The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tuesday night when I came home from my Al Anon meeting I found my husband passed out on the bathroom floor. I left him there.
Tonight, when I got home, we actually did end up having 'the talk'. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I told him flat out that he was losing me. I told him that, while I couldn't leave him yet, one day I would find the strength to walk away. That I deserved better, someone who would respect me, be there for me, be my equal, make a real life with me. He asked me what I wanted from him. I asked him if he really wanted to hear it. I said, 'I want you to make positive changes in your life and stop wallowing in self pity. You cannot drink enough or sleep enough to make the world go away, you have to deal with your life - both the good and the bad. I want you to get up, take action, and act like the friggin' adult you are.' I thought I would share some of the arguments and excuses he gave me. I wanted others to hear them in case they were hearing similar things from their As.
'I think my alcoholism is heredity.' That doesn't change anything. So is diabetes, so are tons of other illnesses. That's no excuse for the way you act, or the way you treat me.
'I have to wean myself off. I can't just stop cold turkey.' Whatever. Your actions are your own.
'You have to believe in me, to trust me, to give me some credit.' No, I really don't. If that's what you want you have to show me positive change in your actions. You have to earn that from me, because it's gone.
'You have to push me to take care of myself.' No, that's not my job. I'm not your mother. You're a 37-year-old man. You should know how to take care of yourself by now. If we weren't together and you were sick or injured, who would be taking care of you? You would. You have take care of yourself.
'We're not leaving each other.' There's no guarantee of that. As things are now, they don't look good. I am unhappy, and I deserve better. If you can't give that to me, you will lose me.
'I'm so sorry, I suck, I'm such a loser and a f***up.' I've heard all of this before. Nothing you say will make this better. Words are wind. Your actions matter, not your words.
'I'm trying!' Really? Name ONE THING you are doing to make positive changes in your life. He had no response to that.
'But I love you!' I love you to. I probably always will. But love isn't enough for a successful marriage. It requires trust, respect, and understanding, and I have none of that left for you.
I'm fairly proud of myself. I never broke down and cried, I didn't give him reassurances that we would get thought this, that everything would be ok. I didn't offer any help. It felt cold, and flat, and more honest that I had been in a long time. This is what detachment feels like, and I understand now why it's so difficult to achieve.
It's lonely, and heart-breaking, and there's a lot of anger and resentment mixed in for good measure. But it is, without a doubt, what is going to protect me from whatever comes next.
Hang in there! You did a great job of expressing your needs!
Focus your anger and resentment on maintaining the positive path you are on. A river flows with clear, clean water and a puddle is cloudy and stagnant; moving forward is the only way to serenity and a clear, bright future.
Your wisdom is coming through, so I am guessing you know this already but I will say it anyway. I (and I'm sure many others) have heard exactly, verbatim, every single quote from your A you shared. So---good for you for focusing on you. Great that you got to the meeting, good that you told your A what you needed to (I remember vividly saying more than once to my now ex that there is no way our family could survive with things the way they were). You know you have lots of support here, you know you can do nothing about whether your A ever seeks recovery, you know you deserve and get to live the life you were meant to live.
Yes, I've heard all of those and more:
"At least I don't beat you" was a favorite of mine. So, that means I'm supposed to be grateful you're not a physically abusive drunk, and that I should take heart in the fact that you're just a drunk in general??? UGH
It sounds like you stood your ground, spoke with calmness and that you were honest. The talk I had with my AH yesterday was similar. I've removed emotions and crying and weeping and begging these days. I still cry, but I do it with my sponsor or when I'm alone. Al Anon has helped me tremendously in all of this! Hugs and loving support to you today. I'm sorry you are going through this. None of us start our marriages thinking it will end or be torn to pieces by alcoholism.
I'm so inspired by the way you stood your ground Spider and I love your comments to his cliche protests.
It is amazing how similar our A's are in their thoughts and sayings - like the others here I've also heard each and every one of those and I know that they hurt as well. That recognition helps me to keep painful words in perspective. Sending power to your shield and smiles to fill your day
WOW it is like all A's have like a hive mentality. They all have the same "buzz" words that they use. I really feel that when I got to the point where I could disconnect the emotions, I had this strength in dealing with mine.
It's so weird that I have no problems with dealing with other people. My AH is my Achilles heel. All he has to is draw back that bow and send those arrows at me.
At the moment, he is calling non- stop from his hospital bed (don't know how he does this when he is in restraints), but " he need me there, he needs me to bring him something, I have to call him back"........it is so tiring. He is the one that threatened to kill himself and then swallowed pills with his wine----not me. So I figure he made that decision, he has to deal with it. This is not an easy life that is for sure.
__________________
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
Yes, I've heard all of the excuses, or at least most of them. Be glad you didn't get "living with you would drive anyone to drink"!
The thing you have that was missing from my similar conversations is the great, calm answers. Mine were either not answering at all, or pretty hysterical. Most of my similar conversations were pre-Al Anon. These are great responses, and so was your response to him laying on the floor last night! Keep up the detachment. As you said, it's lonely, but it's better. And the loneliness is honest, I'm sure you were lonely before, just not ready to admit it.
Peace Kenny
PS jillybean, does AH really stand for Achilles Heel??
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Thursday 13th of February 2014 01:33:29 PM
Thank you for sharing this.. right now I am having no contact with my A son as I feel I need to get stronger to stay calmer.... I want to be able to handle his 'buzz' words in such a healthy manner as you d id... thanks for letting me know, one day, I will be able to do the same.... sending you a bucket of hugs.
