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I am new to alanon, but not new to 12 steps.. I am a recovering A with 29 years sober....my son,43, is the practicing A.... I finally, finally finally, after much hard work have gone no contact with him.... He has no reason to believe I meant it this time, as we have been here before....but this time the surrender was real for me....so it has been a month... I will not answer calls or texts.... the only time I answer a text is when he is being sarcastic about when he contact me.... my reply, you'll know when the time is right.... but he is escalating now.... I do not fear him.... unless it has gone further than I realize.... but I do not open my door when he knocks... so I what I am asking here, and I know ya'll cant tell me what to do, but would appreciate feedback of your own experiences with standing your ground...of course there is no talking to him... and I wouldn't believe him if he said he wasn't drinking.... I still am fascinated that here I am an A, and got so caught up in his disease... my excuse of course, has been , I'm his MOM....
So am finally taking care of me.... do I continue to ignore his manipulations, simply follow my gut? His last text to me....."Are there limits or terms to your embargo?" If it wasn't so sad and crazy making, it would be funny....
I need to maintain no contact.... for me.... and for him.... it will only turn into the same old song and dance.... finally, working working working Step 2, and letting God have him, any suggestions or experiances woudl be appreciated... I will take what I need and leave the rest..... thank you all for listening and being here for me..
So glad you found us. Congrats on your 29 years....WOW. Now you know it can be done if your want it bad enough...so your son has that chance too.
I found with me is when I stopped the money was my first step. But the crisis times was harder. I had to start setting boundaries for me. I have 3 main ones that over time become easy to do. I made sure my son understand them completely and it took some time to get them though his head but he does understand now. When something comes up and he is in crisis I just renew the boundaries to him. I just had to do it yesterday. ( read my post today )
It's really hard at first but one day at a time it gets easier and my son is finally realizing I mean business.
I'm glad your here so keep coming back because we can't do this alone and here you are not alone...
((( hugs )))
PS: No contact is a good tool when you don't have enough strength or courage but day by day you will get it. I am......so you can too.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you Cathy.... I needed to know I am on the right track... the boundaries are set...of course he pushes them, because it has always worked in the past... hence why I am getting more anger from him this time... I absolutely know this is the right thing to do.... another stubborn son .... I love him, but I do not have to like what he is doing, nor do i have to shame him and argue... so for right now.... no contact is working for me.... I don't want to loose my temper with him like I always do, getting so frustrated... and that is about ME... so am really taking this time to work on me.... and thanks for the congrats on the sobriety...I give God the credit, so if He can do it for me, He most certainly will do it for my son, when and if he is ever ready.... thanks again...
Aloha Ladee and welcome to the board....We have a handfull of "doubles" (both programs) here so the understanding and experience is large...larger now that you are here. For me with my son when he was younger...I craved wanting to start a life with me because his addict mother and I divorced and she got the children. He came to me at 19 and I knew earlier than that, that he most likely would be addicted...drugs and... He was and while we restarted a relationship with agreement the disease took that one over right away. I was already in program(s) with Al-Anon raising me about how to remain sane and serene while living with another addicted person. I divorced his addict mother and also several other addicted significant others including a second addicted wife. I raised my young son on alcohol and then while understanding that I knew how to work and live an amends and so it arrived at the "talk" where I spoke for me and not against him. Of major concern for me was to tell him that having him live with me threatened my own sobriety and that was life threatening. We split...I went my own way in the same town and while we did maintain contact from time to time I always took care of my peace of mind and serenity. We can always tell when our minds and emotional serenity are being threatened...those are my first indicators and I respond to them first...before behavior. It is now 30 years later and he has relapsed and the agreement still stands and he remembers it because he has not and will not make contact. He knows that contact will not change his compulsion, justifications, mindset and addiction. He remembers my program from a long time ago and knows it is still alive. We practice daily. He knows I can introduce him to hundreds of our friends and fellows in our recovery family and I have offered that to the family...I will not attempt to fix myself because of the enabling character which is still here. Will he go for it...Only HP will know...I pray for it as much as I pray for it for this MIP family which now includes you. Glad you are here. Let him have his anger. You know that is a great motivation to reaching out. ((((hugs))))
"The talk where I spoke for me and not against him'.......that is just what I needed to hear....Thank you so much Jerry....I don't want to argue with his disease.... while mine is running rampant on the selfishness.... what a double edged sword.... after his last text... I eventually did send him one saying, 'nothing changes if nothing changes, I am taking care of myself now and pray you are doing the same... love you" and that was that....I know I am not ready to stay calm if we are face to face... it will come... and I will know when that time has arrived.... because I want to stay calm, I want to feel that I mean what I say.....not trying to 'take the easier, softer way here', it's just the right thing for right now....
And for my own personal program and life... it has taken me this long to understand I do not deserve abuse from anyone for any reason....the term 'abuse' is relative to me now... not drawing that imaginary line saying to myself.... but this is my son!!!! This has been an awesome journey hasn't it.... always lessons to be learned..
thank you for sharing, and maybe one day, all of us will get to be with our kids, and we can all be 'happy, joyous and free'....
