Escalation - Al-Anon Family Group

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Escalation

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((El-Cee))))...been there and done that and have an invitation to go back and then "NO!" is a complete sentence now and part of higher awareness for me. If you go back to where and when you were "working it and it was working for you" and you get back to duplicating that which worked, you will get your peace of mind and serenity back. I don't think you would allow me or any other guy to invade your life and abuse you. Put your son back on that list nad turn it over. When my son was calling me and telling me he got beat up and/or stabbed and was in the hospital I learned to ask him "What was it that you did to get there"? and then I turned back to my life.

It cannot escalate without your permission and help I was taught. Its okay to stop participating. He might just get clean and sober and have a good life. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh el cee I wish I could sit and support you.

It has to be so horrible to have a child of ours in such trouble.

We know we can control nothing.If you have set up boundaries and consequences I encourage you to act on them and mean it.

He needs you to be hard on him, that is the only way we can help him. We have to be louder than his disease!!! It is calling him, begging him, promising him anything to get him to use!

We have to be strong and not allow it to make us be weak.

So we focus on you. Have you set up boundaries? ex: I will not have you in my home when you are actively using. so you have to be prepared to change the locks. say NO to him. Its up to you.

Its a hard concept to accept that we must be tough with them when they are sick! When we make it easy for them, giving them a place to rest and get up and use some more, it defeats our purpose. He needs to feel as miserable as he can to stop. He has to be sick enough of the disease to do anything to stop.

The disease is toying with you and breaking you down.

So what we do is think about how we can take care of us in this crises. Change the locks, if he breaks in call the police. If he is scaring you that is abuse, call the police he is not safe to be around.

He needs you to say NO. lock him out. stick to your telling him to leave. I invite you to tell him you mean it, get your stuff and go.

NOTHING you say is going to kill him hon it is NOT in your control. It is a real posibility. I am telling you these A's seem to have nine lives.

Even if he did get into something dumb it is not your fault, you cannot save him no matter what you do. the only way you can really help him is stick to your word. He needs you to show you are stronger than the disease.

I put my son out too. Not for drugs, for not getting out there and finding a job, school whatever. I wanted to die, it was so hard. Its the best thing I ever did. My son is a very strong man now. amazing person.

for them to find that person inside them, we must cut them off. sending you so much love and prayers! please if you have friends or family face to face, please consider going to them so you are not alone. debilyn

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry El-cee

I know how you feel.....I'm going through a crisis myself. I just got off the phone with my son's father. He is done too and my son is going to be homeless. They are trying to get him into a metal health facility but he won't go. He is getting Librium some somewhere and is taking so much he sleeps for 5 days straight. His father is livid. He is always in a state of drunk. He's hurting himself and fighting now. Punching walls in his fathers house....something he has never done before. It's getting worse....the disease is progressing.

El-cee.....you are in my prayers my friend. You are not alone here we are here for you.

((( hugs ))))

Pamela1954 · Member

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know what you are oing through. I feel I will be in the same position also in the not so distant future. My son is not working the program. The counselor said not to interfere and we try not to. He has only been back from rehab little over a month. I know I have to get him out of the house, eventually.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to take care of me by not taking care of my son, el cee. I know how hard that sounds when you are looking into the face of a very, very sick person who is also your son. We wonder why they just can't take the easy way of it - why they seem to want the hard way and there really are no answers for that question that I could ever figure. With each infraction of a boundary, a bigger one took its place. One night, I could just feel the fight - the desire to help him - leave my body. I was limp inside from trying so hard to help and seeing that all it did was help him act meaner and more arrogant. That night I was sure that the only one who was going to change in our relationship was me. And so, I went to sleep and when I awakened, I knew what I needed to do - for me.

You've hit a rough place. You can make it through this one and you'll be stronger for it.

heythere · Veteran Member

Oh el-cee, I've been thru the same thing. Addict son was put out of the house multiple times for stealing from us, for rehab, for abusing pills. Each time we allowed him to come home, good behavior for a period of time and then returning to the bad behaviors, each time worse. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results..complete insanity. We so wanted to help him, but we kept bending the boundaries. He just took total advantage.

I will raise my hand and claim most of the responsibility, my husband was done after the 2nd trip home, but I persuaded him otherwise. So ashamed of myself for enabling for as long as I did, but I just didn't know better. And even now that I do, sometimes it's hard to say no. But those "no's" have given me my sanity back. He has been out of the house for 2 years, a night here and there he is allowed home, but he will never return home full-time.

What parent isn't seduced by the idea of having their "child" back after the trials of alcoholism and addiction. I know I have become jaded, but I would still love to have a happy ending to the nightmare. You have been working at this for much longer than I have, I'm sure you can get back up on your feet and get some boundaries back in place.

They scare us with their threats and behavior. A few weeks ago he wanted me to come get him because he had lost his id & wallet and back pack had been stolen. I would not do it.he found a ride home. When I saw him a couple of days later, it looked like his face had been used to mop the asphalthe said he got jumped. What really happened? Drugs, and I have absolutely no control over him, the drugs, any of it. I can only control what I do and you can too.

So sorry you are going thru this, but you have plenty of support here. ((((hugs))))

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(( el-cee )) you are not failing .. all your hard work so far is not waisted .. sometimes we need to learn everything about living with alcoholism before we can fully appreciate living with recovery .. all part of the learning .. we never go back to the beginning .. you haven't either .. the wisdom we learned cannot ever be erased .. we still have growth .. we have a disease too .. i get surprised by them And by me ..

gotta be hard because i know the intelligence piece in us knows what we Should do .. but somehow we don't always Feel we can do it .. hence the powerless piece .. sounds like his coming back was a good solution for him to supporting his habit .. we teach people how to treat us .. it takes courage to change .. i had to tell myself everyday just about for a long time working through recovery .. positive change doesn't come without chaos .. he has to have some pain if he is ever to have a need for anything greater than himself and others .. he needs hp. fear of what ifs kept me frozen .. fear was used on me quite a bit .. (manipulation) .. the disease is stronger than me .. but not stronger than me .. the fellowship and hp working together .. <-- have to keep reminding myself that ..

boundaries can change and be flexible .. it's ok to have him leave .. it's ok to see him on occasion too if we are feeling ok with it .. we can distance without distancing the love .. love is an action .. even when i work the steps, god doesn't spare me from feeling the effects of my own behavior .. he loves me too much to rob me of the experience .. also recognising we literally learn the wisdom (through experience) to know the difference when we ask .. from living with the disease i learn the chaos .. from living with hp i learn serenity .. the difference between hp and me .. even receiving the wisdom isn't just a poof .. as i once believed ..

anger is fear .. it's like the alcs ' secretly sometimes know they are screwing up but they can't admit it and leads to theirs and our insanity .. ((( keep sharing .. we're here ))) you are never alone even when it feels like it !! ..

hopes314 · Senior Member

El
I understand I hate this family disease. It takes the person we love into someone else.
I can't do it anymore. It breaks my heart and breaking me at the same time.
I had to give mine to my HP to take care of him. I had to let go and let God..God can do the impossible. This problem is not bigger than God.

Please get so much love and support from alnon who understands how hard this is for you.

My heart goes out to you.. hugs..
Hope

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you everyone, you dont know what your word mean, im reading and its all true, I feel it.
Ive woke up and I know what I need to do to be louder than the disease. I need to keep my door locked, he has no keys, and not open it, keep saying no and when he gets abusive hang up phone or if need be call police to remove him from the front door. Thats the next right thing, thats what my higher power says, you guys say, my sponsor, somewhere in my brain even knows. its probably not even that hard to do, may take a few days of saying no, maybe 1 police call before he gets the message. Less drama than him being here probably. I cant speak to him, il say no, I love you, you can do it, goodbye. These should be my only words, hang up, dont answer the door. Thats it. The time is now.
Please allow me to have the strength for this simple plan, conversations, discussions, seeing him, hearing about him, then its over for me and him. Il cave in and we will start again. Please pray for me to have what it takes, even if only for the next few days.

The words in my head that counteract are he will get agressive and upset and scare my elderly neighbours by shouting, maybe kicking doors, etc. He will hurt himself in some way, directly or indirectly, although hes hurting bad right now anyway. He will spend the night outside and die of hyperthermia, again unlikely, he can get help if he accepts he really needs it. If I show any signs of weakness he will wait it out till I cave in. My younger son, will let him in when im at work, if hes in then thats when I dont know what to do to get him out, im scared to call police in case he gets violent.

These fears though are not as bad as living with him. If my neighbours complain and im evicted then maybe my hp wants me to have a fresh start. My son is intelligent, resourceful, his life needs to begin without me. I am an enabler.
Thank you for being here. I will keep you up to date. It might help me to own it.x

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe you can warn the elderly neighbors this might happen? If they already know what is going on, and they sense a change in you, they must just be supportive. Just a thought.

I think what you have outlined sounds like a good plan. And from having seen lots of posts here, I'm sure you can do it, but will pray to HP anyway because it's always a god thing to get strength from HP!

Kenny

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Elcee - You are powerless over him, his behavior, his addiction and the hard lessons he needs to learn. This isn't your fault and I'm sure you have been a good mom. He's grown now and it's okay to let go. You didn't do a bad job raising him and that's not why he acts the way he does. I suspect your guilt or somehow thinking you caused it, can reparent him, make up for lessons not learned, has you going back to this well of insanity to keep drinking from it. It's okay but letting go of your sons disease also means letting go of the unrealistic shame you might have regarding how he grew up and became what he is.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

El-cee, I don't know if this will be helpful or not. I have been unraveling perfectionism for me. Applying this tendency of perfectionism to my mothering skills, when my kids are suffering, my default is to go back into my history (or present) and look at where I (this is my crazy blankstare ) messed up. Now, I can interrupt that process and practice uplifting myself, letting go, letting be, whatever it takes to not suffer. I get myself to a place of peace as quickly as I can by using my al anon tools and other processes I have available to me. And I know it will happen again and the process starts anew. Then I get to practice again. I have been affirming to me that I am imperfect and I am enough, perhaps it is a useful affirmation for you, too....Take good care.

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

I agree with the idea of letting the neighbors know what may happen. I'm praying for you and your family. I truly believe you are doing the right thing.

oldergal · Senior Member

I called the police on my son more than once because I could not handle him. It was the right thing to do, because then he knew I meant business I wasnt going to take it anymore. Progress is we move forward a few steps and then maybe cave and then pick ourselves up again and move forward and just keep on moving in the right direction. Perfection is maybe when you bake a pie or a cake and it comes out perfect! Perfect is for Saints...!! Be humble enough to know you will make mistakes and that is usually how we learn. You can do this I know you are a strong woman El-cee. With hope and prayers maybe when he is spending the night in jail, just maybe he might think about how he got there and does he want to do more of this! Thinking of you everyday, and sending up prayers........og

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you, ive been rereading here, went to a meeting and asked for help, truly felt the fellowship, the support, was told by one woman she would be with me in the middle of the night if I need it. They say the same as you guys. I believe, but cant sustain it yet. Ive been praying, my hp is with me, ive been talikng, reading, listening, been quiet. Hes not turned up yet. The panic is leaving me. Im going to keep my program close and stepped up. Taking my books to work. Cant thank you enough.x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

aww

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