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My Active Alcoholic Husband keeps telling me that he wants my support....proceed with the sob story of how hard life is.....How he has worked so hard for US....would DIE for me....meanwhile he has been out all night it is now 9am, and he is obviously loaded. I told him that I do not have the capacity to know or understand how to "support" him in his addiction.
I told him if he would die for me then he needs to go to rehab, if he would die for me than he can get sober, He just responded "f you". "rehab didn't work" Then he tells me that he "supports me in MY mood swings" (which frankly are the FAULT of his Alcoholism and the stress it causes me)...he loves me even though...proceed with list of faults.
He tells me I am ungrateful..and started back into the whole you left me once crap, don't do it again or else its over crap...at that point I refused to continue the conversation.
There is no way out. He is going to be mad at me regardless of what I say. Is that a fair assessment? I ought to just shut up.
FYI, I know that he is is on the wrong track about all my faults. Whatever, we all have faults, and mine aren't that bad or many lol! And the threat of it being "over" if I leave again is not really that big of a threat. And it isn't that rehab didn't work,its that HE didn't WORK rehab.
IS there a way to support and active alcoholic other than shutting up? I must say I didn't answer the phone a few times and when I did I said that I do not want to have this kind of a conversation. He agreed. that was a good step (on my part).
-- Edited by sadsusie on Friday 14th of February 2014 10:10:05 AM
First look at my signature below it works. Next set some boundaries for you on what you don't want and what you do want. What you can except and what you can't except. Before you say anything bad they say to count to 10 first. I say the serenity prayer first. Check my motives first. When you say something, mean what you say, say what you mean but never say it mean. Kindness is really good tool.
This is a good way to support you and support the A. It's always better to let them dwell in their own thoughts and not yours.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I've been sucked into a lot of those conversations. Well, I started many of them myself. They are useless.
Let's analyze it: "I would die for you!!" "OK, please go to rehab (which isn't nearly as hard as dying)" "f you!" Classic insanity. Keep repeating serenity prayer like Cathy, also just keep working on step 1,2, and 3.
Yes, there is no way out. I can't give you any better advice than Cathy just gave you, I completely agree.
BTW You do have your own faults. We all do. He will use them to his advantage to somehow make you feel bad for being human. but that doesn't mean they still aren't there. That is part of the goal of Al Anon, to acknowledge that and to start working through them and ridding ourselves of them. look at step 4. Once WE have acknowledge our own faults, it makes it even harder for them to use them against us. Or at least I would think, I am not at that step yet.
Keep going to meetings. And keep coming back here.
I think alcoholics only feel 'normal' when there is crisis and chaos all around them. I think they start fights and conversations to get reassurance. I find my ABF's constant need for approval and reassurance exhausting. It is like a never ending merry-go-ride. I have stopped reassuring him; especially when he is drunk because I am just wasting my breath. There is no point in talking/reasoning/fighting with an alcoholic when they have been drinking because they are not in a rational frame of mind and we need to save our strength and wisdom for ourselves.
So, to answer your question; by not joining their drunken conversations we ARE supporting them because we are eliminating the opportunity for them to say something stupid or hurtful.
Susie, hes asking for you to let him do whatever he wants without any of your own needs being met and without you saying anything. What do you want and need? Are you treating yourself with care? Thenquestion you should ask is how can I support and help me? Hes an a and hes getting worse and will keep going. Are you going down with him? Go to a meeting, get the support and help, thats probably the only thing that will help yours and his situation.x
I have found it very difficult to have a normal exchange of conversation when I was married to my active A. The speaking in circles, manipulations, self-centeredness wasn't even coherent. I found that the more I tried to support him, the sicker he became. I also found that the Alanon program is supportive- it supports me to have serenity, think clearly, make decisions from a sound place of love, create and uphold protective boundaries..., so at least there is one of us that isn't being recycled through crazytown. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the time and space needed to rebalance and take care of you. It's like having an emergency on an airplane and placing the oxygen mask over your mouth and nose before you turn to help others.
Just went thru this with my active AH.....the round and round conversations are tiring, this time when he said we should just split up and divide things 50/50, I said "deal!"...you shoulda seen the look on his face, I said well that is how you feel we will go to a mediator next week, see what the process is about and take it from there.......I told him that I deserve someone in my life that wants 100% of me, kids, family and if he only wants 50% then a split is the best option.
From that point my AH kinda derailed, threatened suicide and now is in another heap of trouble ( he is getting worse and worse) because if left untreated they will ONLY get worse. Mine also said rehab didn't work (you get what you put in)...........all these treatment places teach you tools----if you don't pick up the tools, there's no way to build anything up.
I just re-read a letter he sent me from rehab it stated " well, when I get home I will have 41 days of sober living---you and kids should be healed by then"............hmmmmmmm okay.
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
I don't know if there is a good way to have a healthy conversation with an active A .. what Bud said in her post that resonated with me.
I can have a healthy healing relationship with myself. That seems to transcend from inside out and that helps me a great deal see what is and isn't ok.
My thinking became soooo distorted that having a "healthy" conversation with the A wasn't even in the cards .. it's not about his response to what I was saying it was how I chose to communicate with him. UGH .. that was pretty much the definition of insanity for me .. doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Now .. LOL .. that being said .. to give you an idea of how distorted my thinking had become and I didn't see it at the time was .. I'm having a conversation with a girlfriend who is not a program friend and she asked me so how is the house and the heat .. please keep in mind this was 3 years ago or so .. very calmly I just state .. well STBAX has been chopping wood in the house, he's getting up at like 1am and we have at least enough wood to get through the day .. LMAO .. I want you to know her response was priceless .. we talked about it years later and we still laugh over that one today. She didn't know what to say and out of her love for me she chose not to say anything .. God love her and some of the things I would tell her and in my mind it was perfectly NORMAL .. because in my world that was what "normal" had become .. which was pretty much daily doses of insanity and I put my kids through this too.
So how do I communicate with my STBAX at the moment .. I don't .. I have very clear defined boundaries based upon the information that I currently have now. I can adjust those boundaries based upon new information. We have had some interesting conversations last year (way in the beginning of the year) .. however .. he doesn't remember them .. I don't know if he was high on pills OR drunk .. I know he has a keen alcoholic mind and he doesn't think like I do. So what I really try and stick to is what are my boundaries and I have worked like hell to let go of any expectations of him doing what he is suppose to do if that makes sense or not.
I just want you to know it gets easier because I have found if it's good for me then it's usually good for those around me and that actually translates to him as well even though we aren't together .. his pain is his to own and take care of I can be supportive .. I also know where I need to take care of me and draw that line and I choose what is best for me .. this is not about him .. it is about me and taking care of me. If he cared about me (he wanted to be friends .. I did tell him I'm very sorry I have a better class of friends .. you are not my friend. Friends uplift me, they support me, my friends don't go around sabotaging me financially because they deem something unfair. I do the same for them it is a give and take .. it is not ME doing all of the giving. He didn't get it .. I did feel good being able to state that because in his mind .. we are friends .. thank you NO.
So he wants you to be supportive the best thing you can do .. be supportive .. my daughter told her dad during the last awful visitation as he's broken down crying .. Dad, .. I love you. You know where you need to go to get help. We (her and her brother) can't fix this for you. This is a 14 year old kid telling a 46 year old man he knows what he needs to do .. she was supportive and kind at the same time. I want to be HER when I grow up! She's fully amazing. So getting out of his way .. that is supportive. Letting him feel his consequences .. that is being supportive. Sticking to the facts leaving the emotions at bay .. I'm sorry you feel that way, it sounds like it is a painful place to be. Those are gifts we can give to the A's in our lives .. it is ok to love an A boogers and all .. I just don't happen to even like mine .. lol.
Hugs keep coming back .. it gets better :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Just went thru this with my active AH.....the round and round conversations are tiring, this time when he said we should just split up and divide things 50/50, I said "deal!"...you shoulda seen the look on his face...
YES. There are very few things that set your feet on the ground quite as well as sticking to those boundaries. I've had these sorts of conversations, and they are useless. I no longer take part in them. Last time we had one of The Talks (tm), I called every one of my A's bluffs, and told him flat out what I thought about him, his drinking, and what he could expect from me should the drinking continue. I've learned that if he's too drunk to talk to, I just remove myself from the conversation no matter what might be yelled as I'm leaving. I've heard it all before, and I'm done. No more excuses, no more pity, no more acting like a baby. His actions have consequences, and it's time he face the music.
