The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night, I was at work and knew that I had some things to do before I went to my therapy with my therapist at 7pm. I was talking to my one of my four doctors I work for, and have grown to be very close to him and see hime as a father figure. I have told him the struggles Im having to deal and cope with my husband alcoholism and my own issue of depression and family problems. He listen to me and understand me and told me to take of care of me! So, as the last patient left I head to the pharmacy to pick up my medication he had prescribed to me to help me with the anxiety and panic attacks Im having. Every time I m ready to get off work I always call my husband to let him know that Im on my way home. WEll, that all stop two weeks ago when he relapse really hard jan 30,31 again febauray 7,8,9,10,12 came home 13, and not home last night when I get home from my therapy session. When I got home at 9pm from my therapy session I notice he was home, he change cloths and never called or left a message.
My gut feeling inside tells me to just live my life with out him no matter if we are a married couple, he dont help me out anymore like he use to with house chores and with bills, any little money he makes he spends it on drinking. I'm having presure from my parients by telling me why do I need him in my life if he is not helping me with any finicail responsiblity, and its all a big plate full for me to deal with ontop of my own depression. The day my AH came home feb 12 he told me he loves me very much, and he was sorry to make me suffer and hates to see me cry, but he told me that he cannot promise me if he ill continue to drink, he stated to me that for some reason he just doesnt understand why he cannot control it this time around. He told he dont want to hear about AA meetings. So I knew right there in then that he is not going to stop! Another excuse, as the same pattern he has done to his mother when he was 12 years not coming home for two days and coming come on sunday when he mom will be at home, and go to his room to avoid to be lecture by his mother and then monday go to school. The pattern reaping its self again as a adult!
This morning I send him a text to wish him a Happy Valentines Day to him knowing that I will be alone and he ask me : can I come come? my response was only if you are sober! "he response was I promise and I lfet it as that... did I do wrong for saying that? Am I saying to him its ok for you to come home anytime unleass you are sober, to get showered have clearn close and sleep and do it all over again for days at a time?
I knew in my heart for a long time that I needed to leave my A (now ex)...but I hid from that truth for a long time...it seemed so scary to be on my own with two kids and one income...all the household repairs and upkeep and working fulltime...
it wasn't easy, and still isn't, but my life is much more predictable without him in it on a daily basis...but even with him out of my life...I still had tons of self-work to do...which I'm still working on...
I wanted to make sure I had really tried everything before I gave up on our marriage...and I know I did...and the ALanon tools helped me stay sane...both with him, and without him.
Are you going to Al Anon? If you start getting dedicated to that, you can get your head clear and free from the insanity. Then you can make good decisions about your boundaries. My BIL goes walkabout from time to time. Our family finally has said just let him do what he does, he will do it anyway.
I think you are coming to your own opinions, if you reread what you just wrote as if somebody just wrote it about their husband, you might come to understand what your opinions really are.
I became really obsessed with where my spouse was, who my spouse was with, was my spouse lying, etc., etc., etc. With help from alanon I have learned to put myself first much of the time. I no longer even inquire about my spouse's schedule. I never could believe what I was told, so why bother. And not caring whether my spouse is home or not I think is a result from all the pain, disappointment, hurt, and lies. It's just easier and simple to just do what I need to do. I have learned I cannot control anyone else. It doesn't matter what I say to my A. It matters a great deal what I say to ME! Lyne
((((NSW))))....I suggest you look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area if you haven't already and go make contact. The program really did help me learn that I wasn't alone as I thought and that there were so many others like myself who I could sit with and have fun and laugh with while the opportunity to live in crises and chaos tried to pull me over. I was never good at trying to fix or raise an alcoholic. It barely left me with enough energy for myself and often none. Self focus. In support (((((hugs)))))
Great ES&H from the others here. My heart goes out to you and best wishes for you. As mentioned, only you can make the decision. A few things to consider. A's pay attention to what we do, not what we say. We pay attention to what the A's do and not what they say. So, we can cry, make threats, state boundaries...and not keep them etc. The A's Notice!
I use to pray and Wish for God to send me a fax, "Just tell me what to do and I'll Do It!!!"....of course, it never came.
Find local support, get a sponsor and get phone numbers of other members for when you are struggling and need support. Work on you. Make a list of pros and cons. Of staying in it, or not. Make a list of choices, separation if boundaries x, y or z are crossed. A's often demand more time and energy of their mates than the small children do. Here is where you learn to break that cycle, or make healthy decisions to break it. A's emotional maturity is stunted, stuck at the age they were when they first abused. Here you learn to detach from that. What is enabling and what is not.
While there may be "more" on your shoulders Should you decide to separate (you must be sure you want this and not for anyone else)...you will be surprised to find how much smoother things are. The predictability is a treasure. The peace too. Seperations do not have to be forever. Above all else, you Must continue to work on you and involve your children in AlAkid. Grow! You are vulnerable at this time and chances too great you will walk into a similar situation. To this, you have to grow and change on the inside out so as to not attract the same personality.
Jerry I have gone to my first meeting few weeks ago, and i loved it! On top of it Im seeing my therapist again after many years and being on here and doing online meetings and reading many books, Im realizing to take care of me.
Lyne I was doing the same thing with my spouse, now Im learning to not care and care for myself and the things that I need to do, and not worry if he is ok, or coming home, etc. I have severe depression and many family problems on top of his disease... I cannot continue to let myself involve myself with his disease. He is a grown man, he is responsible for his choices, and if those choices are not good and puts him in a bad situation then he needs to pay for them. Im not going to bail him out like I use to and enable him every time he gets himself in trouble, Im not his mother! His mother use to do that to him and bail him out every time he messed up and now she no longer lives so he has no one but me and I will not bail or give into his actions anymore. Im grateful from this support group and slowly learning to surrender and do for me!
DearNavy seal wife,
Your feelings are normal and you have choices. I've heard at Al-Anon meetings if you state "You can come home if you are sober" it's necessary to back up your words with actions. Unless you do, he will never believe you and the sick merry-go-round will start all over again.
