Angry and confused newbie - Al-Anon Family Group

4evatheoptimist · Member

Angry and confused newbie

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome! "Getting them sober" is a great book for you. It will answer all your questions. by toby rice drew, volume one.

He has no control over his disease. no one asks to be an addict, it is in their dna. He is doing the best he can. They cannot just choose to stop. Its a horrible disease. Their bodies crave whatever drug they take. "they cannot quit until if and when they are so sick of being sick and want to live without it more than with it.

It is NOT personal, it has zero to do with you. Your helping is called enableing. Makes him ever sicker. Almost all of us to that until we learn the truths.

Its hard but we MUST not do anything for them. nothing. they are adults.they need to feel bad enough to want to stop. If we help we keep them healthy enough to use.

In al anon we learn that their disease is none of our business. So we encourage each other to join al anon, do things for ourselves. stop calling and checking.

A person being an addict has zero to do with who they are or what they are. they can be doctors, priests, elders, teachers whoever.

I hope you keep coming back. MIP literally can save you. their disease can make us sicker than they are. My way to detach is to love the person and the disease is not my problem.

His disease does not care if you lose your child and husband. It does not care if dad drunk drives and kills someone. Nothing matters to the disease. the human has more guilt than we will ever know as non a's.

Keep coming, there is so much hope! welcome welcome!!! debilyn

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hard situation .. if you can get to alanon face to face meetings, that would be the best thing you could do for you, your husband, and your 6 your old .. we're powerless over alcoholism .. a drinking disease yes but a thinking disease first .. when I think of it as a thinking disease, I realize the effects on my own thinking that have been passed on to me; confusion, obsession, projecting and more .. the only requirement for alanon is that there be a problem of alcohol in a friend, relative, family member, spouse, coworker, etc .. there is so much to learn, it would be near impossible to share it all in an online post .. the power of the programs is incredible .. the power for me is the wisdom I hear and learn there .. even the effects on me are bigger than me; too much to handle without spiritual help/hope. It and they are not however bigger than me, higher power, and the members of the fellowship working through it together .. It is recommended to try 6 meetings before deciding if alanon is right for us .. Every meeting is different and has its own flavor .. helps to be with others who understand what you are going through perhaps better than others 'can. it's sad because the Alcoholics too are powerless .. the power 'behind the addiction is pretty hard to battle alone .. in the thinking disease, even the decision to not choose to get help is part of the distorted thinking and disease ..

I'm so sorry you are going through this .. so hard .. I did a lot of enabling of the alc too .. for me .. realized I did it so I could sleep at night and not worry .. hard because we grow up sometimes thinking what's in someone's best interest is what is going to make them 'feel better .. it isn't necessarily in their 'best interest because they need to feel a sense of pain if they are ever to want to find something bigger than them or find help, etc ..

We can still love them, without losing ourselves, etc .. I hope you get to the meetings !!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

4eva...he knows the pain he's causing...the disease the alcohol is causing him pain first...bad pain and he knows how he is affecting others because while he is under the influence his mind is talking to him and his value systems are sulking. He knows and the disease will demand that he drink even while he knows...that is the addiction...the alcoholics and addicts will continue to use inspite of the awarenesses. It isn't a "bad/moral" thing...its a sick thing. Find the places and times we meeting your area and come out and sit with us. Bring an open mind cause with one you will find help. keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

4evatheoptimist · Member

You are all wonderful people and I have read all your replies over and over. You hit the nail on the head when you said getting them help meant I could sleep at night. I didn't realise but when he is in rehab I don't worry so much. It makes me feel better about myself to be helping him without realising that it's not necessarily the best thing for him. I almost felt it was my duty because everyone else has 'given up on him' but in reality they are doing the right thing and it's me who is doing the wrong thing. This is a complete eye opener and I am so grateful that I took the first step to post on here. I will definitely be purchasing the getting them sober book and will have a look for meetings in my area.

I am so grateful for your replies and I feel a great weight lifted off my shoulders.

Thank you with all my heart xxx

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Your husband and little daughter come first. Period. You are not responsible for your father. Please don't lose your little family because Dad drinks. Best wishes, Diva

4evatheoptimist · Member

Thanks Diva. I will certainly be putting my family first from now on. I have actually now told my dad this and he says he understands. He knows that unless he is sober we won't be seeing him.

Everyone is so nice and very honest on this forum. It has been very refreshing and I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. A problem shared etc......

Much love ❤️

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

((( Hang in there 4eva ))) There is a message button on the top right there under your log in name by the bar there .. you can message any time you like for sharing .. sending you a practice one so you know where it is =)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.