The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a bad night, lost control of myself...felt better the next morning. I ended up having an awesome day. This may not sound like fun but I got my guest bedroom back in order cleaning out the closet and straightening up my crafts. I got some tools and albeit unsuccessfully tried to fix a closet door. Cleaned the bathroom, did some laundry. Had a bite to eat and cuddled up on my cozy new couch to watch Castles and legends.
I realize now why I was so happy...it was because my husband had left for the day. Then I started to wonder if that meant anything, but ignored it cause I was having a nice quit time.
Fast forward to 3:30AM, AH is not back yet. I proceed to get mad, call and yell. I got it out of my system - even though I had been telling myself before I got worked up that It would not accomplish anything, and i was right...but somehow felt good to get it out.
This is when I got back onto MIP. I read comments from a my post from last night. As I read I could just feel the peace and serenity oozing out of the words. I was tired so I couldn't quote what I read, only what I felt. Love, Compassion, Support, Forgiveness, Honesty, Truth. Serenity.
I then realized just why I had such a good day, It was because the Monster of Alcoholism was not in my house to slowly eat away at my serenity. Oddly enough It makes me feel better about myself, because I realize that this anger and hatred and resentment is towards the disease and not to the person I married.
I (theoretically) can still love him, but not his disease, although it is pretty hard. The problem is deciding where the disease ends and the Person begins.
I also must admit that I have a disease too, that disease is what made me WANT to scream and holler. Now I have to get BACK to working the program and going to my meetings. I want serenity. Bad. I just don't know if he realizes how bad. I don't even know myself. Only time will tell.
I thank each and every one of you for being you, for telling it like it is, for being honest about your experiences, and for your serenity when you so graciously offer it up.
Keep working on yourself. Get back to those meetings. And don't worry if he realizes how bad you want it, I'm sure he doesn't. Therefore, you have to want it for you.
The disease makes them into completely different people. I thought of my AW as Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. There id a Mr. Hyde in there, and sometimes it comes out, and then more and more often it comes out. And then it is inside Dr. Jekyl, so even when he is "normal" (aka sober) Mr. Hyde is gnawing at him to come back.
Also, have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews? You will be amazed at the insights it will give into what is actually going on. Most people on this board, including me, highly recommend it.
I know when my disease is acting out because I too become resentful, angry, full of negative emotions they are how alcoholism the isms show their ugly head in my attitudes, behaviours and feelings.
I too sometimes find it hard at first to identify when I am talking to my partner or his illness.
All I know is AA and al anon is where the medicine is for this disease. we can do our part go to al anon change our attitudes, actions and behaviours from negative to positive. The A's journey is their journey we can not make them take their medicine. All I know is that if my partners disease is acting out but I have taken my al anon medicine and respond with kindness the disease hates this, it wants us to fight hate each other so it can attack. Vice versa if I am having a bad day and my partner has been to an aa meeting and responds with patience, tolerance and kindness again the disease looses. Today my battle is with the disease I blame the disease not my alcoholic or myself.
Someone said they have the disease and we have the spots. Today thanks to AA and al anon we are both aware of what we are fighting and thanks to Hp most of the time it is not each other. Please keep the focus on yourself, your side of the street, your recovery and hand the rest to \HP and wait for the miracles to happen.
This is what I love about the program.
We catch ourselves going down that path and now we have the awareness that we can be happy.
You have the tools to change your life..
Hope
__________________
I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
