The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why is it that we are responsible for our own choices and can only control ourselves , when the choices we make are often base on the actions of our A or others in our lives ? The choices I have to make I would not have to make them if the people in my life would not be such *&^*^*( !!!!!!
I should be the one drinking !!!!!!
Remembering the Three " C's " right ... can't control, cure or change !!! I would not have to control , cure and try and change anyone if only they would stop drinking , why am I making this my issue , because I care, because I love and because I want to make it all better ....
Not only am I new and learning to cope with my verbally abusive husband , now I am dealing and trying to help my best friend (ex-sister in law ) see that her drinking is rapidly catching up to her, she lost husband , kids , her job is on the line , what's next her house , she calls and is depress and wants to end her life ( when she is drunk ) then the next day does not even remember calling me, and can't believe she said that !!! Next time she calls like that , I am recording her so she can actually hear herself...
Wow. People have come out of the woodwork when my AW came back from inpatient treatment. The cat is out of the bag that she is an A. Some snub her, some pity her, and then there are the people that think they might need help.
She has had to just refuse to deal with the ones that need help at this point. Her recovery is too important to get it confused into another person's alcoholism/pill dependency. Right now she is fighting for her life, she is like when the airplane drop the oxygen masks, and she has to put hers on first. She is still in that process.
I know this is hard, yet another person affected by alcohol in your life. But you might want to gauge how important your recovery is. How if you can recover from what you are going through with husband, then perhaps she can be helped.
But you are also learning that you can't really help her. You have another person to understand the three Cs.
BTW I almost recorded my AW once, but I came to the conclusion she just wouldn't believe it, and it would be a waste of energy. She wouldn't believe any of the other telltale signs, why would she believe a recording. I did show her pictures once, and it just pissed her off. It brought out the shame rather than the rationality, which happens so often with active As.
Peace kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Wednesday 12th of February 2014 04:58:50 PM
Mia, some investigation of why you are an alcoholic magnet? You say you "have" to do all these things for the alcoholics in your life. Who says? Sounds like God didn't do anything to you. They are the drunks and you can choose and draw boundaries around what you do or do not do for them.
((( Mia ))) I feel and empathise with all your hurts .. I have been there .. Many of us have .. these were all painful lessons to learn .. it's been 8 years nearly 9 since i walked through the doors of alanon .. i needed face to face meetings minimum of 3 a week .. i needed fellowship, willingness to be honest with others & myself, and a sponsor along with literature to learn what i have up til this point .. i can't tell you how many meetings we all must have under our belt .. all sharing wisdom and experience to bring eachother strength and hope .. long time ? no not really .. i have never really even noticed the time that's gone by because the greatest journey of all has truly been the one into me .. not the alcoholic as i once believed .. we're never alone .. we always have eachother .. sharing halves our sorrows doubles our joys ..
why do we have to be responsible for ourselves ? sharing experience only .. it took me a long time to recognise i couldnt heal everyone's hurts around me .. they didn't all come from me .. some were already formed long before i ever came into the picture .. with the alcoholic one of my biggest assumptions was to think we Both Knew there was a problem .. for the alcoholic, alcohol is the solution, not the problem .. IT changes their feelings, controls (so they believe) their emotions, cures their other problems (temporarily) .. it gives them an escape .. so when i come along saying lets talk feelings .. (I) become the problem for messing with their Solution .. On the Other hand, I didn't have a problem either .. I had a solution .. just get Everybody Else around me to change and I will be ok .. So when they didn't do what I expected, they became the problem for messing with My solution .. took me many years before it finally hit me that it would be a Lot simpler to work on me changing me .. the only one I can .. Took me even longer to recognise i was the number one person i couldn't trust .. i kept walking in and doing the same thing over and over with others i knew deep down were not going to change .. <-- my expectations became premeditated resentments ..
the alcoholics Quit growing when they take their first drink .. how can they grow ? they aren't turning inward, they are turning outward .. I Quit growing too when I started obsessing on the alcoholics .. how could I grow ? i wasn't turning inward, i was turning outward ..
alcoholism is a Disease .. it's Not just a Drinking disease, it's a Thinking disease .. we are Powerless over the Effects .. the Effects on us ? Anger, confusion, obsession, blame, criticism, judgments, resentments, and more .. why am i powerless ? i lack the wisdom of this fellowship .. my feelings, theirs, my confusion, theirs, it was all bigger than Me ..
I needed to learn to start taking accountability for my own behavior .. my way of helping wasn't really helping, in fact, all the controlling changing curing was doing more harm (damage to my relationships) than good ..
there is so Much support in these rooms .. keep sharing and keep coming back !! if you don't attend alanon, i would greatly suggest trying to get there .. it saved my sanity and my life .. i can't fight the power 'behind the addiction alone .. i need to turn me into we .. with higher power .. ((( i know the madness )))
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 12th of February 2014 11:59:15 PM
Reminds me of (only one of) the time(s) when my alcoholic/addict wife was hung over bad and I chose that time to "fix" her. LOL....I even took a bible into the bedroom so that she could moralize herself to sobriety and guess what she took the bible and threw it at my head...yelling "leave me alone"!! she missed and my sponsor brought me to point. "She was physically sick, hung-over and didn't want your help. So why didn't you listen to her and just LEAVE HER ALONE"!! Duuuuhhh I don't know.... It never happened again for a long while. What did I ever do? I didn't just surrender and stop. (((((hugs)))))
I understand perfectly what you are going thru, my husband is very verbally abusive when he drinks, Im new too to this but being here is your first step and I congrats for you being here! We are here to support you and we are family in this circle of disease that takes over our family members and friends. Talking about it and follow the steps, the first step is the hardest for me since and it will be for you!
I totally understand, my husband was constantly verbally abusive to me for 13 years, then I left him, now i am back. He is cognizant of it now, and is better for the most part, but it is part of his symptoms of his disease.
I left because I cared so much about his opinion of me and pleasing him that I got to the point that if I was with him in the kitchen i would consider stabbing myself (out of frustration cause I couldn't please him), i would drive the car crazy. I left because I lost myself and was scared for my safety.
I cared, i still care, but it is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY to get him sober or to save him from himself. Remember, the people that you are dealing with are adults too.
I am codependent. So I have to remind myself over and over about step 1 of Alanon. 1. WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL [ PEOPLE, THINGS EVENTS] - AND OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGABLE.
My I extrapolate?
We ADMITTED. at some point you will come the the realization of the truth of this statement.....I promise...its true.
WE WERE POWERLESS...its not just about "control" it is about our powerlessness....like gravity.....like the ocean current.....there is *nothing* that's right *nothing* we can do about it. So...if there is nothing we can do about it - *stop trying*. yeah, I know that is a hard pill to swallow...because Boy, we can save the world can't we. Well, NO, we can't.
OVER ALCOHOL. Yes over alcohol and alcoholism, it is a disease just like cancer, and it has nothing to do with US. (I know, I know, it makes our lives miserable too...but it doesn't have to if you we work the program -I have met many many people who do not let it affect them) We are also powerless of people, things, reactions, etc....keep that in mind. Mind your own business, stay on your side of the street. I stay out of my AH's way. if he wants to drive drunk and risk a ticket - go for it. If he wants to do drugs and needs to go to the er, well guess what, last time it happened his stupid friend was downstairs and I told him that if he wanted to go to the ER that he better get his friend to take him, because I was asleep. It was not my responsibility, he has choices to make and consequences. Needless to say, I call an ambulance if he really needs one. I've already saved his life 3 times. As in he was unconscious, and had to be intubated.
AND OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE, oh gee did it ever. I find that the more deeply ingrained I am in Alanon, the more pleasant my life is. The farther away I am from alanon the Crazy crazy crazier it is and I become. It is unmanagable because I keep trying to manage the disease of alcoholism and its effects and I am caught up in chaos.
For example. My AH went out last night never to return. So I freaked out (unmanageable) and just a bit ago we got into a fight (unmanageable) on the phone..he was drinking..I knew the whole time that it was a waste of breath. So I told him that I did n't want to continue this conversation. a bit later he called and I said to him I DO NOT want to do that again (have that mean conversation). He agreed. I stopped trying to force him to see my perspective...he stopped trying to manipulate me...You CAN chose what conversations you enter into.
Now that I have said all of that....I will also say that when I realized this was all true...I actually had to Grieve it. I had to mourn the loss of the "idea" that I could fix it. I had to mourn the idea that it is completely out of my hands. I also had to mourn the burden I then accepted when I realized that *I* needed recovery too.
Many blessings to you. I have been in alanon about 6 months and had my own little relapse of poor behavior and thought patterns. We just have to pick ourselves up and try again. Its worth it, YOU are worth it.
It never happened again for a long while. What did I ever do? I didn't just surrender and stop. (((((hugs))))) 
