I am still contributing to the dysfunction, and I only have myself to blame...but not really - Al-Anon Family Group

sadsusie · Senior Member

I am still contributing to the dysfunction, and I only have myself to blame...but not really

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Susie

Pre-recovery, My AW would bring stuff and rub my face in it all the time. Half of it wasn't even true, she was so roasted. But the other half was, and it would always be the part that would either disarm me or totally push my buttons. Her disease is just very very good at manipulating things so that it could get another drink.

The only person that will decide too much has been said and done will likely be you. For now, he gets to drink. The alcohol doesn't care if it is easy, or if it has to manipulate you into the craziest wrestling holds ever, if will get its way. So it is quite happy right now.

The disease doesn't forgive, it just goes for more booze. If you vet in the way, or curse him, of whatever the disease will just try harder and manipulate more.

You will have to decide what level of out of control you can live with and enforce it. I'm sure some F2F meeting time will help you immensely.

Kenny

sadsusie · Senior Member

When you say that the disease does whatever it need to do to get another drink....is that like the A staying in that chaotic state of mind....which is like a snowball effect...they are chaotic already while drinking....then they want to drink more to keep up this state of mind...then they have become in the habit of creating more chaos around them so that they can "justify" to themselves in their mind that they need a drink.

I guess I am just committed to this merry go round of a marriage...I see the hope of a wonderful future, but right now the disease is throwing me off the ride and I am getting cuts and bruises.

I am just not sure if HE will ever forgive ME for MY behavior. He is still really made at me for leaving in the first place. He was KRAZY hanging out in the Ghetto with drug dealers and felons and bringing all kinds of people to our house. Being verbally abusive. I wonder if if gets into recovery if he will realize that I was not in a position to stay with him. I wanted to separate myself from all of his goings-on, regardless of how serious his injuries were when he was drunk and fell off the top of a moving car.

Thank you for your insight. It is already helping me to be back on the site again.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Susie..Please just forgive yourself for your behavior. You don't need his approval to be okay. You dont need him to understand why you left when YOU know why and it was the best option. You also learned you can do it again if you decide to so I see growth and opportunities for learning. Breathe and detach some. He's an irrational and manipulative drunk. No, it's not good to scream, act out, or drink at him but, like I said, it concerns me more how you treat yourself rather than if a sick active alcoholic forgives you. You stated he throws stuff in your face and rubs it in. I'm thinking true forgiveness isn't possible with him anyhow because his addiction will always have its own agenda...which is to create reasons to keep drinking and keep you accepting it. He wants to shred your self esteem and punish you for leaving once so that his alcoholism wins and you feel so worthless you will think you deserve to or have no choice but to accept the alcoholism and whatever other unacceptable behaviors go with it.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If he gets into recovery, the focus will be on his making amends - not seeking forgiveness from others. You know why you left even if he never understands it. Taking good care of yourself never needs forgiveness or understanding from others. You did what you saw was right to do for you in leaving. It was a healthy move for you as I remember? To me, your leaving is one of those JADE kinds of things. He doesn't have to agree with your healthy choices or your own self-validation. You can still be okay with your healthy choices, your self-validation, and your recovery program.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok I have to say it,in my experience this type of environment can ruin a dog for life. My basset hound was afraid of my AH when he got crazy. then my next one, my baby now, he was over and yelled and I got into him to NEVER talk like that, that he would NOT scare Tavish like he did Fergus!! when it comes to animals,there is NO leeway. In fact that is what got him permanently told to leave. He was almost going to hurt his friends dog. I grabbed him by the hood of his sweat shirt, next thing i knew I was on the ground on my back, my shoulders permanently disabled.

so that is that.

We all mess up so please as I always say to me, just move on one foot in front of the other and learn from it!

remember it is insane to try to rationalyze insanity. he is a rageing addict, who's disease is doing the talking for him.

so he does not matter. YOU do here. I worked hard on ME my self image, my self respect. got all the books, did all the workbooks, took classes, whatever I could to love me, appreciate the me hp gave me to work with. that was the best thing I ever did. by the time a came along, his words did not hurt me or even sting. He didn't attack my person ever though. Just was always going to burn down the house, I directed him to where the lighters were, or leave, I pointed to remind him where the door was...

Honestly I am no model, but I have my good points. I refuse to allow anyone to disrespect me. will tell anyone that too.

It just does not matter what a sick person says to you!! would you listen if he had a high fever? His brain is damaged and or compromised. His whole body is!

A's love highs, so when we fight back it gives them a major one., they thrive on it!

you are commited? to being abused? what makes you hate yourself so much?? commited to someone who steals from you, tresspasses on your property (your wallet)treats you like you have no worth.

Is mad becuz you left yet does all those wonderful things to make you feel bad about leaving???

Hey you got a brain, you are a woman, a beautiful, soft, woman! You are extremely patient, you are willing to take blame for things you have nothing to do with... so what makes it so hard to put the focus on you, off him, and take care of just you? I would put all my energy into a plan of recovery for ME. be proactive with MY life. Hey he will always be there if you want to go back. but something tells me, you would like life serene.

I don't know if you are living there or not? I chose to live in one room in my barn than to hang onto a drunk who had the nerve to disrespect and abuse me. It was serene, quiet, clean, i got well. so I would live in a tent rather than put up with anyone being so rude and horrible to me.

Al anon strives to teach us to look at ourselves, what do I need to be happy, what do I need to do to get there. what are my goals?

the a is in a pit, its sad, its horrible, he or she is sick. that is their problem, they have to take care of them.

seeing you from the outside, the disease has a very strong hold on you, life does not have to be like this susie. do you even remember how serene it can be?

I invite you to find out. PLEASE keep coming back a lot!!! you need us and we need you! debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

"Granted I missed 3 weeks worth of meetings"...Think that has something to do with how you handled this? Forget how he handled it...that is what the disease does. How we handle it is our responsibility and we own the consequences. My sponsor once told me when I was complaining about how the alcoholic/addict spoke to me, "So I guess WORDS can hurt you huh"? If I let them yes....its always "if I let them". You are contributing to your dysfunction...true. Stop it. ((((hugs)))) smile

ParisMemories · Senior Member

Hi Susie I used to worry all the time that my actions were going to destroy my marriage and I feared that my AH could never forgive me for the crazy reactions and corresponding consequences that came about. I called the police on him, convinced him to check into detox , drove him to the ER....on an on. That was before I really understood this program. Now I step back and let him be responsible for himself. I don't worry anymore about him forgiving me. We gave both made big mistakes, but We are still together, I am going yo Alanon meetings regularly. He is doing what he does , it's great when he's focused on his recovery. It sucks when he's not, but I am taking care of me and I'm so much happier. Please be patient with yourself. This program takes time to work, but I am proof fact it does. Hugs.

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