The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, the past couple of weeks I've come to accept that I'm married to an alcoholic, that I'm basically alone in this marriage, that he's going to do whatever the alcohol tells him, and I need to take care of my own needs. At first, I was devastated. Crying and sobbing, basically mourning what I've lost, and then furious for having this in my life, and having dealt with it for so long. I was better than this, I deserved better. I did everything I was supposed to do (go to school, go to college, graduate, get a job, get married, etc), and this somehow got added into the fine print. After my emotional dust settled, I now feel a very quiet strength. It's like a glowing ember in my chest, a sense of certainty. Yes, this is the way things are. So what are you going to do about it?
I went to my AlAnon meeting, like I said I would. When my AH relapsed into old habits, this acceptance gave me the strength to tell him "I don't care about your 'I'm sorry's, and I don't believe your 'I promise's. You want me to give you the benefit of the doubt? Prove it. Take actions to show me you're worth my trust." I also made it abundantly clear that not bringing home a paycheck is not an option - a dealbreaker, as is common lingo in my house (this is the 3rd day he hasn't been to work). Other than that, I'm taking care of me. I may not have the courage or strength to leave, but that's not always going to be the case.
I was hoping that he would be the shield to my sword, that we would walk into the battle of life together. Acceptance has allowed me to pick up the shield myself, allowed me to step back into the fray without a handicap. It has given me a wholeness that I was missing.
I am right there with you both. But the switch in my brain finally turn on.....I had heard all the stories at my f2f group for months now but wondered how it all fell into place. Well, my recently relapsed AH was sitting there and I said, hey take the dog outside will ya? and he replied "You can't make me do anything". That's all it took....switch to on.......detachment, and on with my life (left him to himself and God) and took the kids out for fun at the movies. Been going forward ever since...... even with him falling backwards.
Where will this lead...don't know yet. But I am tired of the old way....need the new for me........ and my kids need me too.
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
I can sooo relate to your share, SA. And yes, it's all about acceptance. Once I realized that my AH had a drinking problem that was affecting me and our family, I started going to Al-Anon meetings. After this awareness, it took me three years of trying to learn to take care of me, to accept the state of our marriage and to accept that my AH was not going to choose to stop drinking, and then to take action. (also know as Al-Anon's "3 A's." I ended up separating from him once all of our kids were "out of the nest," and eventually filed for divorce. He died of his disease before our divorce was final. I don't regret the decisions I made and I'm glad that I did not rush to make them either. Sending you lots of ESH!
I can relate! Your acceptance step is HUGE. I had a hard time letting go that things were not rolling out how I envisioned. Keep doing the next right thing and keep taking good care of you.
Really love the very fashionable one shouldered suit of armor and would like to place an order for one!!!
before al anon I too wanted my partner to be my shield and he was so ill god love him he couldn't even be his own shield let alone mine. Therefore I had to accept this and take the action to look after myself.
Today my partner is sober and working a programme, however I have learnt that my true shield is my relationship with my Hp , I am responsible for myself if my alcoholic is drinking or not, a valuable lesson.
When I accepted my powerlessness step 1 I began to get a more manageable life.
