The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My youngest daughter(47) is an alcoholic. She has hidden it over the years well, but in the last few years, it is evident. I finally confronted her last summer. She still calls me and pretends. I just can't do it anymore. I am getting too old(74), and have other rather stressful things going on with other family members. I just always wanted peace and calm in my life(never have seemed to find it). My first husband(her father was an alcoholic), second husband had a drinking problem, but was able to function well. I took care of him for ten years(alzheimers). He passed away, and now I am just looking to rest.
Anyway, I told her to not call me anymore, as I just can't take her denial. She does have IBS and bad vomiting episodes, but is in denial as to why. She can't work for the last 3 years. She didn't cal for 2 weeks and then called again...saying she missed talking to me. In reality she does all of the talking and is not there for me for many years. She has never bothered me in any other way, except the calling and blaming others for her problems. I feel awful not to want to talk to my own daughter, like I say, she never has asked for money, or caused a ruckus. Her mind is now affected by all of the alcohol. She was so smart and funny. I think she is close to dying, lost 50 ounds in the last year and even had siezures and hospital stays for low potassium, ect..... I think she smokes pot too. Should I still be there for her, and then worry about everything she tells me( all twisted around and lies)??? Or should I continue to let go and feel bad?
Hi Welcome to MIP. I notice you posted one other time, so forgive me if I missed that one. Although we can't give advice on what to do or not do specifically in cases like this, we have learned that attending Al-Anon meetings, obtaining Conference Approved Literature, finding a sponsor in the meetings and working the program helps us grow and make choices that benefit us in healthy ways even if our loved one continues to use alcohol or drugs. It helps me cope with my own son's progressive disease. In my case, I detached completely from my son and his disease and I don't feel bad about it. There was a time I did but Al-Anon helped me see that my recovery was the most important thing. I can pray for my son and I can love him enough to let him do what he will do without my interference. I can love myself enough to accept that I simply don't want the drama in my life that an active A produces. It took me awhile to get to this point. Not all parents make that choice. In my case, it was necessary. Al-Anon helped me make a hard decision when it became apparent to me that I needed to put a boundary in place for me that keeps me out of harm's way. That may not be true in your case. Al-Anon will help you sort out what is healthy for you to do to take good care of yourself and still love your daughter in ways that help her maintain her own dignity, make her own choices and experience the consequences of those choices.
hi leni263 and thanks grateful2be.......I am blessed with 2 daughters who suffer also......and I find that I must not allow the drama in my life either......I let God handle it....I am able to detach with love when their is small doses of contact......but have had to put a boundary on the times when they are over the top with stuff.....I love them a lot....but when love isn't enough, space is good.......I love myself enough to grant myself the space I need to heal from anxiety and faith and love grow while I heal.......thank you
You are not alone here my friend. I have a AS that has been though many seizures and hospital stays because of his choices. He is very very sick. I can't handle it anymore myself so I'm letting go one day at a time. I set my boundaries what I will do and what I will not do. I can't fix him anymore and I can't feel guilty that he is sick. There is help out there for him and he knows it so when he decides he is sick and tired of being sick and tired he might seek help. I'm not his help.
Let go Let God
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
It is more than okay lenii to start going after your own life...you gave the last one up to and for alot of people and the disease of alcoholism. The place that helped me go after and find my own life and still allows me to keep the one I have is the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. See if there is a hotline number for them in the white pages of your local telephone book if you are not already a member. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your town to help each other have a life also. Welcome to MIP...(((((hugs)))))
You go to Al-anon not to talk about your daughter but to talk about you and get support and peace. Leaning the tools needed to let to and let HP take over is important for your sanity. They say you should try 6 meetings and if you don't like it they will gladly refund your misery.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Al-Anon helped me admit that I was having difficulties in other areas of my life, too, and make changes. The As were my ticket to a new way of thinking, feeling and behaving in all facets of my life. Without them, I might not have seen that I needed the help and support of an active recovery program for me. I bristled at the thought that I wasn't just fine and life would be rosy if he and he would stop using. Once I started attending Al-Anon meetings, the way I thought about myself changed as did the way I treated myself - like a pack mule carrying burdens of other people and other people's problems that weighed me down. Al-Anon recovery work helped me let go of the relentless taskmaster that lived within me, criticized me mercilessly, and told me I was responsible for other people no matter how tired, sick, lonely or beaten up I was.
Welcome, glad you came! Sorry about your daughter. Must be harder when it is our children, no matter the age. Al Anon took the confusion away, let me see more clearly and shed some of my own stinkin thinking I had developed in my survival mode. We find an alcohol connection in our families often, and learn Great tools here to use to help us keep safe boundaries for ourselves, learn how to love our A's without getting sucked in. We often learn to be kinder people to our A's over time as well as usually the case is this, the A gets through numbed up from their drug. We, their loved ones most often do not have anything numbing us up. We learn healthier ways to deal with our own feelings and gain self respect back IF that has been compromised. Dwelling is not encouraged here. So, I'd encourage you to visit some on line meetings here then if you aren't sure about face to face meetings yet. It is quite enlightening! Its simply a place for people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking.
We start by admitting we are powerless over someone else's drinking. It sure does sound like you are there. Hope to see you again!
