alnon long termer - seek wisdom - Al-Anon Family Group

hopes314 · Senior Member

alnon long termer - seek wisdom

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not a long timer however what alanon promised me is I can be happy regardless if the drinker is drinking or not. I work hard to focus on me and not what the drinker is or isn't doing. It is very hard at times. I also listen to cds or podcasts of speakers both RA's and Alanon. It reminds me there is hope. It sounds like you are off to a solid go of things. It all takes time.you don't hand money to file .. look into state services legal aide. They may be able to help. As far as the kids .. if I'm ok they are ok. I think mine are older. I have them in counseling and we have a lot of open conversations about addiction. I tell them all the time .. whatever their dad is or isn't doing is not about them. He had issues he needs to deal with .. honestly I do my best not to run him down its hard when he's been out of the picture for 7 months and created many financial issues for me. The kids see and they know .. I try not to add to their pain. I'm grateful for the counseling .. it makes a huge difference. My daughter is able to end visitation if his behavior is out of control. I didn't get here overnight .. I'm not going to heal overnight. As far as the drinker getting sober .. it's up to the A and his HP .. I'm not it. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior when i change those around me have to .. i an powerless over their journey. Hugs s :)

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi hopes, thats a lot of questions, im not sure where to start. I think you are showing committment to your recovery so your on your way.its going to take time though, I know that feeling of wanting it all fixed and sorted right now. It didnt work that way for me. I left my ah before I got alanon so my situation was different but the family disease remained. I suggest that you get some quiet time in the midst of your hard work, just time to sit and be quiet, maybe meditate, connect with your higher power. You are doing great, setting boundaries, studying the program, all good stuff for your soul, I got some peace when I focused on forgiveness and compassion for the drinker. Keep working it, its an amazing journey.x

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Hope~

Good Sunday morning, so glad you are sharing and please attend the meeting here at 10 a.m. EST:)

When you wrote: Alnon does promise that we can be happy with the drinker??

Al-Anon says: We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We too, were lonely & frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless & THAT IT IS POSSIBLE FOR US TO FIND CONTENTMENT & EVEN HAPPINESS, WHETHER THE ALCOHOLIC IS STILL DRINKING OR NOT. This is part of the Al-Anon Opening to each meeting & truly was a life saver to me many years ago:) it tells me I CAN BE HAPPY & CREATE A GOOD LIFE FOR ME REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE ALCOHOLIC IS DOING:)

I was told by my sponsor, get out of him & into you....I did that, I took the focus off him and focused on myself & my recovery... that is all we are truly responsible for!

Big Hugs & Prayers to you!!

Keep Coming Back, It Works If You Work It & YOU ARE WORTH IT!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You are wise in doing all that you are doing and yes, marriage is difficult with or without active addictions. Even though my spouse and I continue with our recovery programs, I still find that I entertain those obsessive thoughts of "should I leave"?. The difference now is when I get in those places, I keep my life as simple as possible and do good self care / self nurturing. I know this is hard when you have 3 children (I raised 4) but it is doable. When I reviewed how many hours I spent ruminating over my husbands actions, defects, etc, I really had the time to care for me.

If al anon promises that you can be happy with a drinker, I must have missed it, I could not. After being in al anon for a few years and seeing an addiction counselor, I became strong enough to acknowledge I had wants and desires that did not include living with my AH. I wanted more and I could not do what I saw so many other people do and that was live with an active addict/alcoholic. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me or I was not getting the program. Eventuallly I separated without any expectations of reconciliation...there were no ultimatums. I blessed and released.

Keep working your program, take baby steps, keep the focus on you and your children and be open to the "whats next".....you will be fine. Take good care.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

It's good that you seek as many facts as possible to make the best decision for yourself.

Alcoholism is a very powerful, baffling, and cunning disease that can only be arrested by abstinence. It is a progressive disease that results in insanity and death. A 12 step program is used for rebalancing the distorted thought process that is part of the disease process. It's much too much for most of us to handle alone. It affects everyone in contact and this is why Alanon can be helpful in giving the support and tools needed to cope. With working the 12 steps of Alanon, things improve either with or without the A. Alanon asks that you give it a try for 6 months and guarantees that if you aren't satisfied, you can leave and return to the previous misery. It is usually suggested that newcomers give the program a good chance before making any major decisions. I can tell you that I came to Alanon and left because I didn't think it was for me... only to return a few years later because it is the only place that I could really get help. My life is improving- it's a process- I was told not to leave before the miracle happened. I'm glad I'm here! This program does work!

Ultimatums, "pushes", begging, pleading and the like rarely work- the person has to make the decision from within that they want help. The disease is that powerful that it overtakes the normal thought processes- it is not personal that he doesn't seek help - he is in the grips of the disease.

Learn all you can about the disease, read, come to meetings, use the search function on the MIP board. I have found that the most efficient way to work this program is with a sponsor. It sounds like you have some good awareness already, keep doing the next right thing.

In support.

hopes314 · Senior Member

I have so many fears. I have no family and I am just making friends. I am not used to counting on anyone even friends.
If I can't count on my family who want to look the other way, how can I count on a friend. Even building friendship take a long time. Even getting a good babysitter takes a long time.

My gut instinct a say get out but he has a great job and I don't have a job.

What to do especially when he wants to work it out.

BUT
Knowing what I know I can be smart!!!!
I will put cash money in my own safety deposit box. I have been doing this since March.
Put extra money in the mortgage.
Put twice as much away in 401k less to spend
Get the kids in therapy forever.
Get a post office box.
Get my own banking account.

If my kids were older if if if slife of ifs
Hope

OT71 · Member

Take it one day at a, time.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

It has always been helpful for me to practice and express gratitude....gratitude for those that have taken the time to respond to me in a loving and kind way whether it be on this forum, my sponsor, friends, gratitude that I am not living in a shelter or on the streets, gratitude that I have a way to communicate online, etc. Feeling gratitude and not minimizing my situation/ experiences is tricky, though. Al anon helps us to expand ourselves to have a big enough container to hold it all.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

That is the other gift alanon gave me .. perception of me and my own situation has changed .. 3 years ago .. I was a total victim look what he's doing to the family. Now it's I was victimized and so were the kids .. however I'm not helpless and I do have choices. I also reserve the right to change my mind. I used to think once I made a decision I HAD to stay with it .. my mind was not flexible at all. So opening my mind to new possibilities is huge! Having a plan is a good thing .. knowing it can change as I get new information .. priceless. Hugs ;)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know what you think a bottom is. But some never get there, some get there and live there till they die. It's no magical benchmark.

No one can protect their kids from the affects of living with an A. Kids actually can most times see thru more things than we as adults do. what you can do, by your actions, show them what a person with integrity and love can do when they live with an active A.

they can see their dad sick and doing things they know are wrong or make them uncomfortable. they can see you going on with your life, being positive, reading, laughing, not engaging in the diseases pulls.

It was so neat seeing your list of goals. good for you!! (c:

don't forget ONE day at a time. do what you can and what you have to then relax, enjoy the kids, make plans, play boardgames, make good food whatever. doing ONE day really saved me not to worry about anything.

I still live like that and honestly hardly ever worry or have anxiety.

hugs! debilyn

jillybean1 · Senior Member

My kids (especially the teenager) can see that their Dad is out of control. He sat them down to tell them that he has a drinking problem....to which our daughter replied (typical teenager response)----"Duh? Do ya think?!!!" and then followed up with the fact that she has a cell phone and if he keeps things up ......she would call the police and have him kicked out of the house.

Wake up call for me.....I wanted to hold our family together so much that I focused on him and getting him better.......so now I have to keep reminding myself to think of the kids and protecting them because even if AH gets well one day, if I don't work on the kids now....I will be reliving this again in a few short years with THEM.

I got really bad guilt feelings telling AH not to come home............ I can't imagine having to kick one of my kids out of the house if they should develop an addiction.

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