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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Who knew?
Post Info TOPIC: Who knew?
Melly1248


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Who knew?
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So, Getting Them Sober really blew the lid wide open on a whole lot of stuff for me. Mainly, the kinds of things ABF does to "get to me" and the crazy things I do to try to cope with them and "change his mind". (And others too).

It's hard to believe that these things I have been keeping secret for so many years...the awful cruel things he says/does, the crazy needy way I respond first with anger then with apologies for the anger then by begging him not to leave because he's so "hurt" by my anger, hating myself the whole time for being so spineless and needy and not just walking away....and then to read descriptions of those exchanges as if someone has been sitting in my lounge-room taking notes for the past 8 years...just...woah.  I'm not some weirdo-freak who was born without any self respect!! Other people work themselves into hopeless shameful corners too! Knowing that, and the fact that he probably LIKES it that way and works hard on encouraging that sort of crazy- well, I had an inkling before but now I have a really clear picture. Thank-you, book!

Please note, this isn't about "getting along with ABF", it's about starting to conquer a terrible neediness in myself, finally. Something I was always so ashamed of, what I thought of as a terrible, insurmountable handicap that would keep me chained in my self-built prison for the rest of my life. 

So I've been just tending to daughter and self, happily, this past week or so, meeting, friends, study, program-work, and sifting through the areas of my life that require me to depend on him in any way. One way or another, all of those things need to be pulled apart and re-assembled so that they can be managed by me alone. I was quite independant and capable as a single mother before. I already have it in me. In fact I have been a single mother the entire time, just with a demanding extra child for a long time, really.  Transport, rent, lawn-mowing; if it requires his cooperation in any way, it has to be thrown away and re-made. And I've been friendly to him, regardless of the fact that he has been drinking solidly for 2 weeks now and has missed work because he is "sick" and alternately because I yelled at him 2 weeks ago and "started a chain reaction and now he's all screwed up and cant go to work". I've not mentioned any of it. And after reading that book, I don't feel the same anger or fear that I used to. It's pity now, more than anything. Still not "detachment" as I understand it but a step closer. I know it's just one book but it really spoke to something inside me. (And no, I don't think "pity" is a good or respectful way to feel towards him, it's just better than "needy").

So he doesn't like my happy demeanour of course and he's trying very hard to break it down. It started with talking about other women. (One in particular, that he has been "following" online because she's so COOL and her blog is so FUNNY and blah blah blah. Normally I would have been so hurt and upset, because he doesn't read my blog even though I've begged him to or think I am COOL or FUNNY but this time I saw right through it. Thanked him for telling me about her and bookmarked her page so I could "check her out". It's not the first time he has raved on about some girl he found on the internet. Its his shut-in version of threatening to pick up women in bars, I guess. Well I was right, he was just saying it to "get at me" and when I responded with gratitude he threw a tantrum and stormed off and he's been angry ever since. (I don't blame him; he wasted all that time reading some girl's blog and it didn't even make me mad...what an awful waste of his time!). So he's amped it up now and as I continue being friendly and ignoring his nonsense, he has become nastier and nastier and now won't speak to me but just looks at me like I just murdered a puppy in front of him, turns his back and walks away whenever he sees me, and every so often comes out to tell me angrily about some terrible sin I have committed... and I see what it is now and it isn't upsetting me. The thing that used to hurt me the MOST and drive me into a state of complete misery and desperation isn't getting to me. Wow! I don't know if everyone here can understand just how beaten down and dependant on his moods for my own state of mind I had allowed myself to become, but for me, it was a real prison and I would spend weeks feeling sick and helpless and as if life wasn't worth living when he was cruel and wishing, more than anything that I could "just not be like this anymore". So what I'm experiencing right now is a special kind of freedom, for me. I'm seeing it all through new eyes. I was doing great at working on me a lot of the time, but I was still so deeply affected by his mood-swings and love/hate behaviour and crazy-making. It still had a strong hold on me.

I'm seeing that in his way, he is afflicted by the same sickness as me. He thinks he needs to make me react a certain way...for him, it's with misery, neediness and desperation...so that he knows he still "has" me. There's not one thing I can do to stop him playing that game, but I can stop playing it with him, and the world won't end. He's much better at that game than me anyway. For years he has succeeded in making me react exactly how he wanted. Whereas I have never made the slightest difference to what he did. It's like trying to beat him at pool. Really unlikely to happen, unless he's very very drunk and then he won't remember it anyway, so it doesn't count. If I react with scorn or unfriendliness, that won't help either. That'll just make him try even harder to break me down. Hence smiling and being polite and kind is actually the best thing I can do, for me, so that I can continue to get better and work on me without being derailed by his attempts to hurt me and make me act "normal". And I don't feel like I need to be angry "so that he knows his behaviour is unnacceptable" either. Why do I need him to know anything? What will it change?

I feel like I had an ill-set bone that was causing me agony my entire life and someone finally saw it, and re-set it for me. It aches a little now, but I know that it's healing right, at last. Yay

This is really important for me because after 8 years of absolute abusive crazy and being utterly consumed with trying to "win his love",  the idea of "focus on me", "move on", "detach" etc have all been very nice and have improved my quality of life in major ways but all of that hurt and confusion was still there and there was no way I could pretend that it had gone away just because I wanted it to.  So maybe I had to go backwards just a little and heal that part of me before I could go forward. I know, focus on the relationship between ABF and myself isn't what I am meant to be doing but this was so helpful for me. I feel at peace with it instead of aching and wondering "why? why didn't he love me? why was I always so crazy? What if I had just...."

Why? Because we were both very, very sick.

Why didn't he love me? He did, as much as he was able and in a really twisted and miserable way.

Why was I always so crazy? Because no sane person can be calm and rational under these circumstances.

What if I had just? Just what? What level of self-control and sacrifice do I imagine I SHOULD have exercised? I tried everything under the sun and more. I was never, ever going to have the power to make us both well. But God help me, I did try. I gave it everything I had until it almost killed me. Imagine what I could do if I put all of that energy into something worthwhile?

Probably the funniest thing is that, the first time I met him I borrowed the Celestine Prophecy from him. He had just read it and we both talked about people feeding from each other and how 2 "half-full" people couldn't come together to make a whole. (We used to talk about cool stuff, once). Like we both knew, and yet we went ahead and tried to do it anyway.

"Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". That speaks to me, properly, for the first time. It's not just words.  I suspect that's what is going on for me.

Thanks for reading my ramblings

 

 

 

 

 



-- Edited by Melly1248 on Sunday 9th of February 2014 09:46:01 AM



-- Edited by Melly1248 on Sunday 9th of February 2014 09:52:45 AM

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el-cee


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Hi Melly

When I think of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex I no longer think of myself as a victim of him. I try to search for my part in it and its always there. I dont mean blame myself for it or look for ways that I may have caused it. I mean I put up with it and I look at why that was the case, it seems you are looking into the whys too.

I look for similar behaviour in myself. His bad behaviour was in most cases mirrored by my own bad behaviour. For example - he would put me down with harsh words - I would believe them, my choice, I never set boundaries, I didnt know how to, I took his words and used them as an excuse to be a victim and feel sorry for myself. 'Change the things I can' part for me is me - take an honest look at my own part, what I gained from it all really, the part I played. This has been a real revelation for me - knowing that I own parts of the relationship, I can look at it, own up to it, forgive myself and him and then move on.

Forgiving him has been difficult, has taken time and I have made huge progress with this part, although, I still have some way to go. My compassion is growing all the time. I can look at my ex's behaviour and I can see it comes from pain, real suffering that really I cant completely understand. It wasnt all about me. His motives, I used to believe were sinister and evil, were really just his way of coping and trying to keep control of his spiralling mental health issues and alcoholism. My living with it for years, enabling and codepending belongs to me and my own pain. When I came to believe that I was not a victim, I was a willing participant I gained freedom and my self esteem has been building ever since. I am much happier looking at him as a damaged person that truly did not want to hurt his family. Letting go of long held beliefs have been the key to my own progress in Alanon. Thanks for sharing.x

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grateful2be


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Beautiful. Profound. Progressive. Honest. Real. Wise. (((M)))

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likemyheart


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Yes Melly, finding out that I was not the ONLY weirdo-freak who's life was a mess worked wonders for me - seeing that others could escape to the freedom of serenity helped me to seek it as well. I also, as I bet most do, read that book nodding and thinking, how could they be writing about me????

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
oldergal


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"Misery loves company" and he wants you to be his company..... og ps I hope you are saving your memoirs they are well written, have humor and may be worth something to someone someday..... :)



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Jen61


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Just ordered from Amazon Getting Them Sober. Can hardly wait to read it. I love your posts Melly. They are so vivid and real. Take care of yourself and your little girl.

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Tan


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Hi. I so wish I could write as eloquently as you Ella.  This process iof healing, taking care of me is so very new for me. Very glad I stumbles on your post.  I will find that book and read it voraciously.  Sounds like a starting point worth the energy, 

 

! A big thank you?



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Debilyn


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Dear one, I invite you to count how many times you wrote HE in your share. I do completely understand, and you may need to get this stuff out, venting. We all know what you are going thru!!~GREAT progress btw.

I invite you to say I. Which you did a lot. Does not matter what the disease does. That poor man is very sick and controlled. But he needs to be to figure out its better to live without drugs.

I raised my kids as a widow.Chose to be single for many years. I was shocked by how much I could do. Built fences, fixed my own washer and dryer. My kids and I always fixed our own vehicles too.

You are very intelligent, you can do anything you put your mind to. If you need help, people love to share what they know!

hon it just does not matter what the A does or says, it has no energy to it. they want us to fight to get them going, its another high for them.

I am glad you are standing up for you. Can tell you are having a a very special miracle happening! love,debilyn

 



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wornoutmrsfixit


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OMG!! I keep a Word document with quotes from points that people make here that resonate with me. The one about how he tries to control your reactions but you have never made any difference in how he proceeds with his life (or something to that effect) is definitely going in there. Wow!!

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Tasha


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Melly - you wrote: Why was I always so crazy? Because no sane person can be calm and rational under these circumstances.


I suspect in time you will discover that healing the things that brought 2 emotionally stunted people together will have this same affect on you as what you're experiencing from reading this fabulous book. There is much more - deeper - 'fabulous' when healing the things of your past that got you hooked up with someone so equally sick as you in the first place.


I am always amazed at people like you, who come through big revelations, and emerge knowing that to know this much means we only know just a little... BUT It FEELS so AMAZING and like such the BIGGEST ever GIFT just to know this! This gratitude, I have found just keeps compounding when I continue the search, and take it ever deeper.

When I started looking into the root causes and conditions of why I ended up with such a sick person - what made me just as sick and why I would have NEVER ended up with anything but someone equally as sick as me... I found true freedom from the bondage of self. I believe in you, and I know your path is getting smoother, and more colorful, and I am so happy for you. Love you Melly.

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