The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in alnon since March. I am much stronger than before where i was frozen to do anything.
I knew something was up this weekend. I found my proof alcohol in the trash. But I did know without the validation.
We are putting our house up for sale because he got a new job 4 states away. I will be moved so far from my family. Isolated again not knowing anyone.
All our money is tied in this house and if I don't get 1/2 by getting a lawyer now he can take the money and say he has spent it. He can lie about this. Money
gone
I got my proof he hasn't stopped drinking and he is not going to stop. I tried to get him to treatment this summer. When I going to stop being in denial?
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
Continued
Trying to type with my phone. It wouldn't scroll for me to type.
I am so scared of going next step but I had no idea what is going to happen when I sale this house.
I even reached out to his family. I guess I am looking for a rescue. I am scare of the unknown which is scary.
All I am riding is a rollercoaster of chaos. I only see him when he comes in town.
How long am I going to play this river of denial card. He had plenty of chances to quit or go to rehab. It is because he is not ready and I can't make him ready.
But I can't sit around and let the addict take everything from me. Even his parents say how long is he going to keep this job.
I need to pull out and stop making excuses why I need to stay in this null relationship. The kids are young and they will bounce back.
How can I trust anything he does. I am very fearful that he is going to take the money from the sale of this house and hide it from me.
He has already lied about the sign on bonus and I do not have access to the money he is making. He gives me cash.
Why am I so scared about losing this marriage. There is no marriage. I am fearful all the time.
God has blessed me by getting him out of the house so i can heal and get strong. But here I thought he wanted the marriage but he is focused on his addict and it is consuming me. I am so beaten down but my eyes are wide open and I need to see he has been drinking over 35 years. He couldn't stop for the first marriage and he didn't stop for mine.
Sorry I am rambling. I am all alone with the kids. The answer is not to follow him but I need to start living my life.
Need to pray
Thanks for letting me share. I just had to get this out. Maybe I wouldn't be do scared to see this on paper.
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
Maybe you can find an attorney and talk to him. I would think you should get 1/2 of the house plus child support. If you could stay near your family that would be good support for you and your kids. I wish you the best.
Sorry, here is some blatant advice-giving. Somebody take me out if you dont' like it, I won't be mad.
I see you are starting to answer some of your own questions. Now listen to yourself! re-read what you just wrote. If you wrote it, I assume you believe it.
Step 1 - we admitted to ourselves we had no power over alcohol. You have done it with your head, now finish it with your heart. Just meditate on it. Know it. Let it absorb, and think about all the implications that has in your life. Think about the things you do have control over as well. Do something about them, and let go of the rest. Serenity prayer, serenity prayer.
You have awareness, most definitely judging from your post. If you can get through acceptance, you can get to action! But without that acceptance, you won't be able to get to the action part. Accept, accept, accept, it's what they are taught in AA. They have an acceptance prayer in the BB that they all memorize. we have the same problem with it.
as far as action, if your family is near by, can you move in with them, even temporarily, or get some money from them to get to an attorney?
anyway, now I'm rambling. I am sending you encouragement and support, I hope things work out for you, and I hope you make things work out for you!
If you have the book, Getting Them Sober, she has a chapter advising against isolating yourself from family and friends with an alcoholic. Also, please do look into how to protect your half of the finances for you and the children even if you are only planning to separate. Do not assume he will do the right (and fair) thing unless he is forced to. An alcoholic scorned who wants to play the victim can be impossible to reason with.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Can't sleep. I have been praying. I did ask my HP for a sign.
I am writing so I will see the words and hopefully she the truth.
I have 3 small kids under the age of 7.
With me selling the house I have to get the assets.
Even my sponsor has me at step 1.
My parents note that my life is obsessing over my AH.
His parents are telling me I need to have sex with him and he will quit drinking.
I tell the parents I wouldn't have sex because I wanted him to get an HIV test and sexual transmitted test. He does take showers! I can't believe that both my AH and his dad think about sex and not his drinking is the problem. They are turning the table on me snd making my problem and responsibility.
I have no guarantee that he will stop. He is in a different state for a job. He can do what he wants. He had the prefect opportunity to stop with no wife no kids and no stress. He has to quit for him.
Look how insane it is. He is drinking because I don't want to have sex with him.
He doesn't want rehab he had the chance. He had the chance. He is not going to stop.
I don't even know what to expect or how to prepare myself.
I just know that is he moves me up to another state it is not going to be better.
He didn't want to go to marriage counseling, he doesn't want to go to meetings,
It is all my fault because I dont give him sex anymore after I found out he cheated on me. And i s. Going to give him sex becauseballbof a sudden he stopped cheaying on me. I am going to trust this man who takes no responsibility to be honest with me. My whole life with him is one big lie.
I am the only one willing to work on my recovery. I have a sponsor I go to meetings. My whole behavior is alnon at home. I shut my mouth. I am kind and gentle to him. I trying to understand him. I don't enable him anymore. .it is me me me.
I need to get it through my head their is no relationship without recovery. He doest want to recovery.
The best thing to do is protect myself. I need to get this money otherwise I will have a better chance to survive.
I do not have any family where I live. My closest family is 10 hours away. Then sister 15 hours.
Even if he stops drinking it doesn't mean it gets better it takes a long time. He could start and stop 100 times. I have been the best door mat he could have but I have wake up before everything is gone. I have a chance to have some money and live in a one bedroom apt.
I just don't want the marriage over.
I have to pray because this is doing the impossible for me to make this huge decision.
Why am so scared to be on my own? I have been isolated for 16 years. I have had no friends. The friends I have made are in alnon.
My parents are 80 years old. I never ask for help.
Please God help me I don't know what to do. How do I make a good decision..
Thanks for allowing me to post.
Pls send encouraging words and prayers..
Hope
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
I don't know if this will encourage you and uplift you I hope that it will. I have two kids under the age of 15 (at the moment) .. yes it is scary and there is the unknown .. I would rather be where I am right now than living in the chaos AND obsession that I was. I know I would pray and ask for a sign .. the infamous sign .. LOL .. I laugh because my signs came in the form of billboards and even though I got those it took a two by four to get me to take action and I was in shock, hurt and anger.
It IS scary to be on my own because like you I spent much of my marriage obsessing with what my A was or wasn't doing and it literally sucked the life out of me. I hope you are doing your best to focus on your own recovery. A book that has helped me it is a series of easy reads however good grief .. if that didn't get me .. it was the only thing that could blast the denial even now that I will go through. These are the lies I tell myself .. maybe it really is ME that is why he drinks and he cheats? Maybe I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve anything better than what I have gotten over the past 18 years. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, .. what if, what if, what if, .. THAT is the itty bitty sh&*ty committee and I have stopped buying completely what I have been being told.
DO talk to an atty and find out what you can and can't do .. shop around atty's are like used car sales people no offense intended .. they are going to tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. Find a fox .. those are the smart, going to take your money .. they are going to also do what is best ALWAYS first for you. Talk to people at the court house and find out who they recommend. When I am looking for a Dr .. the people I talk to .. the nurses. They KNOW who is and who isn't good. The other thing I'm going to suggest is whatever financial records you can get ahold of .. GET .. paystubs, bonus stubs, .. letters and so on .. things that show documented proof of the income you are receiving .. TRUST me .. I got a hell of a deal going into this mess than I could have had .. granted it's been reduced that initial win for me was huge .. it set the tone for the rest of what has transpired for court.
You DO have friends .. you have your alanon family and they travel with you no matter where you are .. make those connections at ALL costs. BIG hugs .. it does get better and yes .. not going to sugar coat .. not always easy .. you know what .. I'm worth it and so are you!! Never ever loose sight of that simple fact you deserve to be happy regardless of if the A is drinking or not .. regardless if you stay or not. I'm soooo sorry for the pain you are in at the moment .. it sucks.
I have told my kids so they have no doubts .. regardless of what happens with their dad the best thing that came of the relationship was them. They are great kids who deserve a happy mom (and dad even if he wants to drink himself stupid .. ugh).
The other thing is why would you have sex with someone who cares so little about his sexual health .. trust me a drunk is not thinking about wearing a condom. What is out and about in the real world can kill sex partners and can't always be cured with antibiotics .. PLEASE DO think about that fact. You have a right to be sexually safe even if that means no sex .. let his winky fall off .. you don't have to go down that road with him.
Hugs S :)
PS - Book .. I forgot the book .. LOL! Getting Them Sober Vol 1 and 4 are the ones I highly recommend. He is showing you who he is today .. believe him. Listen with your eyes and DO protect yourself (protecting yourself includes your children!)
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Monday 10th of February 2014 06:38:52 AM
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
When I was where you are now my mind was so confused I lived in fear, no one can give you advise this choice is yours.
THE WORD CHOICE, al anon taught me I was responsible for my self my choices.
You say your partner is still drinking I could not trust my partner when he was an active alcoholic I had to learn this the hard way. I had to learn that I had to do what was right for me and kids because he was very ill and I could not rely on him.
The fear of separating from him WOW I remember this but like you I was going to meetings had a sponsor I got the courage to change the things I could. I lived 1 day at a time. I separated from my A it was not forever in my mind it was just a choice for what was right for me at that time. I had a HP and thought if we are meant to be together in future it will happen I handed the relationship over and TRUSTED. It was the scariest thing I have ever done but I could not go on with life how it was my partner cheated also I know how painful that is, it is unacceptable. I wrapped myself up in al anon I went to l0ts of meetings I read, prayed , was on here all the time I took al anon medicine. I put the focus on my recovery. I had contact with him but told him I needed time to myself and that I could not watch him doing what he was doing to himself I let go of his disease.
Today I know myself love and respect myself I am so much stronger thanks to al anon. My A decided to go to AA and we are back together today we still both have lots of work to do on ourselves but one day at a time it is getting better. But what I learnt was that I could not expect anyone to love, care for me I had to look out for tracy I had to face the fear of being alone and guess what it was not as bad as I thought, In fact once he got sober I was that happy alone I know find it hard making room for him as my life is that full.
What ever you decide you are not alone your Hp and al anon has got your back.
know the painful feeling of knowing what i should do and seeing the reality of what i feel limited to do .. the uncertainty, the what ifs .. what if he ... i got so good at it, there was no me .. getting it all back .. today if i were to step back in time, who knows, maybe i would have set money aside myself into hiding .. i never spent a dollar without him or at least very little .. when the money was good, it was used up (by him) quick .. much of the burden today falls on me as he is off and i am here .. today looking back i think what if i had thought of me more .. course today i am here so i no longer judge the past .. i finally have meaning to my pain feelings hurts of the past chaos, crazies, etc .. when it came to this man, i felt like i'd known this person my whole life; discovered later, i had .. i'd known the behaviors .. sometimes they were so deep and hidden in others it took time to see them .. that was deep for me to see .. glad you are in alanon .. hoping you get face to face meetings in when you can .. assuming you do if since march .. i would love to advise get an attorney; i never needed to do so .. on occasion i had thought of one for the kids .. up to now i have never had to .. hoping i won't need to later either .. but one day at a time .. we'll see .. if i do ? i'll at least be more prepared later than i am today .. the shame piece (what's wrong with Me piece for not being able to act when I know doggone well i should at times) was that I thought my eyes were wide open too .. they were as in i could physically see what was right in front of me but my heart wasn't open and there were many things through my denial i had hid from myself even for years .. denial standing for Don't Even No I Am Lying (to myself) .. hence although my eyes appeared in the mirror to be wide opened, i needed the fellowship and hp to open my mind to hearing better reasoning, which would eventually begin to lead to better understanding .. etc .. (((keep sharing, reading, listening))) you are in my prayers !!
Yes it is so hard to make a decision.
It is scary but he is active and I believe in denial. I have gone through recovery with him not pretty especially since he will not go to AA.
I am going to go to a Atty and file. I have to make a smart choice. Get the money before he loses the job.
He manipulates me so much.. I see once in awhile the real him when he is not drinking in the morning.
It is scary not to have a job and not know where to go and live. I will try to be next to family. God will led me on this journey.
What is super scary how I am and slowly changing how paralyzed I was to do anything. I believed the AH but now the blinders are off. It is between me surviving at this point.
Being around them is not healthy for me. Once I opened my eyes to see he is not stopping I got to get out.
The joys of alnon. I am doing everything and day at a time. I am living in the present moment to not look in the future and get overwhelmed.
Alnon is setting me free.
It is sad because I love my AH but I know he is only thinking of him. I have to take care of my family.n
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
