Not sure what to do about my husbands drinking. - Al-Anon Family Group

Summersun · Member

Not sure what to do about my husbands drinking.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP!

Alcoholism is a baffling disease, you can't cure it, control it, or change it. However, you (and your child) can learn tools that will help you exist alongside this disease, and stay off the roller coaster that this can be in our lives.

Read all the alanon literature (getting them sober, toby rice drew) ...and read lots of old posts here. I also found the step work board helpful...I didn't always post, but worked the steps in a journal. This community was a lifesaver for me, because I live in a very rural area, and there are no meetings except for an hour away.

Alanon groups are almost everywhere, and like this community, all of us (and them) are affected by addiction in some way. It helps so much to be with people who have been there...I have gotten so much experience, strength, and hope from the folks on this board. You are not alone.

Keep coming back,

RP

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Everyone has jobs and a stressful schedule is more reason for a "normal" person to drink LESS. Not saying you need to do or say anything because Alanon is about you and for you, but only alcoholics will tell you they can't stop drinking because work is too stressful. It won't help you to buy that either. Not saying you need to call him out on that. It is what it is though.

4evatheoptimist · Member

Hi Summersun. My first post was only yesterday so I'm a newbie too. My situation is much much different to yours. It's my dad who is an alcoholic but thankfully we don't have to live with him. I have a husband and a daughter and I don't allow my dad near my daughter if he has been drinking. What is surprising to me when people talk about their partners/spouses alcoholism, I often think if that was my husband I'd leave him, but would I actually leave him?? I have thought about this the last few hours after reading so many posts. I love my husband with all my heart so maybe I wouldn't leave him. I absolutely understand your concerns with your little one though. You don't want them growing up thinking this is norm. I am not a counsellor and I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination but I would say that your little one comes first and your husband must understand this. Not sure that ultimatums work even bluffing when it comes to alcoholics. I hope he does start going to AA meetings and find sobriety even if it is for the sake of your precious little child.

The advice and support on here should help you through it. What a lovely bunch of people with such community spirit.

Take care xx

hopes314 · Senior Member

I have an AH. I have tried everything to
get him to stop drinking. I have learned that I am powerless over alcohol and I can't make him do anything. He has to hit bottom. I have found his drinking gets worst over time and I become obsessed about him and his drinking. I lose myself and the more he drinks the less responsible he becomes.
It was so painful for me all the insane fighting lying and cheating and I didn't know what to do until my bff suggested I go to alnon. It took me 10 years to get to alnon meeting. I even have a different bottom to hit.
I got a sponsor in 1 month. She has been my best friend who provides me with so much wisdom and encouraging words on how I can find out who I am again.
It took me 7 months to understand the what is alcoholism and how it affects everyone in the family.. I started reading the big book which really helped me see and accept that I can do nothing.
I have been together 16 years I thought he loved our family enough to quit - nope. He has his agenda which is to protect his drinking habit. Telling my AHto quit drinking jUST made him hide it. Now he will create a insane fight about nothing to go out and gets his drink and then he hides it around the house.
They will find any excuse to keep drinking --- stressful job kids people. They just want you to get off his back do he can drink.
Alnon has been the greatest gift I can give myself.. love the women who are my best friends..
Hope

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Summerson,

you make me want to say "The force is strong with this one". Many of the things you have written are very close to Al Anon principles. You have been given good advice above, just reflect if you are comfortable in the situation, and what your choices are were you to decide you aren't.

Going to Al Anon meetings will help you understand that the focus is on you, so that you can make your own decisions and stop feeling the need to obsess on the craziness that your alcoholic has brought into your life. Some people leave, some don't, but nobody can tell you what the right decision is, Al Anon is meant for you to be able to sift through your emotions and remember how you used to make decisions based on what was right and what you need, rather than what would help the A the most.

I hope you can go to some meetings and try it. Maybe you will find your Yoda.

Peace
Kenny

Summersun · Member

Hi Thank you so much for all of your replies. It's taken me this long to approach al anon. I was never sure I qualified as my husband is an intermittent drinker but the more I learn about alcoholism the more I understand. And I know he uses his bouts of sobriety to justify drinking later on. It's true that he is using his stress as an excuse but after living with him for all of these years I know that to corner him in any way only serves to push us further apart and justify his drinking. He knows he has a problem but doesn't seem ready to deal with it. I'm grateful that I at least know when he is drinking and that he isn't off the rails and hasn't been for many years. But that isn't much of a silver inning! I have accepted that it is him that has to get help and that I can't force him to. As I said he knows how I feel but I try very hard not to hammer my feelings home or be judgemental even though I do find that pretty difficult. It's hard to walk that tightrope of not judging or turning into some nagging person whilst at the same time not saying that it's ok to drink or approving of it That's the bit I haven't worked out. How do I juggle those emotions? Anyway I will definitely do some al anon reading. Thank you so much for all of your support. It's empowering to know that I'm not alone in this and to learn from people here. Thank you!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't read all of the replies but what I learned in Al Anon is that your spouse doesn't have to be labeled an alcoholic just for you to attend meetings. If someone else's drinking is bothering you, then you are welcome to go obviously. I agree with you, it's hard to stay quiet when they are doing things that are hurtful to them and to the family, but you can do it. Getting a sponsor in Al Anon was HUGE for me. I learned to ask 'how important is it', I've learned how to pick my battles and how to NOT take everything so personally. You can learn these things too. Keep coming back here, try to find a meeting(probably more than just one, LOL), and learn how to take care of YOU!!!

Oh, and that stuff about the job being stressful, that was my AH's number one reason for picking the bottle back up after being sober for 15 years. Now, there are more excuses but work stress was high on the list. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone!

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

They all have an excuse.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome! ok remember as you said, they lie. I doubt the therapist said that unless you heard it for one.,

You are on the right track. His disease is totally his problem. Whether he goes to rehab or AA now or later is not up to us. we can control nothing as far as his disease.

He sounds young, the disease gets worse and worse as he continues to use. If a person is serious about getting well NOTHING stands in their way, job, wife, money, car, nothing.

sobriety on a program of recovery is number one. He has a terrible disease that is killing him.

I know when I learned about addiction I was so shocked. I had NO idea. rehab, aa nothing makes any difference. they are still an A, they can and usually will relapse. so for me I learned to accept him as is, drunk, sober whatever. I loved him as he was. but his disease has about killed him. He is wet brained, brain damaged, had a brain surgery became violent and I had to have him leave. he is no longer anything like the young man I fell in love with.

we learn the skills and truths of alanon and use them and stay.

we can stay and keep it the same and be miserable

or we can leave.

they have the right to be who they are, they have dignity too. We have to decide what is right for us and our children. It is not a good environment for kids.

the truths are hard to face. we invite you to keep coming to mip. We will always listen and support whatever you choose to do.

debilyn

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

summer let me add this, would you walk a tightrope about judging etc if it were any other disease he cannot control?

Nagging never cured anything. Loving does not either. It is a disease. I feel so very sad for your A. He has so much, and his disease is working hard on him.

focus on you and your little one.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.