That is my story to a 'T'. I am alcoholic. Only she will be able to say if she is. Jerry F here on the board has a great questionnaire that you might want to leave sitting on the kitchen table ;)

Glad you reached out for support for YOU - welcome to MIP

HI lsng,

I don't have the time to give this the attention it deserves, so will keep it brief, and hopefully can come back tonight. if you have to ask if there is a problem, there is. And, as cwya said, if you have to ask if YOU have a drinking problem, then you do, and our work is to get over it. Fortunately we aren't chemically dependent on it, but have had many, many years of conditioning that we have to overcome.

My AW didn't develop a problem until mid-40s, so I know where you are coming from. I recognize much of that behavior. I had to ask, and she filled out the questionnaires, and we both didn't believe them, but it became all to evident.

Peace
Kenny

thx cwya, I meant the original title as in "I have a problem, and it has to do with drinking".  f2f meeting planned this saturday.  Thank you for posting.

Kenny, if you have more to post, I'd love to read it.

Tasha mentioned a questionnaire, I would love to find it, although I doubt she'll believe it.  "If you have to ask..."  Full disclosure, *I* might not believe it....

Thanks, and please keep posting.

What is 'MIP'?

 

 

-- Edited by lsng on Monday 10th of February 2014 05:44:38 PM

A questionaire for her.....

 

 

Only you can decide whether you want to give A.A.a try
whether you think it can help you.



We who are in A.A. came because we finally gave up trying to control our drinking. We still hated to admit that we could never drink safely. Then we heard from other A.A. members that we were sick. (We thought so for years!) We found out that many people suffered from the same feelings of guilt and loneliness and hopelessness that we did. We found out that we had these feelings because we had the disease of alcoholism.
We decided to try and face up to what alcohol had done to us. Here are some of the questions we tried to answer honestly. If we answered YES to four or more questions, we were in deep trouble with our drinking. See how you do. Remember, there is no disgrace in facing up to the fact that you have a problem.

Answer YES or NO to the following questions.


1 - Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
Most of us in A.A. made all kinds of promises to ourselves and to our families. We could not keep them. Then we came to A.A. A.A. said: "Just try not to drink today." (If you do not drink today, you cannot get drunk today.)
Yes No


2 - Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking-- stop telling you what to do?
In A.A. we do not tell anyone to do anything. We just talk about our own drinking, the trouble we got into, and how we stopped. We will be glad to help you, if you want us to.
Yes No


3 - Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?
We tried all kinds of ways. We made our drinks weak. Or just drank beer. Or we did not drink cocktails. Or only drank on weekends. You name it, we tried it. But if we drank anything with alcohol in it, we usually got drunk eventually.
Yes No


4 - Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?
Do you need a drink to get started, or to stop shaking? This is a pretty sure sign that you are not drinking "socially."
Yes No


5 - Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
At one time or another, most of us have wondered why we were not like most people, who really can take it or leave it.
Yes No


6 - Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?
Be honest! Doctors say that if you have a problem with alcohol and keep on drinking, it will get worse -- never better. Eventually, you will die, or end up in an institution for the rest of your life. The only hope is to stop drinking.
Yes No


7 - Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
Before we came into A.A., most of us said that it was the people or problems at home that made us drink. We could not see that our drinking just made everything worse. It never solved problems anywhere or anytime.
Yes No


8 - Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough?
Most of us used to have a "few" before we started out if we thought it was going to be that kind of party. And if drinks were not served fast enough, we would go some place else to get more.
Yes No


9 - Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
Many of us kidded ourselves into thinking that we drank because we wanted to. After we came into A.A., we found out that once we started to drink, we couldn't stop.
Yes No


10 - Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?
Many of us admit now that we "called in sick" lots of times when the truth was that we were hung-over or on a drunk.
Yes No


11 - Do you have "blackouts"?
A "blackout" is when we have been drinking hours or days which we cannot remember. When we came to A.A., we found out that this is a pretty sure sign of alcoholic drinking.
Yes No


12 - Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?
Many of us started to drink because drinking made life seem better, at least for a while. By the time we got into A.A., we felt trapped. We were drinking to live and living to drink. We were sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Yes No






Did you answer YES four or more times? If so, you are probably in trouble with alcohol. Why do we say this? Because thousands of people in A.A. have said so for many years. They found out the truth about themselves the hard way. But again, only you can decide whether you think A.A. is for you. Try to keep an open mind on the subject. If the answer is YES, we will be glad to show you how we stopped drinking ourselves. Just call. A.A. does not promise to solve your life's problems. But we can show you how we are learning to live without drinking "one day at a time." We stay away from that "first drink." If there is no first one, there cannot be a tenth one. And when we got rid of alcohol, we found that life became much more manageable.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS© is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.



The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for A.A. membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions.



A.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes.



Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.

Copyright © by The A.A. Grapevine, Inc.;
reprinted with permission


T

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Monday 10th of February 2014 07:23:20 PM

Hi lsng, you asked for this, so I will give you some detail. Hopefully it can give you some of what we call Experience Strength, and Hope. And be able to reflect how this might or might not be like your own experiences.

MIP - Miracles In Progress. The names of this forum. I also call it Meeting In my Pocket or Meeting In my Phone. To many of us, it truly is a miracle! Certainly to me, there aren't too many meetings and I haven't yet gotten comfortable enough to get a sponsor, but this board and everybody's viewpoints and community has helped me in immeasurable ways.

My AW became an A later in life, in her mid-40s. She had some unresolved depression, had some problems with psychiatrists - one himself I think was a bit crazy, one threw her out of the practice for missing two appointments, and he could get away with it, I guess, because there is a huge short of psychiatrists in the area. So she started self-medicating.

Not longer after she started self-medicating, I noticed the occasional difference, but not a big deal. We might go to a party, and she would get really drunk, barely able to walk, but claimed she hadn't drunk much. Then another party. She also confided that occasionally she would down a bottle of vodka like it was nothing. it still didn't seem like a big deal.

Then she contracted mononucleosis. She was tired all the time, but finally, after awhile, I realized that much of the time she was actually binging and passing out. I challenged her not to drink for a month. And she did, from what I could tell anyway. But for her that was just "passing the test", to show that she wasn't really an A, so it gave her permission to drink again once the month was up.

Finally we went to a labor day party, and she was so drunk she just went and laid half on a towel in our hosts' front yard. Her mom, who is a functioning A herself, was also pretty drunk, so I got to take her mom home and then my AW, two drunks in the car, oh joy. I confronted her about it that night, and she SWORE TO GOD she hadn't been drinking. that would have been impossible, she didn't bring any booze, and she doesn't steal from other people, blah blah blah.

<Don't worry, I'll speed it up a little from here>
The next Wednesday I accompanied her to her therapist, who begged her to go into inpatient therapy. She did. She came out "all fixed up". Went to AA meetings, but didn't take long to relapse. Got a DUI. Got a second DUI. Went to a second inpatient center.

She is now almost 90 days sober. And going to so many meetings it's making my head spin. She is absolutely dedicated to her recovery. And I am happier, but keeping my expectations managed.

At the last rehab, I had to go to two hours of family education sessions where they emphasized Al Anon and our part in their recovery. I decided to try it when she got out, and it is one of the best things I have ever done. I had my part in all of this, emotionally unavailable to her, seemingly mellowed but actually detached and mentally gone. I am working on all of that now, going through the Al Anon steps. She and I had a discussion tonight about her recovery, and I think it's the closest we felt in years. But if I hadn't gone to Al Anon, I wouldn't have been able to do it, I would have gotten scared and withdrawn and let her suffer in agony about the issue she is having.

So, my points of this rambling tome are:

Alcoholism is progressive. Without help they get worse. My wife started innocuously self-medicating, and we ended up with two DUIs, and thousands of $ in medical and legal bills. her mom is a functioning alcoholic in her 60s, and she has affected and continues to affect my wife in so many ways. She has stabilized in her drinking over many years, but it is slowly getting worse, and I believe that without my wife to be able to emotionally support her as she has for 40 years, my AMIL will start going downhill fast.

Alcoholism is a disease. My AW was so godawful ashamed of her alcoholism, especially when active. She knew she was being an ass, she knew she was out of control, she knew she was affecting our son, and then the next day she would go buy a bottle of vodka and do it all over again. She has made much progress now, so she is not ashamed of being an A, but she still has regrets over how it has affected the people around her.

Al Anon is my friend. When I first started going I thought "crap, another thing I have to do because my wife is an A. I guess it's better than watching the side of her head on the sofa, but it's just another thing I have to do for her." Then I found out it was for me. We have Al Anon because we become obsessed with our A and her drinking. Our lives become wrapped up in keeping the shame out of the public eye, trying to keep them safe, and not have any consequences for them or us. And we stop taking care of us and the rest of our families. Also, by doing these actions, we shelter our A from the consequences of their behavior. My wife would wake up in the morning and thank me for helping her the night before, but that also made her know that I would help her. Alcoholism will take any advantage and turn that person that once loved you, and still loves you, and make them into a Mr. Hyde that you can't even recognize!

I am so happy you are going to a F2F meeting Saturday. And I hope you come to the online meetings too, you can see more about them in the upper left hand corner of this page.

I hope this helps, hopefully you made it all the way down to here. If you have any other questions or concerns or whatever or want to vent (you might notice a number of posts that denote themselves as purely vents, we need them), feel free to write it out here so everybody can help, or PM me.

Peace
Kenny

Thanks everyone for your responses. I just wanted to share a little bit about what happened last night:

As of now, my W is drinking her 1-2 or 3 or 4 glasses every night just about...this after agreeing that trying 90 days off from alcohol would be a good idea...

Last night she mentioned that she 'would like a glass of wine'. I told her kindly that that decision was totally up to her. (Not sure if that was the right way to go, I think its a bad idea, but....)

Then she asked if I could pick up a bottle on the way home from getting the kids. (now I am stuck, this is something I have done in the past...) 

I said 'No' (kindly), then I quickly changed the subject.

Anyway, she went out to her sports practice, and I fully expected her to come home with a bottle of wine for herself, but she didnt. No wine.  We hung out, watched some shows, talked about kid stuff, and went to bed.

I will keep you posted....

-- Edited by lsng on Tuesday 11th of February 2014 01:34:50 PM

I won't buy booze for family members or friends that I suspect have a drinking problem. Call me Miss Killjoy. They want to kill themselves, they can use their own money to do it. Kudos to you for saying "no" and sticking to it.