I just need a place to vent! - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I just need a place to vent!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, and this AM??? He took a shower with the bedroom door open, with family visiting and staying in our home! Hello??? Boundaries??? LOL! My teenage son's mouth dropped to the floor this AM when he realized that Grandmom was going to walk past the master bedroom and his dad was buck naked in the shower!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes I just gotta laugh rather than get pissed off and afraid. Strange is often funnier than intimidating. I like to balance out the angry with the acceptance. It cuts down on the counseling visits. Know what I mean? Keep coming back...((((hugs)))) smile

messedupgirl · Member

Ahhh big hugs to you, I can so relate to you, ... I used to feel shame but I am learning more and more that his behavior is not an indication of who I am, people are seeing him for the ass he makes himself out to be ... so welcome to the crazy club you are not alone here LOL

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry! Yes, I was laughing!

Also, he and I had to go to the accountant today and he decided it would be a good time to talk about US. Oh geez. I did my best to stay calm and NOT get on the crazy train. He confronted me with all kinds of stuff and claimed that at some point I had to decide if I want to be happy(he seems to think that I'm not, but I am) or safe. I asked, "Why can't I have both?" He said that obviously I'll never feel safe with him. AHHh, so there's the rub. Then he again accused me of cheating, lied about going to a new therapist(which he's not because I see the health insurance claims) and said, "How do you know I'm NOT?" At that point I just said, "Let's just get out of the car, go to the appointment, OK?" I dropped the rope!! I forced him to drop the rope, too! Don't know if that's a good thing but I didn't want another circular argument where he lies, makes up stuff about me, accuses me of things, etc.

He asked me, "Is this the best our marriage is going to get?" My answer? "For now, for today, this is what it is and I'm Ok with that." He wanted to know about the future. I told him I didn't have a crystal ball and can't predict the future so I am living in today. Yeah, he didn't like that one either. UGH. It was such a difficult and draining conversation and it only lasted 5 minutes!

I need serenity and soon!!!

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL .. i dont' laugh because i'm laughing at you, but because I get this and can vision in my mind but this afternoon with light humor and joy and compassion at being surrounded by the insanity ., You came to the Right place to vent .. thankfully you aren't just venting to a place, you are venting to others who understand as few can and who can help reason through the insanity (distorted angry confused baffling dumbfounded really ? type of thinking and behaviors) .. i realised some time back in the midst of my xabs family, that at any given moment I was doing the best I could with what was in me And surrounding me in any given moment .. what was in Them too =) sometimes it was ok and sometimes it was crazy lol .. I can laugh at this today .. another day ? who knows but i love the fact i can empathise today and see the humor of it .. humor ? joyful humor ? know .. recovery is insanely beautiful some days .. sounds like you are able to .. that's Also a gift ..

The reason i am So glad you are here is well because you are you and everyone is a gift and a blessing to us too, but it's also because when i was going mad by another asking me if i was going to go veagan at a burger restaurant LOL that's who I in my insanity would try to reason with .. really ?? this was My solution ? talk to Mr. Vegan ?? lol no criticism .. it just finally hit me one day that talking to the alcoholic and those who have been effected at times is Not what's going to lead Me to my sanity (clear thinking) and serenity .. but even in the insanity, it made sense i would try because the hurt came from them .. the insanity came from them .. the chaos came from them or so i thought .. sometimes my insanity came the second i opened my mouth to try to reason with Them instead of all of us in the fellowship .. today i try hard to choose another place .. otherwise it's like trying to literally reason with a drunk .. everythings funny, or mean, it's moody, doesn't make sense .. feely .. all about them and the defense, blame, criticism .. the effect on us is we'll go Nuts lol they get drunk .. we get thunk ..

there's a reading in the blue how alanon works that talks about not wanting to go out anymore and risk another public humiliation .. it used to mean the alcs to me .. i would be so embarrassed by His behavior .. later it came to mean me .. my public humiliation .. i kept putting myself in embarrassing situations with my alc .. it's ok to have boundaries that can change here and there .. deciding if it's in all of our best interest on any given day to include him or not at times .. limiting the amount of time spent with others, etc..

(((( good you know where to come for help !! )))).. alot of times i want a solution .. i forget and think it's in them .. good reminder for me too to remember it's Always and forever more in Me .. i still look out there sometimes .. but it's progress not perfection ..

-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 12th of February 2014 02:33:32 PM

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Smiles to you .. going to the accountant to talk about us .. i can so relate .. extra hugs for you !!! ))) after all my years what really surprised me most ? i was always surprised when he did these things .. that is for a long time .. after awhile it turned to a premeditated resenment because I Expected him to do it even when he didn't .. was rough .. i was harbouring alot .. i never could see his sickness or disease til he was gone over a year .. when i was in it, it was emotional mental physically toxic for me and entirely draining .. when my well went dry it stayed dry til i made it to face to face meetings and now here .. !

-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 12th of February 2014 02:42:07 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((ILD))) Your post resonates deja vu with me in a big way. Almost like my exAH passed the script to your husband. However parallel our journeys, your outcome is for you and your HP to determine. Your husband is almost laughable if you have enough distance and if the disease's harm weren't able to reach you or anyone else. It's interesting how they seem to drip the truth in with the craziness- I think this can create many tempting hooks for engagement. But it is what it is... a hook to reel you in and feed the disease. Your Mom got it, bless her heart! Your son is experimenting with limits, as all children do; however, he has added dimensions that many other children don't have. Children watch closely, so double good on how well you're working the program!!! Impressive!!!

My daughter is now 22 and still struggles with the deep wounds from each assault her ADad has made. I can't love them out of her. It is now her choice how she does or does not expose herself to her ADad's disease; she understands that it is a package deal.

Sending you prayers for continued wisdom, strength, courage, and serenity.

In support.

-- Edited by bud on Wednesday 12th of February 2014 03:40:08 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I wonder if it is more that you allow it to bother you? When someone has good self esteem, they would naturally ignore their bolony, or tell them to put a sock in it.....

Oh the vegie stuff, answer lightly maybe, Oh yea thats a good idea! OH YOU might be right. we can change how we take it. so we don'thave to worry about engaging.

Why do we care what an insane person says? Oh I like this one, oh sounds like a problem....and say nothing else. i can see the so? so? so?

thing too.

I loved your sticking to today. that is perfect.

lol I just reread your shares, he sounds like a four year old butting in, taking a shower with no modesty trying to get negative attention.

what he says does not matter or have any weight anyway so why would YOU want to engage? I am telling you when we are better, we do not care what they say or try to do, cuz we are busy working on ourselves!

Oh the fun I could have with comebacks with him....you could just sit down and watch. lol hugs honey, you are doing fine. Please do things for YOU.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

What drives me crazy is when we're in the car, there's no escape, and he repeats his questions and wears me down. Over and over again!

It's funny: the conversation lasted all of 10 minutes but I felt like it had been over an hour! Draining, to say the least!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi! You asked how not to engage. Although my Dad is not an A - he does have stroke induced progressive dementia. He does things that are similar to your AH. What is mostly troublesome for me is that at times he is very clear, very rational and seems like himself again. I've learned not to expect him to be that way every time we're together. I also remind myself that his brain isn't working well and can relax when he does and says things that are upsetting and not appropriate. They are a reflection on how his mind is working and isn't about me. I have learned I have to consciously relax when he is inappropriate and simply do whatever seems right at the time. If he is yelling out car windows inappropriately when we're on a drive, I don't drive in that particular location again. If he repeats something and asks me the same questions in a span of 10 minutes, I simply answer the question because I know he has forgotten that he has asked it. If he says things that seem outrageous at first, I ask him why he sees it that way. His answers are mind opening for me at times.

I've also realized that in some ways, my AS's mind works in similar ways to my Dad's mind. Although I have to limit my exposure to him when his mind is working in a way that is very detrimental to me and my recovery, I have gained a lot of patience in relationship to him and how his mind works. It helps me to remember with both of them that their minds are foggy and if they could think differently they would. That helps me keep my own sanity while at the same time letting them be who they are.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 12th of February 2014 08:39:24 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I have gone thru the "in the car" routine a couple of times however in program I learned to say..."pull over there or I'm pulling over there"...and when we do I get out and walk away. I don't say "I'm walking away"...I just do. I know how to get home I just don't want to go home sick and tired of being sick and tired and as a bonus the walk is usually good for me after I get rid of the grumbling resentments. LOL...HP likes the walk also. (((((Hugs))))) smile

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry, LOL! As much as I would like to do that, that would mean leaving him alone with MY car and letting him drive it illegally, since he is on the interlock restrictions. I did take a walk later that day with my mom and stepdad and son. We went on a beautiful hike where you could see not one house, in the middle of the desert. Saw a few cardinals, quail families, and even a coyote crossed our path. I found peace in a different way.

AH is being non-communicative again. It's amazing how he can turn his attitude and behaviors so quickly. UGH!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.