The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For some reason, I've never received a valentines day gift, or card, or notice in the paper (I ALWAYS wanted one of those lol) and it's always made me just a little sad. Some silly teenage romantic notion that I have kept with me, I guess. Intellectually, I know it's silly, but emotionally, I have always secretly hoped to find flowers from a secret admirer on the doorstep or some other claptrap like that...lol
I've always bought extravagant gifts and written sucky lovey cards to my partners, who have invariably looked at me sideways, muttered "thanks" and tossed them in the corner. One year I had a dozen red roses delivered to my (now ex) husband at his construction site (but that was just for laughs lol). Why buy gifts and cards for guys who clearly are absolutely NOT into anything romantic? To try to inspire them to do the same for me, I guess. Utterly pointless and ineffective manipulation, but we learn as we go, eh?
So this year I decided to be a big girl and just get over it.
ABF started the day with a mega-dose of nasty and his daily declaration that he is leaving me, and then went to work. I didn't give this too much thought and in the afternoon I set off on my epic journey to take my daughter to her dads and on the way observed a zillion couples holding hands, carrying flowers and for once it really didn't make me sad. I just thought, well that's nice for them, but the reality of my current situation really doesn't allow room for such things so why bother being sad about it? ABF has never acknowleged valentines day in the 8 years we have been together so he's not gonna start now and why on earth would I want to fake it anyway? What kind of crazy denial would THAT be?
I arrived home at 12:30am. ABF said "Well I didn't get myself anything to eat on the way home from work because I thought you might have made a special valentines day dinner for us. But you weren't here when I got home and I realised you were going to be home late so I had to just heat myself up something".
So the first part of my best gift ever was the great giggle I had about this once I was alone. In what universe would I have made us a "special valentines day dinner"??? But the important part was realising that I hadn't felt the urge to try to force my very, very sub-standard relationship to fit with a romantic fantasy this year. Which is sort of the whole point, isn't it? Not trying to turn reality into a fairy-tale?
Maybe it sounds silly but I felt good about not craving the fantasy today.
I was thinking, on my train-ride home, we often say that the A's in our lives get stuck at the emotional age they were when they took up their addiction. I wonder, is it the same for me? Have I been stuck at the emotional age I was when I started making my relationships the center of my universe? Stuck chasing a teenage romantic fantasy? Because by midnight in the city, there were a lot of girls walking (OK, stumbling) around in tiny dresses and high heels and for once, I didn't feel resentful (I could look like that if I had a reason to go out/money for nice clothes/a life that didn't make me feel tired and old...these would be my usual thoughts...) and instead I just felt good in my own skin and glad that my stiletto days are over because really, OUCH!!!
I feel so much more content with me. Best gift ever.
And I started writing this BEFORE John posted his gorgeous Valentines Day message, I wasn't trying to be teachers pet...lol!!
I had to smile when I read your honest share. There was a time in my life when I entertained the romantic notion of a man I cared about who cared about me running to greet me at an airport (similar to a commercial I saw back then.) Although I knew it was probably a fantasy, I still turned it over into the hands of my HP. Fast forward a few years of program progress post divorce, I was dating a man in my hometown who transferred to Las Vegas to work on some big construction project there and to stay with his family until the project was finished. He wanted me to fly in for Mother's Day weekend and stay in the guest room at his parents' home. I flew in at night. I could see spectacular lights as the plane prepared for landing. We taxied in. I de-boarded and walked through the chute and into the main airport. I saw a man running as fast as he could with flowers in his hands towards me. When he reached me, he picked me up and hugged me hard. We left the airport and sailed through the star-filled night in his purple Gremlin to his parents' home where he introduced me as "his girl" as if I were the only woman in the world to him.
Maybe your fantasy won't be fulfilled with this person, but after we turn ourselves into the hands of our own HP, who knows how Love will come to us or what fantasy will be fulfilled.
I dont think it sounds silly, I really get that. Its like the truth is there for you to see and it feels like a miracle and amazing that you can see your own denial. I felt like you do for ages, walking around in awe at the truth and awe of the power of denial. Im a big fan of the truth, I pray to always be in the light and never to live in the dark again. Great share, thanks.x
I read John's third line... but I didn't hesitate... aren't we all special...? 