The material presented
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I told you all about I have 2 daughters...older one treats me great....younger one was mentally abusive to me., oh no she never touched me b/c even tho I am the older "lioness" I could still best her in a confrontation....but the mental/emotional abuse, the rollar coaster rides she had put me on, the "head games" with this passive aggressiveness....doing things to deliberately ruin my holidays or our plans, I told you all about it
and my end result was to break off contact...be nice and sweet when we run into each other, but at a DISTANCE....her older kids even kicked me to the curb when i fell on financial hard times and could not spend $$ on them every time I saw them...they made it clear, I was gramma when i had money...nobody when broke, but the YOUNGEST son, whom I helped come into this world and whom I named shares a bond with me....he loves me "anyway" broke or not...sick or well....little Adrian Alejandro whom I named loves me.....
well yesterday, after a long time of no contact w/her or distance "hi how are you??" and then I am in my house or off to the gym, clearly keeping my distance..
well yesterday she sees me in my yard and Adrian is with her so they come over....She and Adrian...well I was all excited and happy to see my boy but clearly was detached from his mother....I just felt distant....stand offish....this was not deliberate, I just didn't care if I saw her or not.....she hugged me twice and I did not really respond...just kinda stood there but i absolutely was delighted to see Adrian....i grabbed him and turned him upside down, tickled his belly and played our old game of lifting him and playing w/him and he squealed with delight....it was nice to see the baby who will be THREE in May...dunno where the time passed, but yea, it was good seeing him....
daughter #2 has hurt me so badly that I just LET GO and BOY did I let go.....I care, and wish her the best, I do NOT ever want harm to befall this girl, but do I want that chaos and drama and manic/depressive feeling I had being around her and her head games???? NO!! absolutely NOT
I can't change her, so I changed me...I just detached...joined this gym, hang with my friends, do my thing, work, I have just gone on w/my life sans the drama and chaos...I am not manic/depressive anymore....happy one week with her, miserable the next.....I let it go....
I said I won't live with abuse and i have proven it to myself......I feel kinda sad for the girl b/c to chase your mother away is a pretty sorry thing....I just didn't feel any interest being around her.....Like its hard to explain, but I can't help her..I can't drag her to ACOA to work out HER issues re: her A dad....he gets her love..I always got the head games and dissapointments...so i gave them up
I walked away from the abuse and I am happier..calmer...more at peace....my life, and the people in it, if we make plans and suddenly one has to cancel, we COMMUNICATE....and NO head games....no playing w/each others emotions which this girl did routinely to me....she messed w/my emotions and yes,....For a long long time I allowed it....I suffered , confronted her, set boundaries and finally I stuck TO my boundaries and this is where I am at....
yesterday taught me something big.....I CAN make changes in my life...yea, I didn't want it this way....older daughter is in MD so it would have been wonderful to have things to enjoy w/younger one....it didn't happen...it did not work that way...unfair?? hell yes, but that is what it is and I had to search my heart and assess.....is this what I want?? is this healthy for me??? is this conducive to my recovery??? NO to ALL of the above....so the hard decision was made and so be it....
She mentioned how great I look, since joining the gym...I told her I was happy and hoped that she is as well.....I hold NO animosity towards her, I forgave her when I detached....I wish her only the best....but a close relationship is NOT gonna happen w/out her getting into program and helping herself....
I can't do anything about my past, old past or recent past, but I can do a lot about my today's and my tomorrows.....I can wallow in the same ole same ole rounds and rounds of misery or I can lovingly walk away
yes, I was sweet and nice to her...I can't be mean to my own kid, but i was definitely detached...I don't mind short "back and forth" "hi's and how are you's" but making plans w/her??? letting her close to me??? NO....
I have finally put my needs and wants first....I miss that baby , though....I would love to take him to gym to teach him to swim....I mentioned that outloud and D#2 was "agreeable" but I don't expect anything....how many times would i make plans w/the kids and she would pull the rug out from under me at last moment......I had even shown up unannounced to thwart her efforts to thwart me and THAT didn't work
so I put zero expectations on teaching my boy how to swim.....maybe if i see him alone w/dad, I might show up and abscond w/him that way, I don't know...dad works long hours and so it would be hard to catch him.......
oh well....it was as nice as a "distant" visit could be and I am grateful I can look at this girl and feel not ill will, but compassion for she is her own worst enemy.....so sad but STEP ONE...I am powerless.......STEP TWO...Creator is not......STEP THREE...quite a while ago, I gave this over.....What will be will be......its OK with me either way....I have adjusted....I have moved on......I have taken my life and my power back......
Thanks for listening
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
No matter what you say or do it still hurts inside somewhat. It's our kids for goodness sakes. I think what you are doing is the best for what it is right now. But you can still ask your higher power that he might give your daughter a little nudge about being nice to her mother and change her ways a little. At least meet in the middle. Maybe you will hear that amend from her someday....that I'm sorry Mom for all the crap I but you though.... and she will learn to keep promises but until then Let go and have faith that a power greater than us can help her inside. Harden hearts don't make for happy people.
((((( hugs my friend ))))
PS I will ask HP to help also.....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I'm happy that you got to see the little guy for a bit. Lots of prayers for all concerned. I knew a gal once with borderline personality disorder. She'd come close and then she'd get scared and act out in ways sure to put distance between us. There was nothing I could do other than to stay firmly planted in my own body. It hurt for awhile and then it didn't anymore. I still see her from time to time and she's always pleasant as am I. I've just learned to have no expectations of her and like you - keep my boundaries firmly in place. She has grown so much since I met her almost 30 years ago. Yet, I know that although I hold nothing against her - she truly wasn't choosing to be hurtful - I have to take care of my own mental and emotional well-being. Allowing myself to be vulnerable with her will only result in her operating from her fear of intimacy. She was terribly damaged as a child and the fact that she has lived, has a job and some friends with her disorder to me is a miracle. We just aren't matched to be close in this lifetime.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 17th of February 2014 06:19:01 PM
You perfectly described my relationship with my son until I decided on no contact.... I have not seen him in a month now, and will only communicate via text if it's something I deem important.... he lives right behind me.... and I do not go out of my way to avoid him, but he is on a binge and doesn't come outside very often.... I would be kind, he is my son... my son is in there somewhere, but I haven't seen that part of him for a long time....like your daughter he has many issues..... and like your daugter has no problems with his dad, who went off and left him.... (they have had a good relationship for years now)... but I was always the target.....
So finally the understanding came that I had my OWN unresolved issues from my FOO and have been working on that...... today, just for today... no one gets to abuse me in any shape for or fashion... I waste no time in lamenting on how long it took me to get here... I am here now...
So, it may sound harsh to some, but I applaud you and thank you for showing me the way...... I have zero expectations either.... I love him with all my heart, and I would love to see him choose a different life... but no matter, I have to take care of me..... He is God's child, just as I am..... whatever happens.... will happen.... thank you so much for sharing..... you told my story.....
Hi Nesh, your post has given me a lot to think about. Your honesty and acceptance are amazing. The fact that you will not let anyone abuse you and you have stuck to your guns is a bit alien to me. I feel somewhere inside that a clean break for me and my son would do us both good but Im still scared that this would cause further damage, maybe Im still trying to control.
There is a part of me that feels that boundaries can protect me and these belong to me not him, I mean is a total break not fear based also? What I mean is, if your daughter or my son plan something with us and I know how unreliable and sick he is, then I would not expect the plans to go ahead therefore no disappointment. Taking a hurt is my own responsibility, a choice. My son also manipulates and pushes buttons but Its not really about me its about his hurt so taking it personally is my own doing. I could be wrong, in fact I probably am as I don't have a healthy view of my relationship with my son never mind anyone else s relationship with their kids. I feel that the work is ours, our goal is to love and accept without the desire to change and to live in the world as it is and with people as they are. Are you being as kind to yourself as you can be, not seeing your grandson, sounds like its hurting you, and are the reasons you dont see him based on fear? If so, is that really true to your recovery, does your higher power really want this for you? Would it be possible to have your child in your life but have boundaries based on protecting you. So, maybe meeting your daughter in neutral ground so that you can leave if it gets too much, you know build things up slowly, use the tools and slogans. Tell me to mind my own business Nesh, I hope I have not offended you. It is quite possible that this reply is coming from my own denial.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 18th of February 2014 06:15:37 AM
El- cee I hear ya and no there is no common ground when it comes to protecting me. I am done with the abuse. Not seeing Adrian is part of the price I have to pay to keep me safe. No one said boundaries an taking care of my serenity would. Be easy. She will try to turn him against me as she has done the others and I have to accept and let it go as I am truly powerless over this. It came down to allowing her to mess with my head to see the kids. OR to finally put self preservation first. I had to make that tough choice. Yes it hurts not to have Adrian. BUT. If I let her too close she will deny me him anyway. So I lose either way. I am just making the best of a bad situation
Some day the truth will come out. Adrian will discover he has me and kids have a way of seeking the truth. I will never undermine their mother to them but perhaps they will see that I am one worthy of love not abuse. I have to stand to this for her as well
One of her favorite weapons was to hurt me w/the kids...thwarting any plans i made w/them, and even telling them they can't come play on my trampolene that I got for us ALL to enjoy...now it sits as I have chosen other ways for my workout, but that trampolene was for all of us....I found out accidentally that she was telling them they could not come over and play AND this thing with the older ones where if i had no $$ to spend on them, they had no interest in me.....so it is what it is....I will not be used....
It is perhaps the loss of her mom and relationship will cause her to hit bottom and seek recovery. Perhaps this loss for her will be the bottom that she needs to hit in order to face herself. My allowing abuse over and over did 2 things
Kept her in denial how toxic she is. AND it made serenity almost illusory to me
The kindest and most loving thing I could do was walk away, free her to THINK, maybe, and also take care of me...Maybe this is the lesson she needs...who knows....I gave it over....Nobody said standing to correct and necessary boundaries is easy...But it is my self preservation that has to come first.....
as to any "fear"...No, I don't think so...I just chose serenity over chaos....recovery progress over toxicity.....
I am not your sponsor so I can't assess what fears you are talking about , but perhaps this post has touched upon something for you to benefit from...I hope this story has benefited a lot of people
parental abuse is a common thing...It needs to come out of the closet and maybe my coming out of denial, exposing it, facing it, accepting it and taking proper and recovery wise steps to take care of me and help MY inner child feel safe is what I had to do
I felt shame at first..Being a victim of this wretched treatment...I began to ?? myself as a person, mother, etc., but working my program the steps and with my sponsor showed me that the problem is not ME, unless I allow it to continue...Then I go from Victim to volunteer in my own abuse....NOT gonna happen....so heavy step work and sponsor consultation and other victims of this abhorrent treatment showed me #1 i am not alone #2 its my job to take care of me
AND as I said..HOPEFULLY this loss, my walking away, will cause her to see herself and that she needs help...either way....it is out of my hands and let the universe do what its gotta do about this....
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-- Edited by neshema2 on Tuesday 18th of February 2014 09:01:15 AM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks Neshema, you make total sense to me, it is about the right love, the letting go kind, its just such a different way to think that I am struggling with this, I have made the move to let my son go and move out but Im still feeling the fear and diving in with solutions and fixing and comforting and all the rest, all fear based. I have read lots of Mothers who have let their adult child go and have had no contact or little contact and I do feel this is needed but Im not where you are at yet, not totally accepted this situation I am in. I am still holding on to the fantasy that when he has his own place I can build a 'normal' relationship but maybe thats not to be for a while. Maybe I need to let go completely and have space and distance between us if he is to truly believe that he needs to take responsibility for himself and make progress in his own life. There is something mentally wrong with me, Im trying to get to the bottom of it, working a step 4 right now and revelations are coming. I wish I had your clarity, that would keep me strong in my decisions but instead I go back and forth in panic. Im learning but slowly.x
