The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I slipped and allowed myself to feel awful from some things someone else said. I had trusted, admired, and respected this person. I do not know if my perception is distorted or if I understood it the same as anyone else. I know that I need to employ QTIP much more strongly here. But the point is truly about my insecurity and fear of not feeling like I'm good enough, competent enough, or capable enough. It's like something bad crawled under my skin and I can't wash it away.
I'm posting a gratitude and asset list and may do this as often as it takes for me to start freeing myself from my own prison. I'd appreciate any feedback or suggestions. While I am the only one who can do the work, I feel much less than enthusiastic about it right now and need the support from my MIP family.
Gratitude:
1. I'm grateful for my daughter and a wonderful relationship with her.
2. I'm grateful for HP, MIP, and supportive friends.
3. I'm grateful for wholesome opportunities.
4. I'm grateful for choices.
5. I'm grateful for the health that I do have.
6. I'm grateful for managing the things that I am able to manage.
7. I'm grateful for personal growth.
Asset:
1. I am a loving, kind soul with much to offer.
2. I'm attractive inside and out.
3. I'm beginning a new career path that seems to have unlimited possibilities.
4. I'm praying and listening for a direction from my HP. Clearly, I started in the wrong direction (again) and was put back to the starting line (for a reason yet to be revealed.)
Lists seem a little lame today. What kept coming up as I was doing them was fear and lack of trust. It went something like, "I'm grateful for my daughter", "but I'm afraid I may not be so loveable."... well, I do have friends... "I'm grateful for MIP and friends, etc". Then for assets, I kept thinking "assets" as in no money, starving and homeless, not being able to generate an income... When people refer to walking down certain dark roads- I notice that I don't walk, it's more like run, charge, or do a one-woman stampede down them!
I reached out to a few people, but really need to focus on my studies and I'm having a bear of a time getting unstuck.
My life is being affected by an active A and a non-A that also has triggers and I cannot entirely move away from it, but I can fortify my program. Will need to make another pass at this. :-/
Good work in doing the asset and gratitude list EVEN though those negative voices tried to negate all that you wrote. It is a beginning and at first that is exactly what I experienced.
I could not even think of one thing to be grateful for or a single asset. My sponsor suggested that I could be real simple and be grateful that I was breathing and an asset was that I was able to walk My negative voice said :"BUT I AM NOT"!!
It was explained that I did not have to feeAl the gratitude or really feel the asset, I just had to list them, see them , begin to own them . That was enough for a beginning. Eventually I cannot say when , I began to feel the gratitude and believe the listed assets (the list had grown considerably) by then
keep on taking care of you and know that this tool works.
I can think of a few more assets for you: you are an intelligent,generous, compassionate, empathic, professional women who has been succeeded in the Business world and are now using your many skills to embark on a new career.
My fear, insecurity, and excessive sense of competition and perfection catapulted into overdrive. I don't know how shame entered in to this, but it's gotta leave too! It feels like I was minding my own business and then BAM!
I like Betty's last message cause I see it that way myself. One of my experiences early on in program which I intentionally worked for a couple of years was to ask people in the fellowship to give me "feedback" on what they thought of what I said or how they heard how I said it. I also asked my sponsorship to critique how they thought I was doing in recovery. I did this for several reasons; one being I didn't trust my own perceptions, another was so that I wouldn't grow accidentally and on purpose and another was so I could broaden my perceptions by the numbers of members I asked. They loved to critique and give feedback and I knew I was tapping into one of the charcteristics we sometimes were blamed for...giving unwanted judgements and then I was asking for it. Its valueable, in my experience to get that feedback and one reason why I love my MIP family. ((((hugs))))
Thank you Jerry! I realize that I had expectations. I'm sure the other party was not consciously trying to be malicious. Fear's voice inside my head has taken center stage- a big no no. I agree that feedback is extremely valuable and I am open to hearing it and holding myself accountable to what is on my side of the street.
This interaction was contributory- where both parties added negativity. I'm struggling with trying to get back on my feet after my exAH has drained my assets and energies- and all I want is to hear that things will be ok- not to worry. I did not receive any support from this person- this person has financial success in a different industry and went thru the same process of rebuilding over the past few years; my bad is being thrown by it.
In my heart, I know nothing changed - one person's opinion or lack thereof does not effect a difference- I am still the same person I was prior to the conversation. It is my fear that went on autopilot and latched onto the negativity and then grew. My fear can be as endless as my vivid imagination. For me, this fear-based obsession is dangerous.
I did a 4th step, but not sufficiently- this trigger is huge and tricky to manage - bringing up so many things, so I'll redo along with my gratitude and asset lists. This is my opportunity to handle this well- to overcome what I've inadvertently accepted and to learn not to take on things that do not belong to me. I'm taking action by reviewing my next steps with business and moving towards potential.
