New, Dealing with AH he makes me feel so crazy - Al-Anon Family Group

Dia and 5 · Newbie

New, Dealing with AH he makes me feel so crazy

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

Welcome Dia :) You are in good company here. I can really relate to your situation, and you will find many situations on here you can relate to. There is a great book called Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews available on Amazon. It really has saved my sanity.
There is so much hope for you and your children to look forward to.
Keep coming back :)

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Dia! I have experienced much of what you are relating here from my alcoholic wife. And she has experienced much of what your AH is getting from me. It really is a crzy, vicious cycle, isn't it? And yes, I know that pain.

My alcoholic wife is 90 days sober, and doing well. The bullying I got from my A, that wasn't her. I knew her. But she has a disease that makes her irrational. The disease lives for itself, and will do anything it can to get more to drink. It will yell, deny, bully, occasionally be nice, put me in my place, all to get that next drink. My AW would make promises that she very likely meant to keep while she was sober, then get crazy drunk and not be able to carry it out, or not be able to remember after a blackout. I got my AW and me tickets to a concert of our favorite band ever. She wound up drunk that day, and I was so flustered that I missed it too.

And if there weren't grains of truth in there that she would yell at me when she was sobering up, it wouldn't be so hard to see the craziness. Yes, I was a nag. yes, I didn't believe her on almost ANY topic any more. No, I didn't trust her, not with anything. Yes, I was a complete killjoy, walking around in a grumpy mood all the time. And I would yell back, "well, who wouldn't be?"

The answer: me when I practice Al Anon recovery. When she went into inpatient treatment the second time after her second DUI, she got serious, and so did I. She hasn't drank since, and I listened to her counselors, and I have changed a lot of behaviors.

But guess why I changed my behaviors? for me! I got to the point that it didn't matter if she sobered up, I had to take care of me. Somebody has to get our 13 year old son through school, and lead his boy scout troop. Somebody has to be able to pay the bills. And I have to be able to do it while not being in a grumpy cloud because of my horrible circumstances. So, drunk or not, I am in Al Anon, and I feel like it is saving my life.

The tools are great, but more importantly, the fellowship is wonderful. here you will realize that there are people who won't judge you. You won't believe it for awhile, but it's true. We've all been through different, yet eerily similar stories. And we give each other Experience, Strength and Hope.

I am so glad I did this, and I hope you can keep up the courage to be able to do it too. You will feel a little unsure of yourself walking into the first meeting, but you will leave even the first meeting armed with new educational materials, and people who really want you to make a difference!

I agree with Raven, Getting Them Sober is a great book to get, You can buy hardcopies or get on Kindle.

Thanks for coming, and keep coming back!

Peace
Kenny

jillybean1 · Senior Member

Dear Dia and 5,
You have just described my life. The man I married would not act in this way but alcoholism took him over and has been guiding him for awhile now. Everything your AH has said, mine has as well (and more). I separated the two personalities : my old nice husband who didn't drink --- and the new one that I call "Al", Al is not nice and not someone I want to be around. He doesn't care about anything except his next drink and is mean, nasty selfish, he tells me that I hate him. If I hated him I would not be in this situation because someone who treats me like this would be gone in less than one second. The problem is that I love my AH and so do our kids. Herein lies the problem. I always wanted a quick solution because I don't want the kids to live like this, but this in not a quick fix-----it is a long road. I am now learning that I have to find out how much I can deal with living like this before I change it.

I have been married 22 years we have 2 kids (17 and 12). My AH has threatened to disappear, bankrupt us, max out the credit cards, pay for sex when I refuse to be with him while he is drunk, kill himself if I divorce him (the list goes on). He tried to detox twice, went to therapy, did a rehab, relapsed right away when he got home and is now actively dinking in the house and distrupting the entire household. He is ( in spite of me trying to concentrate on myself and the kids) demanding attention and following me around the house trying to make me miserable. Normally I would be going nuts and screaming yelling crying and all manner of getting myself sick over his behavior. Instead I am relatively calm, I come here and read (mostly) and go to my f2f meetings. I calmly explain to my kids that their dad is sick and hopefully will get better some day.

He was told yesterday by our therapist that he needs more treatment because he has been thru a lot of counseling, he knows the consequences and yet continues to drink. My AH said he would think about it, try to be a better person and get a job. I am at a point where I believe this is not enough for me.......... but I have not made a decision yet. I don not think I can take much more with the active drinking. I am exhausted.

Even with all the stuff my family is going thru, Al-Anon did make me stronger. ((break out in Carrie Underwood song------"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....")) Strong is good. Brave is good. Happy is good. Positive is good. Calm is good. Life is good. It can all be good if you work on yourself.

Oh, yes that Getting Them Sober book is good. I have hope that my AH will be sober one day (don't know if I will be with him when it happens,) but that is my hope for him because I love him and always will.

I wish you and your kids the best!!!

hopes314 · Senior Member

I am going through what you are going through. I have 3 small children. I have been with Ah over 16 years. He has progressly got worst.
Alnon will help you so much. It is a program for you to recover. I have been distressed since march where my Ah is drunk everyday. Everything is painful. The women at alnon helped me so much. Alnon gives You tools to cope with the A.
I have tried my hardness to cope with my AH. He stopped for maybe a month to get a job but I see the signs he is trying hard to hide. He is drinking again.
He got a new job 4 states away and we are in the process of moving.
I have made the decision that I can not live in this crazy life anymore. I don't even want to be around him as he recovered which is worst. He will not go to any AA meetings.
I have accepted that he is an AA and it is time to let go and let God take care of him. I am going to file for divorce. I am in for the ride of my life but I am trusted in God to carry me on this journey. I know I will be OK..
I know for to move up where he works is so isolated from everyone. My gut instinct from the beginning says font do it. I have fought myself so long to stay with the AA but I am not living as a person anymore. All I do I'd get obsessed in his drinking world. I am sucked into the addict world..
Both choices I have no idea what my future will be. But at least I better get what money I have left to rebuild my life.
You will know what to do when you hit your bottom.
For today just try to do the next right thing.
And run to alnon meeting.
Hope

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

It was amazing to me 8 years ago that my AH got drunk and started calling me names. It came out of no where. At that point I did not really know (denial) he was drinking like that because I was working full time and busy. Then he got his first DUI. It started coming together. I went to Al-anon meetings and he was angry. I remember he was staring me down when I left for my first meeting. It was scary to go into new territory, but such a relief. Over the past 8 years he had another DUI. In our state if you have 3 DUI's in 10 years you face prison time - 1,500 hours up to 5 years. I am trying very hard to detach and not argue. If he wants to argue I will just walk away. I think for me it is the name calling and the lying that is the hardest to forget and forgive. He brings stuff up about my past. Mind you we have been together over 36 years and everybody has a past. He once told me I was lucky that he picked me to marry him. Lucky! Really. I too think about what is going on way too much and need to dig in and really get myself together. I do work a part time job and when I am there I am busy and just do not think about him or his problems which helps my sanity. I just see so many options out there for people who are alcoholics and drug addicts. Very hard to deal with for all involved.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

dia, welcome. I want to share first, nothing he has said means anything. It is no different than if he had a fever and was talking like this, he does not mean it. You surely would not believe a fever talking.

Well this abuse is his disease talking. He is saying the same thing they all do. It is one of the symptoms of the disease. Yes meetings for sure. the books recommended are great. volume one of getting them sober..

When I learned my Ah was very sick with addiction, that it is a disease, I changed. I felt compassion. I was able to ignore all the bolony coming out of his mouth.

Our bodies need a tremendous amount of water. when people drink they saturate their organs with alcohol. Not only does it destroy tissue, it can damage it forever. Their brains cannot work properly at all.

As they keep drinking more and more of their body breaks down. they cannot hold their job, they drive drunk, get dui's, they cannot be responsible for the bills, they lose homes, families. Most will still drink. Its a horrible disease that talks to them all the time, making them crave whatever they use.

We have many who protect themselves from the disease. They put money back just in case they need to take the kids and leave. they make a plan as to how and what they will do when and if they decide to leave.

It does not matter if he is drinking or not. Kids are going to grow up on eggshells and jump as they never know what is going to happen next. they thrive on routine, a serene home, I know you know this.

We get to mixed up in their disease madness we forget what normal is. We have to face, this is NOT how i want to raise my precious kids. That is each of our choice.

first time my A lost his temper when we were separated. I grabbed the kids, dog and cat we went to the neighbors in our jammies. I got a restraining order and did not see him for ten years.

My kids are stronger for it. me too.

we at mip will support you and others with whatever choices you make.

they hate al anon becuz they don't want you to know the truth, and the disease beats you down to control you. A's have very low self esteem. they try to blame you to make themselves feel better. this is all the diseases work. NOT your husbands.

Please, NO you are not crazy, NO you are not to blame for anything.

what I did was stop listening or give the bolony any thought or energy. I used to say, hmm you might be right, or oh how sad for you. His disease is NONE of my business, it is totally up to him to figure that out.

You have five precious babies to raise, they need you to be strong and there. they are looking to you to know how to deal with this. Daddy is very sick. they will all think it is their fault too.

please keep coming. You are in a very very hard place, we are reaching out to you! sending you love,debilyn

Dia and 5 · Newbie

Thank you all who took the time to read and had words to respond. It is helpful. Today I wrote a letter to my husband. I did not send it. I just don't think he will care. I just can't see how he can say things and not feel any remorse. I hear you all say it is a disease, but is there no person left? I am a stay at home mom. I home school. 10yr , 8yr, 6 yr, 5 yr and 3 yr. Today I took a mental health day and we did no school. I also have a photography business that I started up three years ago. I do get enjoyment out of it , though it can be hard to get all the kids situated for a job. It's very part time. I guess I am saying this because all bills are on him. Also my nerves are shot, schooling is becoming very hard. I just can't see how he would keep choosing alcohol over us. He is becoming a huge contradiction to the values we are trying to instill in the kids. Saturday after the confrontation in the car, we went to his brothers house. His two brothers were drinking and he did not. For a while I was almost thinking... he hears me! He lasted pretty long. I could tell he was making a point to not drink since he was having water. But after dinner he did go to the fridge and get a beer. I thought.. couldn't even last one night.
I will try to get that book, my local library does not have it. Sorry I am all over the place with this quick reply.

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