility for my own life, choices and consequences. Having her to blame was childish and it let me ignore my own part in how I lived my life. I had to work on forgiveness and empathy and surprisingly when I owned up to my own immaturity I found it quite easy to forgive my Mum, she done the best with what she had, she had many many good qualities but she was also a flawed human being, just like me, and she tried to be a good parent but she could only give me what was given to her so where does the blame end, with her parents or their parents. How many generations do we go back to find the culprit?

I am working on my first step 4 right now and I have a couple of pages of shortcomings based on my own parenting skills, or lack of, and it was hard writing and reading to be honest. I have made many, many mistakes and your post could be from my kids in the future. I hope though that they realise that I am only human with my own set of complex issues, I loved them and gave them what I had to give. I never meant to hurt them or make them feel lacking in any way. I had the same hopes and dreams for them that any parent has, so they too will face choices like you.

Either work on forgiving, drop the judgement, get the compassion, you say they never felt worthy or good enough, thats sad Jim, dont they deserve some compassion for that pain? You would give compassion to anyone who feels that way. I like the saying 'By the grace of God, I go' (I think thats right) but it means if we truly believe alcoholism is a disease then thank god we dont have it and those who do surely deserve compassion.

Do you read the 'Hope for Today' daily reader? Its got lots of readings to help adult children. I hope you find serenity Jim, keep working on it.x

-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 18th of February 2014 05:25:42 PM

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thanks El-Cee,

I feel better now that I was able to cool off. I am blessed in so many ways and I know that.

They did an income calculation and I make less than I thought I did. Not a lot but still enough to be like 'woah! I am actually behind the curve.'....and 'how did I miss this?'

But as I stated, I have everything I need and this is just a first world problem and an ego problem. I have only been at my company 2.5 years and am doing very well considering that.

I learned later than I'd have liked that the alcoholic wasn't going to provide for me the life that I wanted and it was up to me. All I've ever wanted was to give myself a chance. A chance at a good life.

But, because I am so used to the struggle mentality, my mind always reverts there and I have these internal freak-outs.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

This is such a great place for coming and venting, its just another tool really, another thing to be grateful for. When it comes to keeping up with my peers or how far on the curve I am way behind. When I left my ex I left everything, started again from scratch at age 37. I never had a bed of my own. It was quite a liberating experience actually, to walk away from material possessions. I have friends who have it all, the bought house, cars you know the whole lot but they are as messed up as the rest of us, the difference is - I feel richer now that I have spirituality in my life. I own nothing really - I dont own my own house, I gave up my car, I have no posessions of any value really and I like it that way. Sometimes, I look into getting a mortgage, I want something to leave my kids but when I left my relationship I was left with our joint debt so thats still being paid off, nearly there mind you. The good life is different to different people - to me its about contentment within myself, just to be at peace with the world really, be happy for what I have, my family, friends, my job. Thats about it for me. I suppose Im quite a simple, complex person.lol. Thanks for sharing, I always like to read your posts, they are honest and open.x

cwya · Senior Member

Jim--I could relate so much to your feelings. I too was raised by people who did not give me what I needed to live as a happy, healthy human being in a world where the only needs I get met are those I can meet myself even as my life draws to a close. Yes, they did the best they could but it is important for me to remember that, frankly, their best was just not good enough. I lack so many skills and emotional resiliency I need to live in this world. And, yes, I have often hated my family for not providing me with the tools necessary to survive when we have no one at all to help us navigate all the horrors we sometimes have to face. I was not equipped for survival in this world but that didn't mean the world would leave me be until I developed those skills. We all deserve to be treated with love, respect, and high regard. I just had to figure out how to have those things when the people I loved couldn't give them to me.

One of the first things I learned in Al-Anon was that its okay for me to be angry that I didn't have the family I deserved to have. Its even okay for me to hate those who made my world a living hell. Its ok for me to resent the fact my needs are not and can never be met by the people I wanted. Two year-olds are not at fault for what happens to them no matter how many times or how loudly they've been told they are. Once I got straight on what belonged to me and what belonged to other people, I was able to begin to heal, to learn, to love, and to respect myself for the beautiful child of God that I am. Did I deserve parents who saw me that way, too? You bet! But that didn't happen and eventually I have been able to forgive them. Tomorrow (I guess its today actually) I will have 36 years of sobriety in AA and 25 years of recovery in Al-anon and it was only today I realized I am still carrying my family's shame on my old and bent back.

Does this mean I haven't had a "good" program? No. It means that at the ripe old age of ** God isn't done with me yet. As long as there is breath in my body I will have more to learn, further to grow, wisdom to convey and silliness to impart. Its about being human. I don't have to carry anyone else anymore. I'm plenty heavy all on my own. But I will never forget. Forgiveness isn't about letting other people off the hook for their crimes of omission and commission. For me, its about me deciding to be and do better than they did. We gotta feel it to heal it. Anger is just the clothes we put on until we can learn to sew our own coat of many colors. Be gentle with yourself. You're doing great from what I can see. You deserve absolutely the best life has to offer. No matter what any one else thinks. {{{{{{SJ}}}}}}}

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I had to stop competing with people who in my mind had healthier parents, more money handed to them growing up, more support, love, you name it they may have had more of it, but I learned to rely on myself and have learned some very hard lessons that have taught me to be responsible and to protect myself and my kids. I am now thankful for the hard lessons learned and although it has been an uphill battle, I am better for it. I do relate with you so much having parents that were not able to do much for me. My Mom even knew about a neighbor guy that was molesting me growing up and kept it hidden from my dad. It took me years to forgive her and my addict Dad who was aloof about what was going on within his own house. I have compassion for her now and my dad has passed but I hold no grudge towards them. My Mom grew up being molested and could only handle it the way she knew how to and that was to hide it. I have worked through it and know I am doing the best I can at the moment and it is not what I had pictured, but I have accepted that and it is okay that I am just now going to college at 35. All in good time and you are doing very well with your program! Sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.