The material presented
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The lights have been flickering with the relationship I have and had with my Dad. He was Diagnosed bi-polar later in life I have tried to place all of the things in the past in a place of understanding. The kind where I realize I was a product of my raising. There is a wonderful outcome of knowing I can un learn all the negative coping tools I have brought with me into adulthood. Tonight I was trying to have a conversation with my Dad. He began to accuse me of playing mind games and my heart sank in utter disappointment and I took a deep breath because I could feel the hurt turning into anger and tried to walk away. He came after me continuing to angrily mutter incoherently and I said I need to walk away I am tired and have had a long day. He got even more angry and continued to utter horrible things. I wrestled my kids together and for the first time in my whole life my mother stood up for me and helped me to get out the door quickly with my children. However, I also remember after he had his tantrums (he was physically abusive to us kids but apparently it was ok because he never laid a hand on my mom) my mom would come to us kids and tell us she was sorry and that she was going to take us kids away from him so he couldn't hurt us again. That never happened. I tried to reach out as a teenager and he always denied (like I was silly enough to hope that he would admit it) I know where I learned to believe certain behavior was acceptable even though something about it felt wrong. I am grateful to be able to see the light. I want better for me and my kids. I want to go back and hold that little girl curled up in the corner crying not understanding how the man who was supposed to love her so much could make her feel like something was wrong with her she could never do anything right. I pray for the courage to change the things I can, accept the things I can not change and the wisdom to know the difference
I'm sorry, Mari. It is so heartbreaking to be a child of a person with mental illness. I don't know if my Mom had a mental illness, but she behaved in some of the ways you describe as she got older, too. I, too, thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn't seem to get anything right either as a young person once I reached the age of 11 or 12. The positive side to that was becoming a person myself who trained herself to see the good in all people and to be a champion of the underdog. How good that you can now put distance between how your Dad thinks and behaves and your own self concept. I'm glad you had the strength and the courage to bundle up your children and to walk away from what only hurts you and doesn't honor you. I'm also glad your Mom stood up for you, too, and helped you and the children leave the presence of a sick man who can't leave his own thoughts or his illness. Lots of hugs and understanding being sent via cyberspace from me to you.
Mari your picture shows such a calm and serene scene. I wish that the same peace can come to you and your family. I am also in kid protection mode. Best wishes. Jill
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
Thank you so much for being here & sharing! My heart goes out to you in two ways...One for the pain & sadness that this caused you but the second one for you having the courage to take you & your children out of this situation!! I am sooo very proud of you for doing what you CAN CHANGE! We no longer have to live with unacceptable behavior and you see that! Your dads disease IS NOT A REFLECTION OF YOU!! Whether its alcoholism or Bi-Polar disease, it is the disease talking...this is not about (((YOU))) you are learning here in Al-Anon to take care of you and for that you should be very proud of YOU! Your mom is stuck where she is at...she will take this behavior for as long as it takes for her to reach her own bottom with it & him...that may or may not happen, but you are an amazing example to your children & your mother by showing them all, what the right thing to do is in a situation that becomes abusive & unacceptable:) The 3 C's apply to this to Mari You didn't cause it, you can't control it & you can't cure it..... BUT you surely CAN DETACH FROM IT:) Feel your feelings, let the tears come from your inner child & from the beautiful adult woman that you are but don't let it consume you....Keep Coming Back Mari, the BEST is yet to come!
Hugs .. Mari, I second what Mimi has shared about you having the courage to change the things you can. I think when there is so much abuse mental, verbal and physical especially with a parent .. I forget that I'm actually an adult with my own thoughts and feelings and I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. In counseling I have discovered that I revert back to the fact that when I'm with my mom I immediately go back to the 15 year old fiercely trying to defend myself against my s/dad and her lack of behavior. Forgiving her for not protecting me ... I think it's more about forgiving myself for not being able to protect myself and why wasn't I lovable enough .. one of the reasons I stayed with my stbax for so long .. if only he would love me then maybe there really wasn't anything wrong with me ... I really was lovable. Look at that me seeking approval and love from someone who doesn't love or approve of themselves.
Please know you are not alone and you can give to yourself what you didn't get from your parents. You are already giving that to your kids.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you all for your kind words. It's difficult to watch the cycle of abuse. My mom called this morning and when she saw that my dad was on his way in the house stopped dead in the middle of the conversation and said she had to go I hung up. She then showed up with a basket of laundry and cuddled the little one and I could tell she had been crying but now believes I am using the children to win some kind of battle. She left because she said she had to go ensure to keep the peace so my daughter could get the battery for a science fair project. I have nothing to say. They yell and scream at each other and have found me to be the cause of it. I'm not a chair. Nor to I plan to get bread from the hardware store. It is nice to have somewhere to vent. Does anyone know where I can get some alanon magic fairy dust?
Thank you for sharing this... it is validation for me that I am also learning to not accept any kind of abuse from anyone..... and how awesome mom acutallly stepped up and helped you get the kids out of there.... what courage you showed.... and no, no matter the situation, we do not have to be treated less than ever again...prayers for you and your kids.... you did awesome...
Golly! Did we grow up in the same family, Mari? Isn't it good to know that we are not responsible for other people's thoughts, feelings and behaviors? As kids we didn't know that, but as adults we do. I supposedly was also the cause of my family's upsets and their arguments. I believed it until I didn't. I stood for myself and that, too, supposedly caused a recent upset with my siblings. Too bad. I used to feel hurt and sad and devastated and sorry. Then, one day I felt angry. I felt angry about being the scapegoat for my family's dysfunctional ways of being and I felt angry because I'd reached my limit of tolerance and understanding for their inappropriate and demeaning behaviors towards me. I turned away from them in my mind and heart and nurtured the person I know is not who they say or believe me to be. That's their issue. My issue is to continue to encourage and compliment myself for surviving the batterings and to thrive by doing exactly what you've stated here - to go to the bakery for bread and not the hardware store. I don't have any fairy dust to offer you, but I do have empathy for you and lots and lots of hugs. I'm sorry they are both so ill. I'm happy you want a different life for you and for your children.
The Al-Anon slogan that comes to mind for me is: I am not the cause or cure for somebody else's thoughts, feelings, behaviors or illnesses and I can't control any of their thought's feelings, behaviors or illnesses. I can tend to myself and love myself in ways that are gentle and nurturing and relinquish any desire to change what can't be changed, fix what can't be fixed, control what can't be controlled or cure what has no cure.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 15th of February 2014 10:13:23 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 15th of February 2014 10:15:44 AM
Mari, .. I hope you can learn to detach from your parents .. they are not a reflection of you and you are not helpless anymore. As a child we are helpless against the whims of the adults in our lives until we learn that we don't have to be .. usually it's closer to being an adult. My therapist says we spend most of our adulthood trying to come to terms with our childhood .. those who have had a healthier background transition easier to adulthood those who haven't struggle more.
There is NOTHING wrong with you .. it is easier to blame you than accept responsibility for non action. My mom told me a couple of years ago I deserved what I was getting from my STBAX .. I was hurt, stunned and boy did I get angry .. NO .. I don't deserve bad treatment .. I may have my own issues HELLOOO .. why wouldn't I .. no one deserves unacceptable behavior. Yes, I happen to be human and not perfect WOW .. what a shock .. lol. Again I may have my issues I'm trying to do better and that's the best I can do .. now when my mom starts I will say you might be right about that mom .. you know what .. that was in the past and we are talking about TODAY! Part of her blaming me is her stuff .. it really has nothing to do with me .. she's uncomfortable because I'm making different choices.
You hang tight my friend .. the magic fairy dust is what can be found at a f2f alanon meeting .. I can always go and feel better .. and I have choices, hope and I CAN do differently.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
If you close your eyes and feel the breeze on your skin I hope that you will know that it is the feeling of sparkling fairy dust being sent your way from the snow capped mountains here in Italy!
A couple of years ago I learnt about some skeletons in my parents closets that I lived through but did not have any recall of. It felt kind of strange to me to have my childhood redefined then someone said to me, very firmly, 'that was their lives'. I love the way that you are standing separately and protecting your own ground.
I am so very sorry that this childhood pain is continuing. Remember the real" Alanon Fairy Dust" is remembering that we are powerless over ohters and that we MUST focus on ourselves, pray, trust HP and never go to the hardare store for bread. I see youusing all your tools and it is working HP never pormised me that it would be easy just that I would be able to ahndle it wath courage, serenity and wisdom I see youdoin gjust that.
Keep on keeoing on, You will brak through to the light t
