Noticing things with alcoholic husband - Al-Anon Family Group

willieisawestie · Newbie

Noticing things with alcoholic husband

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

The only thing I can suggest is that I noticed with my stbax's mother that her legs and arms started to atrophied (I don't know if this is the right word) .. it's like the alcohol was eating the muscle because she wasn't eating although her face and her middle stayed puffy. My stbax also started eating less. There is something in college that is practiced called alcohol-anorexia (there is a different term) .. pretty much what is happening is young people especially will count calories by not eating and drinking their calories .. you can imagine how that's working .. it's not .. because it's breaking down in sugar in the system AND there is no real nutrients in alcohol. It is no different than eating sugar for breakfast lunch and dinner. So they think this helps .. it doesn't.

It really doesn't surprise me that this is happening to him and it has long term medical affects on the mind and the body. Drinking more and eating less .. is another stage of the alcoholism.

I find that the not eating in the active long term alcoholic is par for the course in the disease .. like I said I watched with my stbax and his mother do the same thing. Something that might help you understand what alcohol does long term in terms of damage is Under the Influence I can't think of the author .. it's a very good book to read if you want to learn about what alcohol does to the body and mind.

More importantly I hope you will find a way to take care of yourself. It is a long road to go alone living with and loving an active alcoholic and sobriety doesn't equal long term woo hoo's that is also a process. If you have a program it will save your life and help you make good short term and long term decisions without the craziness that comes with the family disease.

Welcome and I hope you will keep coming back.

Hugs S :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are mentioning 2 things that could cause the not eating 1. Alcoholism and 2. Depression. Sounds like a very difficult person to reach emotionally and he's got you playing detective. I know you are concerned but you don't need to play detective at the expense of your own sanity.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi glad you found us.

I found this site so helpful when my partner was drinking the people here understood what I was living with and educated me about alcoholism and its different forms.

I know your husbands disease does not want you to attend al anon, however I would suggest for your own mental health and for support from people who understand you somehow find away to get to al anon.

this disease tore me apart I too could have told you everything my husband did in a day but I lost ME!!!!

I found away to get 1 and half hours a week for me to attend a meeting and Wow it changed my life, I can smile again today. I have made some really special friends who understand me in a away my family can not.

keep coming back we can not promise to stop your husband drinking but we can promise that if you get on to the al anon programme of recovery for you your life will get better,

hugs tracy xxxxx

tortuga · Senior Member

they loose their focus to alcohol, we loose our focus to them. I'm with Tracy on this onewe tend to damage our mental health by becoming controlling and over-caring, that's where we slowly change without noticing, and it's dangerous, because we fall into an abyss of depression and sadness.. and yes about the not-eating, my exA had a very confused rhythm of eating, that usually happened when he drank more regularly. he is constantly between bloating swollen face, then becoming terribly skinny in very few month. that I even sometimes thought he has an eating disorder, or basically every 'taking care of self' has gotten disordered, the more alcohol or weed were present in the day: less sleep, less food, less care for others, less focus on life, less thinking, less of HIM. and whenever I mentioned Al Anon, or friends or family, or meditation or anything that I tried to do for myself, he got really angry, belittled everything, even tried to talk me out of seeing my family ( i live on another continent than them) as if the disease didn't like me to come new it, because if I got better it knew i would speak up and not let it take him away. well it fought back fiercely and I gave up the fight for him. not for me. we live separate lives now.

Beatrice · Senior Member

Willie,

All I can say is Alanon is not about the drinker. Alanon is about you, learning the tools to cope with this disease and finding solutions. It's not up to us to diagnose the alcoholic.

Whether you want to live with the alcoholic is up to you. I suggest you attend a face to face Alanon meeting, there you will find many others that are in the same boat as you.

Alanon will help you find a new way of life, to be able to live and cope and create solutions regarding this disease, as it affects all members of the family and whoever he comes in contact with.

Alanon has been my life saver when I was married to and knew him for 30 years.

I hope you take the action and attend and stick to this board, read the literature for Alanon, Good luck to you.

Bettina

hopes314 · Senior Member

My Ah did not like that I attended alnon meetings because my AH wanted to control me and isolated me from other people.
I just figured this out today that the more I am around alnon people I started to be more aware of how normal people have a relationship with each other. The more I isolated myself and stayed around the AH I believed what the AH did and said was normal. I didn't even know I was getting sucked into his addicted behavior.
The disease is progressive it only gets better if they go into recovery. It continually gets worst.
I noticed that my Ah has this grey cast on his skin. He looks like he has a bloated face too.
Their diet of drinking lacks nutrition especially vitamin b1.
My Ah has gone into hiding his drinking for the past 3 years. His disease is getting worst but
My disease is getting better since I Am healing and recovery with alnon. I am getting stronger and finding me again.
I wondered why all those years I was so lonely depressed and unhappy.
Alnon works if you work it so true.
I got 2x meetings today.. I am at peace and happy..

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Willie some of the physical/psycological are affected behaviors...loss of interest in eating yes even with a distended stomach that indicates intestinal problem. Psycological problems? Alcohol is a chemical depressant and if he is displaying depession that is natural to this disease. Emotionally the alcoholic also may be going thru a grieving; "loss of of energy and hope" condition and more. Alcoholism is a severe disease. You're saying he isn't doing much more than eating, sleeping and drinking and sleeping and that doesn't look, feel, sound healthy huh? Is he open to getting a physical or is he to scared to do it? Fear is the #1 emotional problem in alcoholism...he sounds afraid. Like others on this forum I have worked in rehabs regarding the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction and what you have described here is very familiar even with out an intention to diagnose it.

Your husband doesn't sound near functioning even though I know what you are saying. Anytime anyone attached to the alcoholic or addict comes looking for help it is an indication that the alcoholic and/or addict has stopped functioning well.

You have received some great feedback from the fellowship. One of the best things that was said was said by you and that is that you have attempted Al-Anon...time now to follow thru with that idea. It's okay for him to get mad or confused or paniky or act like a "King Baby" while you go. This disease is an equal opportunity disease...it will take the friends, family and associates of the alcoholic down as fast and as hard as it will the alcoholic. This is not a cureable disease. If it is not arrested by total abstinence is will result in insanity and/or death. Your husband is displaying physical and emotions symptoms of this disease...uncontrolled emotions and nervousness (the shakes) He might be experiencing delirium temmens (DTs). A physcial examination seems to be called for with honesty with the doctor about alcohol problems If he will not go...you need the information because during "end stage" alcoholism death becomes a reality. I've seen in in the rehabs and in my family.

Go to Al-Anon and pickup every pamphlet you can to learn more...stay for the entire meeting and make plans to return. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

the alcohol in their systems dialate their veins, thus breaking capillaries etc. that is the redness. His body is addicted to the alcohol so it craves more,he starts shaking when he does not drink at night detoxing. His blood sugar is so low it cannot function.

he is not eating becuz that alcohol is destroying his organs. they do not work properly, cannot even send out signals that he is hungry.

Its all so sad and I am so sorry you and he are going through this. His symptoms all point to end stage alcoholism. You may want to research it to understand.

this is a disease that does not discriminate, he did not choose to be an A. If he ever does decided to quit, he will need to go to the hospital as his body will need support during detox.

His daughter has the right idea. It's none of anyone elses business. we can do nothing anyway. the best thing to do is to take care of ourselves. We do have meetings here in the chat room, very good ones too! You can pm with us also. the help we share with each other keeps us going.

I invite you to think about what you want now. focus on just you. I mean garden, sew, go out with friends, whatever you care about. Please keep coming here. we do care., debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.