Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> How to believe in him again
Post Info TOPIC: How to believe in him again
4kidsmama


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 10
Date:
How to believe in him again
Permalink  

After 30 years of drinking, my AH has been sober for a little over a year, with two minor set backs that I know of. I've been with him for six years and have been through hell and back. I've learned the hard way, through disappointment and heartache, not to believe most of what this man says. Wether it was the bullshit over his drinking, dreams and goals about his future or ours, or just day to day stuff. He told me stuff to appease me and to get me off his back. Or I would get excited about something he said we would do, only to find out it was all just bullshit talk.  After awhile, I just started half listening and going, "ah ha," occasionally so he would think I was interested while thinking yeah, well I won't hold my breath dude.  And it's sad because my children do the same thing.

 

Now I need to relearn how to listen and believe in him.  How do I do this?  How do I risk my heart being broken again? I've hardened it so much. And what if he's still just all talk?



__________________
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

I've learned that I can trust only consistent behaviors and not words. If my loved one can't walk the walk, there's no point in listening with heart to words.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
MeTwo2


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 763
Date:
Permalink  

I've learned the hard way, through disappointment and heartache, not to believe most of what this man says.
Now I need to relearn how to listen and believe in him. How do I do this? How do I risk my heart being broken again? I've hardened it so much. And what if he's still just all talk?

what has he ''done to show he's clean .. nothing changes if nothing changes .. I had to learn the hard way too .. we learn by experience as human beings .. eventually i learned to believe my own experience .. i had to relearn to listen to me ..

in alanon we suggest working the steps with a sponsor in face to face meetings until after a 5th step before making life changing decisions .. divorce, marriage, etc .. i had been through much of the same for 13 years .. when i was in it, it was toxic; i couldn't see or think straight myself .. i needed the fellowship and others who shared similar experiences .. i also couldn't see me clear enough to make a decision that may or may not effect me in the long run .. i was angry and anger brings confusion .. i also thought i had a hardened heart .. what i realise is my heart was closing because i was learning it wasn't safe to keep it open (without the wisdom and spiritual help of higher power and the fellowship)

keep coming back .. reading the posts in here too will probably help .. there is an online 24/7 chat site .. www.stepchat.com Usually always someone there to chat with .. as well as online meetings but for the processing, i found face to face .. to be the most effective .. it helped to 'see others who were going through the same ..

__________________
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

My suggestion would be to let it happen naturally and don't force it. Let him either earn the trust back or not. We are told in AA that we need to have living amends for most of our wrong doings and that just saying sorry is not enough. We have to BE DIFFERENT for an extended period of time to earn trust back and that time line is not our own to determine. We might need to be a different person for a few months, a year, or multiple years in order to earn trust. I have also heard it said in AA meetings that there are some people we hurt so badly during our drinking that the best amends is to stay out of their life forever.

So...let it unfold and listen to what your HP says about trusting him. When your heart and your head start to match up on the matter, then it's right. As of now, your heart wants to trust but your head says no...and that's understandable.

__________________
Grace7


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 112
Date:
Permalink  

Consistency. That is how trust is Earned after it has been broken repeatedly. A's believe what they say. When they promise something, they mean it at the moment. A moment.....how brief.

I love this saying for my balance when I am ever questioning or uncertain, trying to talk myself out of something that doesn't feel quite right...or in confusion (never make a decision in confusion.

A's: Pay attention to what We Do, NOT what We Say....:) Why? We more often say what we do not mean, no follow through. They pick up on this more quickly than we do.

Al-Anoners: We Pay Attention to what our A's Say vs what they Do! Why??? We WANT to Believe them This time~! When history proves time and again, they will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want all while looking us straight in the eye.

Dear Friends, Do you see what is wrong with this whole picture? Dysfunction station it is! Thus, peace will not be found in this scenario.

The wisdom is here. It is ours for the taking!

My Fathers great wisdom! "Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me." Wow..........

Namaste


__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> How to believe in him again