The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If I suspect drinking, do I say something? For example, while talking to my W on the phone tonight, I suspected she might have been buzzed at least.
Since Ive already made it clear that I think she abuses alcohol and needs to stop, do I say something? If only to let her know that *I* know?
What about when we are alone, say, after the kids are in bed, and she grabs a glass of wine? Do I still hang out with her? Do I make a point of doing something else? At what point does her drinking even become any of my business?
I'm asking because it's pretty clear she isnt stopping...seems to me like she's in a stage where she is showing me that she can control it. But, she never did stop like she said she would.
Where do I draw the line? What is the line?
What if I am wrong? What if she wasnt drinking tonight?
Keep in mind, I have crazy control issues, which I am working on separate from this issue, (doesnt make this any easier.. ) As Ive stated in an earlier post, I am *seriously* codependent, so I am not sure how to proceed.
Full disclosure, I hope she just stops on her own. I heartfully hope so.
Sorry folks, I dont know if she is a beginning alcoholic or if I am just totally insane.
-- Edited by lsng on Thursday 13th of February 2014 03:10:17 AM
-- Edited by lsng on Thursday 13th of February 2014 03:16:49 AM
There's a great essay about the merry go round of alcoholism...maybe one of the other folks here will help us find it.
You are NOT insane. How I remember the crazymaking...the what if this? and what if that? in my mind...obsessing about whether I detected a smell, or a slur...
The three Cs..you cant control it, cure it, or change it. Only you can decide what you can and can't live with in your life. Many of us choose to stay, others leave active As, other couples find recovery...but Alanon tools can help bring you peace on the journey. Step one..we are POWERLESS.
For me, the only time I now have an issue with my exA is if he is drinking / using and driving with my kids. I have a breathalyzer and if I suspect he is using, he cannot have the kids until he blows in it. I have no control over what he does once he has them. I have talked to the kids, given them safety plans, and both kids have cell phones. They know what to do if they suspect their dad is impaired.
It's really tough to figure out what is on our side of the street sometimes...when you are in a relationship with an A, because what they do DOES impact us. The way I navigated was this -- I separated our finances (because his behavior could really jeopardize things for me), and made sure the kids were/are safe. What he does otherwise is none of my business. There is a saying in Alanon...to stay on your side of the street, meaning that we can't meddle or control the As life...it will always be their choice to drink or not, and what we do, well...doesn't make much difference. Believe me, when I thought I could change him, I tried EVERYTHING. I ended up angry, frustrated, and defeated.
There are lots of people here who are currently living with active As, and they all draw their boundaries differently...hopefully they will chime in here too.
sending strength, and you are not insane, or alone, keep coming back
When people are using and I know it, I generally just say, "Let's talk when you feel better or Let's talk when you're sober." I don't care if they like what I say or not. Life is short for me. I don't want to waste my time listening or attempting to have a conversation with somebody who's drunk or high. Years ago I used to expend an incredible amount of energy thinking I was having conversations with people who were drugged. They couldn't even remember our conversations a lot of the time. I help myself stay sane by keeping things for me honest, simple and short when a person who is drugged contacts me.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 13th of February 2014 09:01:11 AM
From what I get from your post, I think it's time you set some realistic boundaries. Decide what is acceptable behavior, and what isn't, decide what the consequences are for said behavior, and stick to them. Only you can decide what sort of behavior is ok, and what isn't, and you CANNOT control her choices. All you can do is tell her, 'I find that when you do A, it makes me feel B. Therefor, if you do A, then C will happen.' And STICK TO IT. If there are no consequences, there is no reason to stop a particular action. Also, they don't have to be huge, like 'If you don't stop drinking I will take the kids and skedaddle.' Start small, start with what is comfortable to you and where you can 100% stand your ground.
For codependency, I cannot recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. When I was first discovering my codependency and trying to understand it this book brought to light so many actions, and how terribly I was wrapped up in my A. It's shown me choices I had no idea was available to me, and given me such much-needed breathing room in my relationship.
In your whole share, I heard 1 thing really worth you expending effort into - The rest is step 3 stuff - turn it over and let it go. The 1 thing worth focusing on is "I am *seriously* codependent." You say that like it is something irreversible or that you will be like that forever. Do you want to not be that way? Working to change that would help your situation a lot. You pretty much wrote your own solution in your post. I used to be scared to give up my codependency because I thought if I didn't "need" someone, then I would resign myself to a life of loneliness and no purpose. I didn't want to be "okay" with being on my own. I was misguided...reducing codependency has actually allowed me to have longer lasting and better relationship. Go figure.
You CAN relax and not obsess over her drinking. If you are comfortable in you, your abilities, your life path, that you will be okay on your own if need be, or you will create meaning later with someone else if she does become a raging drunk you can't tolerate.... If you get to that point of addressing your codependency, it will all be so much better. So to simplify - I would try and dismiss all the stuff about her for the most part and focus on that 1 part you shared about you. I think your key to serenity is there.
P.S. - I know I said "you" a lot in this post, but its my ESH - this is what "I" had to do in order to achieve some greater serenity and to approach relationships without trying to control and change folks so much. It has helped me a lot.
Aloha...If you've already talked about it then both of you know and know that you know. Now you know that inspite of knowing and talking about it alcoholism continues if inspite of knowing she continues to drink. This is a progressive disease and with out total abstinence will continue to get worse and worse for the alcoholic and for the people she is in contact with who do not get help for themselves. This is the point where I stopped talking and was led thru the doors of Al-Anon so that is my experience and the only thing I can pass on because that works for me still. You didn't Cause this, you cannot control it and will not cure it...that is our 3 Cs. If what you've done hasn't worked stop doing it and change....Focus on yourself. When you stop focusing on her she will have to do it and often that results in change. Your awareness that you have control issues....in the 3 Cs the second C is you can control this...it is a disease. Put the time and effort into going to Al-Anon and come learn from the people who have been where you are at now and have learned how to regain sanity and personal freedom for themselves. Talking never worked for my alcoholic/addict wife and I...When we talked she got the idea that "now its okay for me to drink again because he got it off his chest"....nah. (((hugs)))
Al Anon has a saying - say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. Most of it is obvious. But one inobvious piece is that discussing subjects endlessly get you nowhere. Like mud wrestling a pig, you get dirty, and the A gets what she wants - more talk, no action, therefore more drink. As Jerry said, she knows, and you know, and you know that she knows, she knows that you knows, etc
How you want to set your boundaries will be your decision. Keep looking here for what other people have done. My wife is a binger, and I used to put her to bed when it was bedtime, make her comfortable etc. The last couple of times I have just left her alone. If she wakes up at 3:00 AM and drinks more, that is her problem. if she wakes up in the morning on the floor, that was brought on by her decision.
My AW went through a "I need a glass of wine to get through my stressful day" stage. That became a "I need to buy a bottle of vodka and pass out because I can't deal with my life" stage. Alcoholism is progressive. Sometimes it stays the same for years, but it seems to never get better, always worse, sooner or later.
Her drinking is your business now. She is doing it in your house, and she is making you worried. Unfortunately, the only person that can do anything about it is you. Al Anon has helped me with this tremendously. Also books - AA literature, CoDependent No More, Getting Them Sober, and Boundaries are my favorites.
Lastly, no you're not insane. And, believe it or not, neither is she. She is likely hurting, ashamed, and in denial of her issues. Mine is now in recovery, and I discovered that the shame of being an A was/is horrible for her. when she was active, I had my own acronym for her behavior - DRY - Denial Rationalization, Yelling. She would be kinda normal much of the time - although a fair amount of memory loss and scatterbrainedness, but when drunk, and while coming out of it, she was always DRY. Gives new credence to that old song "How DRY I am"!
Keep coming back, this is a process you are going through, it will take time for you to adjust to a new normal way of thinking about this.
) As Ive stated in an earlier post, I am *seriously* codependent, so I am not sure how to proceed.
