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I've had some HUGE clarity in the past 24 hours things I have been really struggling with just kind of fell away and I am extremely grateful for this new level of healing or whatever it is .. I like it!
I had a little slip yesterday out of the blue I looked at the tramps divorce status .. I don't know why I did .. I did .. and I kicked myself. My intuition is really on key at the moment and the God of my understanding is opening my mind in new ways that I am grateful for .. it is really kind of scary actually how on point I am. Anyway, she is almost divorced and yesterday they had the "big meeting" in terms of with the judge and the divorce is going through there are issues of marital property. This is of course did make me spin because all of a sudden MINE wants to get our divorce done in a hurry .. although I think this is ALL coincidence .. it is totally weird after all these months NOW I look. I did it to myself so I have to own that .. so mental vomit on me .. UGH!
Anyway, here is the amazing thing .. guess what .. I had a great day in spite of myself .. LOL.
The gal I work with who is just amazing .. I love that word .. there is a inside joke behind it .. anyway, she text me and turns out she had the flu and so did one of her kids. So I picked up some extra hours yesterday AND I got to see how competent I really am .. again .. I beat myself up like no other .. I feel l like the Mike Tyson of mental throw downs and I have done some numbers .. again .. on myself. I come into work and there on my desk and hers as well is a single rose from one of the guys he does this for the ladies in the office. It was sooo sweet and a wonderful way to start my day. I opened which I have never done alone and I spent the day doing my thing. I teased, worked and just had a blast with everyone in the office. They are really great there. It was fairly quiet in terms of traffic .. I love the fact that they visit in and out of the front office it wasn't like that before .. people were scared to come in there .. lol. I'm getting them trained better.
My boss was in there and he's the big wig of the company .. I got to fun with him too. He was really nice and came out to tell me specifically what a great job I was doing and how well I was handling it all. I had the phones, customers coming in and out, the drivers, then there are the additional requests .. seriously speaking a few years ago this would have been a travesty and I wouldn't have been able to handle it. It just wasn't that big of a deal .. it was steady, the day really flew, .. it was ok though .. it was a pace I could handle. It made me feel soooo GOOD to know that I was able to deal with things and not be on melt down mode so right there is huge growth for me. I was able to hold all of my questions to the end of the day .. whatever needs to be done can be fixed Monday and I got most of it all done .. not everything .. most of it. I don't know how to do some of it. The idea that I could do about 85% or more is pretty huge.
The kids and I had some time together and I headed out to my meeting and I had some moments of clarity. I have received another offer from his atty and I haven't reviewed it all. I need to go over it. He is asking for more to drop the alimony and that scares me .. I'm not sure why .. even just typing it out makes my heart race. It's a HUGE amount of money for me. I think I'm going to add some stipulations on to if I drop it what he needs to then pay for .. the question becomes WILL he pay for things? The reality is probably not he is doing everything he can NOT to have to pay. I need some solid figures and then what his yearly is and why I'm paying 73% for the kids upbringing when he's not even paying 50%. I also realize .. I am on a thin gray line at the moment and I need to be careful NOT to push to hard or my stbax is going to look like a martyr and I don't want that either .. UGH. Sooo .. my meeting with this atty I need some facts, .. I need some things in terms of how to negotiate these terms and still come out on top of them.
Financially seriously speaking I'm surviving .. not much more .. I'm def going to have to move .. moving won't do me any good if I can't afford a place TO live. I have to rethink my relationship with money .. I don't have one .. LOL .. it's like my relationships with others .. needs work. So this is a character defect I'm looking at and I woke up at 330am with a start and I know it was God talking to me .. so I'm taking some actions today to help me figure out the next right thing to do. I have been blessed and God does watch after us .. however .. I totally need to do my part. I'm very grateful for the job I currently have and I am going to start that book I've been poking at in terms of writing. I def want to do something new and different.
This weekend the kids see their dad for a few hours on Sunday. I don't know how they feel about it, .. they have anxiety I know and they want to see him .. I swear I'm going to be throwing mental knives if he hurts them any further .. I know he will .. just can it just not be tomorrow. I really don't want to hear about it either .. so that part will be hard too. Working on that .. it will come just not yet.
Ohhh this weekend .. this time last year .. well next week actually I was back to driving the STBAX around because he broke his hand and his face. So this year .. it's very different. I'm ok with that and I'm very glad NOT to have contact with him. It is a protection thing and every porcupine quill on me is out .. I want him to stay at a distance and if I choose to allow him into any part of my life I will .. right now NO. I'm waiting for the next crisis though .. only because it is that time of year and he's pretty predictable. It's also our wedding anniversary .. so we'll see if he notices it.
Anyway, that's what is on my plate .. and I'm doing the best that I can .. I'm just going to keep going on.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Love the sounds of your experience at your workplace and glad you got some additional hours at work, too.
I can certainly understand your need to have some facts before you agree to anything in relationship to your x. My experience with my x was that he ignored the court orders until his wages were garnished by the State and then he moved to another State where he was able to hide his wages. He died owing my kids a lot of money. Our HPs provided for us and doors continued to open for me that increased what I made to the point it didn't matter if the x paid or not. I credit my HP with providing for us in ways I never dreamed possible. I still needed to do the legwork as you are doing, but my earning potential continued to grow, doors opened to other provisions like being offered a beautiful house to rent that was in a good neighborhood for at least $400 less a month than market. As I read what you write, I get excited for you, Serenity. I see the hand of your HP at work in your life and in the life of your children.
Many prayers for your children this weekend and you, too. (((S)))
Sounds like you are doing well and that maybe this divorce could be finally coming to an end and that is great news! Sending you love and support through it all!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
thankfully the way the laws are now it's pretty locked in and I know he wouldn't see the kids if it meant he owed money. I may rethink a few things about no alimony I have stipulations .. I'm going to discuss it with my arty on Wednesday as well as facts, statistics and numbers. I'm not happy with them at the moment. What else is new right? Lol. The kids are with their dad I have anxiety right now .. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm more scared they are going to see one visit as everything is ok. My shields are up. I am trying to let go of the controlling I want to do. It is hard! The one thing that saves me is knowing my daughter knows when to call and she can. He's addressed nothing about being gone for 7 months. Hugs s :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It just wasn't that big of a deal .. it was steady, the day really flew, .. it was ok though .. it was a pace I could handle. It made me feel soooo GOOD to know that I was able to deal with things and not be on melt down mode so right there is huge growth for me. I was able to hold all of my questions to the end of the day .. whatever needs to be done can be fixed Monday and I got most of it all done .. not everything .. most of it. I don't know how to do some of it. The idea that I could do about 85% or more is pretty huge.