trying to mind my own business - Al-Anon Family Group

jillybean1 · Senior Member

trying to mind my own business

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You are very honest and real with yourself. It is a very hard thing as we may love our A very much. Not many can live with an A. Relapse is part of the disease. This is why al anon hopes to help us to be with them and love them whether they drink or not. They are an addict, it is not curable.

It is good you are looking at this realistically, thinking what if and be proactive just in case. I agree with you and did not allow the A to be near the kids for ten years. No way.

We don't have that fear anymore when we accept they are very sick, and using is just part of them. If they relapse they do, they are A. This is where detachment is vital. Love the person, the disease is his or her business.

We can choose to stay and use al anon skills or not. It's up to each individual.

love,debilyn

hopes314 · Senior Member

Here is my story. My AH quit this past november. He tried to stop in march. :
I thought i wouldnt make it this summer when he was full blown active. I called my sponsor everyday. I went to meetings almost everyday. My sponsor said that he will change as I get better in my recovery. I try to concentrate on my recovery but my bad habits come back and I am eying him out of my corner of my eye watching his every movement. How sick is that?
I know when my behavior gets back on AH or me worrying about what he is doing ---- I need to go to a meeting, call a friend, call my sponsor or my new thing is come here. Write, read, and absorb the wisdom and get me back to thinking about ME.
My AH is going to do what he is going to do which is most likely relapse. Mine is trying to stop without anyones help except he is a strong believer in God.
I can't do the full blown active drunk. I am making sure if that time comes again I will be ready to leave him. Right now I do not have the means plus my kids adore him.
Alnon gives me the coping skills to be happy no matter what my AH is doing. I am only human and I do fall prey to relapse in my recovery too. It does take enormous amount of work from me. I find I am getting stronger and make sure I do not isolate and keep my alnon friends around me helps.
We need every coping skill possible to keep our sanity. I use the slogans all the time. I pray all day for guidance and safety for me and my kids. My relationship with my higher power will let me know when it is time for me to get out. I feel like I am in school learning great lessons for me not the AH.
This disease is frightening, cunning, and baffling. I still do not understand it. I didn't grow up in a AA home. I had no idea this addiction was so bad. It destroys unless they get help.
I am learning to have compassion for my AH. This is so hard for me to do because he has HURT me greatly. I am fighting this at the moment. I don want to be gentle and kind. I am still in denial that this is a disease.

jillybean1 · Senior Member

Well, I was all set to go into the basement and rip it apart looking for the stash, but I took a deep breathe, and came here instead. I have told him that if the drinking starts he will have to leave and I mean it and he knows that. I told him that he should have a plan b, which I think........is living out of his car? Well, I hope it doesn't come to that. Thanks for the input, it really is like throwing out a lifeline on here and when someone responds back......I feel that there is hope and a way to safety.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

When my AW returned from rehab the center required us to have a relapse plan. So we do.

I did find a box of wines about a week after she got home. I wasn't looking for it, but just saw it on top of the fridge in the garage
Couldn't figure out if it was new or leftover from before rehab but pretty sure it was leftover since her attitude had been pretty good since returning from rehab. So I went to the wife and just said "I found a box of wine, and I'm going to dump it. Just thought you would want to know" then went outside and dumped it. Stomach churned quite a bit for awhile.

My son later reminded me that I had found it before she went into rehab, and kept it in case someone wanted some wine for a family get together (no As on that side of family).

It takes a lot of work to keep calm in those kinds of situations. And the next one may rip me away from my recovery, who knows? One day at a time.

Kenny

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand and relate to your post. So much emotion and pressure and it becomes so distressing when I try and control outcomes. The disease had me spinning on a hamster wheel until I decided to step off of it- I got so caught up in trying to move ahead, that I didn't realize that I had a choice to step away (detachment). It takes so much practice to keep the focus on myself and could not have learned how to set effective boundaries that help keep the focus on myself without the help of others in Alanon.

It sounds like you have a plan and that's good. I was told to "expect" slips when my exAH was released from his first rehab. His program was also one of progress and not perfection. A good question to ask yourself to keep the focus on you might be, "What will keep me safe and protect my serenity when a slip occurs?"

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