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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Not sure how to behave....
Post Info TOPIC: Not sure how to behave....
Summersun


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Not sure how to behave....
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So happy valentines! My AH and I were supposed to enjoy dinner tonight at home with a movie. I made a dessert he loves etc etc. I knew he may be working late. But now he is really late home and isn't answering his phone. Nice! Anyway I only called him twice and won't try again. And have started dinner myself. Frankly I'm starving and this delicious meal shouldn't go to waste! The problem I have is when he gets home. I just won't know how to be. He'll either be really apologetic and all I'm not deserving of you maybe we shouldn't be together or something like that depending on just how drunk he is or he'll just act like it's fine that he's late he'll apologise but will want to carry on with the evening as planned. What do I do!? I can't leave the house as I have a child sleeping and also I live somewhere tiny so it's not like there is much space to escape. Ok so in the midst of typing this he just called me to say he's on his way home and that he got way laid because he went to a bar. Just to give some background he was in rehab 12 years ago and was sober for about 18 months and since then has drank intermittently. He doesn't get crazy drunk or anything like that and is a responsible person at work and with his child however he is still an alcoholic who says he will get help and doesn't and I feel like hell about it. Anyway so to add to the drama he has chronic back pain due to an old injury. It really is bad at the moment and sometimes he has trouble even walking. So he is staying in his office tonight cos he can't get home. This is partly true but obviously I know he will get a 6 pack and drink there. He asked if I minded and I just told him to do what he needed to do. I know to not ask him to come home, what would be the point but it was hard to not sound annoyed on the phone but it's not like I wanted to sound happy about it. I just tried to sound neutral. Also he is just about to launch a new company. And the stress he is under is immense in fact I work in the same field as him and it's a given that what he's doing is incredibly stressful. And so he has the perfect reason to tell himself he can drink. So tomorrow he will be home and apologetic but if I mention the drinking and that I think he needs help he will just say he can't handle it right now because of his work (also he launches the company in maybe 2 months and after that things will be much easier going for him, this isn't him spinning me a tale as I said I work in the same industry as him so I'm very aware of the pressures and the timings). So it feels pointless to tell him how I feel about him seeking help but then if I don't I have to be all bright and happy otherwise it's like I'm punishing him which I don't want to be a part of as his drinking should be his issue not mine. It's my fathers birthday this weekend and I wasn't going to go away for various reasons unrelated to this situation but now I wonder if I should? Is that just super passive aggressive to run away? Sorry for the rant. Feeling confused and let down frankly. Thank you for reading

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Jerry F


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Would be nice to have a sponsor come over for dinner and enjoy a movie...Last person I wanted to be with when I was being ditched by my alcoholic/addict spouse was myself.  Try the board chat room meeting and have a good meal.    ((((hugs)))) smile



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Debilyn


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In al anon we learn to focus on us. I ask you, "what do you want?" what makes you believe you have to decide how to behave?  He is an adult, he was terribly rude.Maybe time for some boundaries as far as how you want to live?

His behavior is his own, you do not have to change for him, or have to choose how to act.If you use alanon skills, detaching is great. Love him, his sickness is none of our business. If we choose to live with an A, they usually are not very nice people when they are drinking or doing other drugs.

I invite you to get over here off the eggshells. 

love,debilyn

 

 



-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 14th of February 2014 09:46:17 PM

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Summersun


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Thanks so much for the replies. I'm not really sure how to practice detachment but still love him. Will try and work it out!

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milkwood


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Summersun,

Detaching with love was a tough one for me to get my head around as well. I think the first breakthrough that I had was when I realised that I was responsible for my self esteem and that at the moment how I felt about myself was much more important than anything else. I could not change AH's behaviour or expect to be able to reason with him at all. It felt as if he was pushing my boundaries as far as he could go and I thought that if I stayed strong and behaved like a flexible birch tree and just bent with the flow we would do alright. Well my branches ended up touching the ground!!! And I was not alright! These days I try to make my own choices based on how my self esteem feels about any given situation. I don't need to justify myself and I don't need to point anything out to AH - he knows enough himself. Good for you in settling down to enjoy your lovely meal yourself. If you would like to go to your father's for his birthday, why not? Do it for you if that is what you would like to be doing. How would you be feeling if you didn't? I found that when I can make the choices for myself I feel much better and that helps both of us. Sending ((((hugs)))) and smiles for a better day today.

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KennyFenderjazz


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It would only be passive aggressive if you don't communicate about it. If you just call him and telling you are going, and he asked why, just simply tell him why. If he tries to suck you into an argument about it, refuse. Nicely.

And if it then becomes part of a proactive boundary setting program even better. You can learn more about all these if you go to AlAnon meetings. You can get the support you need th were. And it will help clear your head so you can make the right decisions FOR YOU. And your child.

Sorry he's in such a stressful time. But do you really believe he will drink less once on the other side of the startup? You are already noticing that he really wanted to drink more than be home last night. Alcoholism is progressive.

Peace
Kenny

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Summersun


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Thanks everyone this is really helpful. Milkwood the stuff you said about self esteem really makes sense and is incredibly helpful. Thank you! I spent the day with a friend and my baby today. No sitting at home while he nursed a hangover feeling sorry for himself. I came home this evening feeling much more positive not because the problem is not there but because I had spent the day enjoying myself instead of witnessing my AHs hangover. Something for me!

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KennyFenderjazz


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Great. Keep it up and keep coming back!!

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NavySealWife


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I know how you feel, I just started slowly to understand that he wants me to repeat the patterns when he lies to me and tells me that he is on his way or he will be back. For instance right now, he told me that he was going to give he so call drinking buddy a ride to the store and he was going to take my car, knowing that he had to come back right away and it has been an hour already and he has not return with my only car I have to get to work and back, he has his work truck that he could of use, but again another lie and excuse of a alcoholic!, Im learning to not wait on him for nothing anymore, and just go and do thing on my own. Im very happy to found al anon group or I would be a big mess right now, I also started to see a therapist at again, and with corrects meds for me, Im doing ok right now, but its great to have forums like this to help us understand that we need to take care of us and not the AH!
(hugs)

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