Feeling The lost - Al-Anon Family Group

hopes314 · Senior Member

Feeling The lost

hopes314 · Senior Member

This is so hard because this is the person that keeps me in denial. Not the mean crazy ah.
Why am I having such a hard time letting go?
I know if he doesn't stop drinking this will kill him. Maybe I feel responsible.
I am so drained from each time he says he has stopped drinking to only find out that it is not true.

I am scared to be on my own by myself with 3 small kids and I am scared of being attached to my AH. He is already calling in sick on Monday from his new job. I need to get as much money as I can before it is gone.

I can't believe my father in law says the marriage is my problem. He said ifiI make a contract to make sure I give my husband sex he will stop drinking. I didn't know I was the cure to stop drinking. This is so wrong wrong wrong. I am not the problem and I am not a sex slave. The man has cheated on me so many times with other women.
I am so lucky that I found alnon. I would have believed this crap that I make my husband drink because I don't give sex to a cheating man.
This is the ugly person that has taken over.
It still makes it so hard to leave because I want hope.
But because I want it so bad will not make him stop drinking. Nothing will.
Although the logic only head wants to believe for him to change.
I have to be strong and focus on protecting me and the kids.

It feels like I am grieving the relationship of a person that barely existed in my life. I do not know this evil person who has taken his place. I donor trust this person. I keep thinking I want the other person back. I am so scared of this ugly scary person who is mean and loud.

I don't want this but it is living with me. The only way to be safe is that I need to be legally free of him.
I am detaching.
But so sad at the same time.
What do you do??? Do I keep telling myself this person is not my responsibility anymore. Why do I feel like I am going to kill him with this divorce? Nobody will be around him to call 911when he slowly killing himself by drinking himself to death.
I have a hard time detaching myself from this..why do I feel this way??
I feel like I am leaving him to die???
This is the feeling I am having a hard time with
Alcoholism is killing our family and I know what is in store for him if he doesn't stop drinking. It will kill him. Do I think he doesn't know or care that alcohol will kill him eventually.
I don't want to know this . This is so hard to leave knowing his fate...
It breaks my heart.
This is a double edge sword.
I have to leave someone I love..but where is he he is gone but it doesn't make it easier. This disease hurts so much..
How do I get out of this thinking?
Hope

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I look at it as saving myself .. my stbax has his own path to walk with his HP .. I am not it. I can get better, work my program and so on it is not going to fix him .. he has to do what he needs to do.

I also had to stop asking the "why" question .. why did it happen, why does he do what he does, why won't he get better, why and fill in the blank .. the why questions for me left me in a place of being a victim and yes I was victimized by some of the situations I went through I am not a victim and that took a long time for me to come to that conclusion.

I started asking the what questions and have gotten to the one why question that applies to me .. why do I do what I do. What can I do differently. What do I have control over. What can I let go of. When I changed that perspective I have been able to let go of a lot .. I still have far to go .. at least now though .. it's MY journey and it has almost stopped being about what he is or isn't doing because it really doesn't matter why he does what he does .. it only matters why I do what I do.

I hear people talk about they love them .. I loved my stbax although pretty much it was stomped out by the end of it all (not to be depressing .. LOL) .. that is not a healthy well love and if I'm going to love love someone to the point I loose me .. that is not a good love. I need to love myself that much and allow others the grace and dignity to find their way. I'm in love with the fantasy of what I think they can be .. so their potential of what they could be .. I'm not in love with the person they are showing me to be.

So it was a very slow process for me and I started small .. going to meetings, sponsor, finding out who I am now .. I also decided to do therapy and I have been highly blessed with an outstanding therapist .. he kicks my butt from time to time and gives me food for thought big time. It has taken me 2 years, going back twice (at least the second time I knew within 24 hours it was very temporary and I knew I outgrew him), to really start to go hmm .. I'm really starting to be OK .. and I choose not to stop growing.

Gratitude lists, notes on the mirror, positive things everywhere to remind me I have worth and what I thought was love for me was very sick thinking. Yes, he's the father of my kids .. that's about it at this point. I'm still in the throws of divorce so I haven't fully healed yet. I have much better tools to deal with these situations though and I am happy with where I am. It's not perfect .. it's ok .. it's MY journey and I feel good about that. :)

Hugs S :)

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hopes

You are not alone. I went to a lawyer and the first time I realized I wasn't ready, that was ok. I got serious about my program of recovery and that was way better than ok. Months later I went back because I was ready and healthier. There's no harm in getting some information. Going to a lawyer doesn't mean you will even necessarily end up divorced, but you may feel some more strength as you get more information for yourself.

Keep taking care of yourself, coming here and to meetings. We are all here with you.

Mary

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I never wanted to end my relationship with my partner but I could not live with the diease anymore and it was not good for my kids.

So I asked him to leave explaining my reasons. I kept contact but put myself into my recovery and managing my life and left him to his.

To cut a long story short he went to Aa we are now back together and both in programme, this choice is yours no one can advise there is always hope but we have to take care of ourselves until they decide wheather or not to take care of their part.

hugs tracy xxxx

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In life we all have times of being scared badly. for me the learning to do one thing at a time helped so much.

I made a list in the morn of what I had to do and what I could do. I did it then I rested, did whatever let it alll go. we can only do so much.

I raised my two babies alone as a widow. You will find the strong person you are inside. I am telling you, you will find out so many things about yourself, great things!

Your kids will feel so safe with you becuz they know you won't allow anyone to hurt them!

saying I was shocked by your fil telling that is putting it mildly! How dare he talk to you that way. As far as your husbands character, sounds like he has a reason for it.

If you are feeling afraid about abuse you may want to contact adult and family services for help for domestic abuse. My experience is my daughter had a bad time with her babies father, the county paid to move her to another city and paid for her new home.

It sounds like you need support, this is a lot to take on alone. I do encourage you to talk to friends you trust or your religious organization or like i said, the department of human services where you are. I did this when I was younger and needed help as a young widow.

You are welcome to pm us if you need to. You can always pm me if you need help finding places to call for help or whatever.

I am sooooo glad you found us! Please come back, we honestly care very much. I am so proud of you for protecting your children!

debilyn, sincerely!!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hope we in no way know their fate. My ex AH who i loved so very much shoulda died a loooong time ago.Some A's can have amazing longivity for all they do.

Hon we love our A's! but sadly the man we loved is not there anymore. for me I had to tell myself the man I loved most my life was dead. this horrible mean person is NOT that sweet guy I loved and loved me.

Of course you are torn, shows how much you loved him. It's also hard to face there is no hope too. I can tell you when they abuse that has nothing to do with being an addict. they have the tendancy to be abusive becuz they are abusers.

for me sitting down and making a plan helped.

You will feel sick, guts feel horrible. ya wonder if it will ever get better. believe me it does. when you move out, or he leaves the calm, you will experience with your kids will be so amazing.

they won't be all jumpy and scared and neither will you.

I wanted to write again to support you as far as your loving him. I dearly love the husband he used to be. but when I learned even though he could get on a strong program of recovery again, he could and probably would relapse. and the monster would be back. NO way was I ever going thru that again. I have been alone, out of choice, around twelve years this time. believe me I do not regret stopping the insanity I had to live with.

hugs again! debilyn

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