The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thought I'd throw this subject out, since it's something I'm wrestling with and wondering about.
I'm working through the end of a long term relationship with my AGF. She's gone, with someone new, and keeping the kids (hers) from me that we've raised together for almost 7 years. I'm actually pretty OK, with her leaving; the sadness and disappointment is overwhelmed by a huge sense of relief, and Al Anon and my faith are keeping me pretty centered on being hopeful and trusting in God's plan.
That being said, I'm struggling with a fair amount of anger here, and the program and my faith tell me to let go of it, Dr. Kubler-Ross tells me it's an essential step to work through the grief. I'm leaning toward the Christian "forgive, let go, and love your enemy" (if that's not too strong a word), and the necessary psychological aspect of working through the "stages of grief."
Anyone have any tips for how to reconcile these completely opposite viewpoints? Every time I get angry, I try to push it away, replace it with thanks, prayers for her and the kids, or just distraction, but I'm not sure if that's really the best way to approach things.
There's gotta be a compromise here, something that satisfies both sides of the issue...
Forgiveness is a process. It is not a one-time event. To acknowledge it, accept it, feel it, share it and to be willing to let it go by continuing daily program work has worked for me. My experience has been that it takes longer to work through the grief if there are many losses involved. To me, loving your enemy in this context means not to retaliate. It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to be "all over it" in a short amount of time if there have been multiple losses involved.
Interesting take, a bit more insight than I was able to come up with on my own! Probably a bit of both; although the most immediate anger stems from her using the kids to manipulate and hurt me.
Detachment, in this case, is a bit more difficult, as I'm VERY attached to the kids.
-- Edited by Divedet on Sunday 9th of February 2014 11:45:36 AM
Its difficult to accept the end of a long relationship and naturally mourning occurs. Your anger is also natural and I dont think its good to suppress it. You may need to find a healthy outlet for it. For me, I let go of my anger through letters that I dont send. I write it all out, telling the person how I feel in often colourful language. Then I work on forgiving them and I write that out also.
Forgiveness has set me free from the resentment and anger I felt. Accepting that she is an alcoholic with all the behaviours and thought processes that go with that. Accepting that you cant change that. Not taking her behaviour personally, its not about you. All you can do is begin the recovery process and dive into you, who you are, what is it about you that attracted and was attracted to someone who was emotionally unavailable. Well thats what I have been doing. I think its important to feel your feelings and let them be for a while, they will go when you are ready.x
(((Divedet)))...brother you're in the "sludge" of it. Everything is stuck or attached to each other as I was taught. The mind body spirit and emotions all cross connected and each one affecting the other. First thing I learned that worked with was get still and quiet. Center myself that something has happened against my will and my ego and because of that "my" there were two enemies...she and me...there would be more as I continued to loose control over my focus and then it was my sponsor and the groups that helped me to maintain that at times and then most of the times. The first anger I had to take care of was self anger, the me who screwed up by choosing a relationship with my alcoholic/addict wife. My sponsor gave me the tool of using acceptance...only of the fact of the situation and the event..."it happened"..."its done with". He helped me further with amends to and with myself "I made a mistake (only)...I am not an immoral idiot" Self talk was important to help rid myself of self anger and I could not/would not use the no/low self esteem character I came into recovery with. What was famous was his lessons on "using or doing or feeling the opposites"...If you hate feeling angry...feel acceptance (feelings are choices and choices can be changed at any time). If I hated the lonliness I was to practice self acceptance and love and HP awareness. If I hated feeling depression, grief, loss...feel gratitude and more. Yes this was the "working the program" and "it works when you work it". I learned lessons of perspectives...seeing the whole picture of the event and only working on one part of the picture at a time rather than to tackle the entire thing. A part of that was being able to view my life as a stage play as if he and I were sitting in the audience watching it unfold and he would ask me how would the play come proceed if someone handed you a different script? He also worked on my imagination tools. I am metaphoric and listen more in pictures than black and white words. Seeing the pictures helped me to understand where I had come from, what happened and what I might want to do to arrive at better places.
Spiritual for me is about intentions....what I am moved to do or live. My spirit is inclined toward peace of mind and serenity for example so my choice is to move toward that constantly.
Been where you're at and have done what you've done and felt what you are feeling...good news is that it is temporary as you want it to be. "This too will pass and it will pass on to where you want it to pass as you choose".
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 9th of February 2014 01:08:33 PM
True, anger is grief .. One of the things I love about alanon, is that alanon finally brought meaning into much of my past. The pain, chaos, damage, etc .. none of it felt waisted anymore .. there was finally a reason for everything bad that had happened in my life .. I was finally seeing the transformation of bad to better .. I learned the necessity of forgiveness too .. most of my life I heard it as I was supposed to do it just like that and if I didn't god wouldn't forgive me .. today I realize it does not happen just like that as stated above .. when I'm secretly not forgiving, I'm usually angry because I lack understanding and clarity .. forgiveness is actually a natural process, the more I understand the more forgiveness comes .. it's not even always in the form of a word; my heart forgives .. couldn't see this without the light of this program and the work that goes into the steps .. as in meetings, literature, fellowship, sharing, praying meditating .. etc .. people used to tell me and others all the time growing up; still do .. have to let this go that go, etc .. no one ever told me how and I assumed they meant just like that .. every time I go to a meeting and share, I let go of a little more and a little more of another outcome .. letting go and letting god sometimes means letting go of the control. I used to think it meant I was never to think of the situations again .. how could I do that ? my obsession wasn't removed yet ..
when working the steps, especially with a sponsor, healing comes .. in step 3 when we make a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the Care of higher power (higher power who cares about us) our lives include ourselves, our children, spouses, gfs, x's, family members, you name it .. everything takes time but there are many beautiful gifts in alanon .. it's the presence (presants) of higher power ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 9th of February 2014 10:38:16 PM
I let myself go thru the anger process - I ranted in my car, chopped wood, cleaned house in a way that worked me into a sweat, all to get the anger out so that it wouldn't eat me up from the inside. Anger is not the enemy.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
love that David .. been finding my own Years of misplaced faith trust .. no wonder I wasn't getting anywhere, I was putting it in me .. many others too ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 9th of February 2014 10:42:13 PM
Hmmm my ESH... who is your enemy- is it her...? Or is it your mis-placed trust...? 
