New here...worried about my daughter - Al-Anon Family Group

marieanne · Newbie

New here...worried about my daughter

MorningGlory · Veteran Member

Welcome Marieanne
You are exactly where you need to be for YOU, this is a warm place where you can learn how to be joyful despite what she does or doesn't do. Glad you had the courage to sign in, keep coming back.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you are planning on attending Al-Anon meetings for you. As a mother of a self-admitted adult addict and alcoholic, I know how it feels to experience our own powerlessness. When grandchildren are involved, things get even harder for us. The meetings I attend also have other parents and grandparents who are going through the same things you have detailed in your share. Although Al-Anon is for us and not so we can help get our loved ones get sober, we gain an understanding of this disease and ways that we can better our own lives whether or not our loved one stops drinking. The best way to help our adult children and our grandchildren is to take good care of ourselves. Al-Anon is one of the ways - sometimes the most important way - we can take good care of ourselves without enabling the disease to continue its destructive progression. Please keep coming back here, too.
Loads of support.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 10th of February 2014 11:11:57 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Marieanne...after you get thru looking into Al-Anon go as quickly as you can one day at a time. Go as often as you can over the next 90 days before trying to decide for yourself how you will proceed. We don't give advise in Al-Anon cause it isn't for us to tell others what to do considering all of the mistakes we have made in this disease. We will tell you what worked for us and thats all we know about what has worked ...for us. I, by the grace of a power greater than myself found the doors of Al-Anon a while back and that saved the life I was planning on ending just before I made the call. It has been said in our program that "God will do for us what we cannot (and often willnot) do for ourselves. Al-Anon was the start of a miracle and Miracles in Progress is the continuation. I am also glad you have found us. More of the family will be coming up to share with you. Please listen. Please follow thru. (((((hugs))))) smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Welcome.. Maybe something that you read here or your experience at in person Alanon meetings will keep you coming back. Your concerns are real and very much understood here. If nothing else, Alanon meetings may help you feel less alone with what's happening in your family. You may find new solutions through the shares of others that might be helpful. From personal experience, it took time and a willingness to keep coming to meetings to understand about things such as boundaries and detachment and that selfishness can actually be a good thing - all things if practiced in balance can keep me sane and reasonably content. "I came, I came to, I came to believe."

In support

TT

marieanne · Newbie

Thank you all for your kind support. One of my questions was "What should I have done when I saw her ordering a drink?" I see by one reply that you do not give advice, but if it were you watching your child drink, what would you have done? Get up and leave? Tell them how you feel? What? Obviously I said nothing, but I really wanted to yell at her and walk out. I am so disappointed in her. Am I an enabler by not saying anything?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Marieanne

Saying nothing is your best bet. She is a grown adult and you have no control over her. You have to set your boundaries and if you don't like what you see you have to change. It's sad I know but we can only take care of ourselves. I have a ASon that is active and I'm sick about it but I can't do anything about it. I can only take care of me. What happens happens in life

Your not alone my friend so keep coming back and you will learn

(((( hugs ))))

marieanne · Newbie

Thank you Cathyinaz. And thank everyone for their support. It is much appreciated.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

A slogan - say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. If you are bothered by her drinking you are allowed to communicate that with her, I do with AW when she does. But part of the dang say it mean for me is not to nag. Either she gets it or she doesn't, and interminable separating won't make it any clearer to her.

You will love Al Anon, you will find so many other people with similar stories. It truly is amazing how much of the world is suffering from alcohol.

Peace
Kenny

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

When i first came to alanon, i came because of a relationship i was trying to fix .. i showed up looking for answers to bring recovery to Him .. i even left for awhile when i coudln't fix him .. but later when i recongised My obsession on him and how i had thought of nothing else and nothing at all about me .. i Knew it was time to return .. this time i could see My problem: obsession .. control .. fix .. cure .. change .. etc .. alanon taught me i can't control change cure anyone but myself and even that happens by being willing to come to alanon and learn about me .. one day at a time .. how i am effected ..

I do remember when dealing with him though .. my First mistake was assuming we Both knew there was a problem .. For the alcoholic, alcohol is Not the problem, it's the solution. It is what sometimes even keeps them alive; they can avoid having to deal with pain in themselves, it gives them the happiness they can't find on their own .. eases their already planted guilt, fear, etc .. They are already empty so alcohol doesn't take from them, it gives to them (or so they think) So .. that being said .. when i come along and say let's talk feelings and solutions .. I become the problem by messing with Their Solution ..

On the Other hand .. I have a solution Too .. Just get them to stop drinking and I will be fine .. when they come along drinking, it interferres with my Solution and then it becomes a problem ..

True enough alcoholism is fearful .. it's a disaese that kills .. the power behind the addiction is hard to kick .. it's hard on Us too and can be just as toxic .. We also feel the power behind the addiction as we end up powerless over the effects on us .. (confusion, fear, worry, anxiety, obsession and more )

Finding alanon will be a great tool for you .. steps work if we are willing to show, learn, share, and use them ..

there is also a 24/7 website .. www.stepchat.com there should be someone there 24/7 or at least close to that to talk to always .. online meetings as well .. meetings here too .. the schedule will show on front page .. ((( Keep coming back !!! ))) nothing wrong in asking what to do for her .. Real question is .. what could you do for you in a situation like that to help You .. the only one you can ..

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome, you have stumbled onto a great place!

Their disease is their business. We can do nothing anyway, totally up to them. As parents it is so darn hard. But this disease needs us to be tough, we are to do nothing for them they can do for themselves.

Bringing it up will only alienate them from you. She has to figure it all out.

I am glad you did not strangle her as I doubt that would have helped you to see your grandkids! (c:

sometimes we get in the darkness so far we forget we can still love them, enjoy them. they are not their disease.

its not our problem, so we are grateful for what we have with them while we do!

Keep coming!!

OT71 · Member

There is something you can do to help your daughter get sober. The Alanon book "One Day At A Time" states (And I can never remember the page) the way to get an alcoholic sober is to love them just the way they are. It doesn't mean accepting unacceptable behavior but to love the person and hate the disease. I need to hear this as I have a grand daughter whom I believe has a drinking problem. It's not easy for me but I'm working on it.
Good Luck.

marieanne · Newbie

OT71...Thank you for that simple explanation. It helps a great deal. <3

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.