Guilt trip are ok - Al-Anon Family Group

Wisdom67 · Senior Member

Guilt trip are ok

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Wisdom,

Thank you for your honest and in-depth share. I appreciated the wisdom and the recovery with which you spoke.

Keep taking care of yourself, know that you're not alone .It is important to trust that your HP will walk with you as you travel this journey.

Please keep coming back

cwya · Senior Member

I''m so glad you're here Wisdom. You have great courage to share so openly. We are here for you anytime. You should congratulate yourself for stepping out of the mind games environment of your A ex. I had a dry alcoholic who did this to me too.

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs wisdom. I missed you around here!
You are dealing with so much internal and external stuff but you still have the courage to say "this is BS, I deserve better".
Please stop listening to that man. Has listening to what he says ever brought you any peace or happiness?
I know it's so very hard but you can crawl out from under the dreadful weight of his crazy ego and live a free and wonderful life. Listen to your voice, not his!!!

hopes314 · Senior Member

Thank you do much for sharing. I wondered if you lived at my house. It is the same here.
I have detached to the point I am a mile away while he is in the room.
Why do I expect normal behavior from a very sick man.

I don't even know if he is drinking or not.it was suppose to be not but they tell me they can fool even me.

I want God to open my eyes so that I can move and make a decision.
I expect a lie.
Mine was sober since Nov but now I think he has relapsed. He is so good I can't tell if he is sober or not. Can they be that good just buzzed enough to
not slur.
I want to get to the point to take the focus off of him and focus on myself. Who else is going to treat me better and be there for me... except for me.

I ponder the same questions as you do.
I am baffled and can't believe I am not going more for myself.

I must be in denial and naive. When am I going to wake up..

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((RM))) you are doing very good...you're working it!! I know how I use to react to my alcoholic/addicts finger pointing and blame and then I learned not to and also that I didn't have to at all. I made the changes not to see a change in her and only to get a change in me. Keep going sis...you're doing good. (((hugs))) smile

cwya · Senior Member

Hopes, I was married to an alcoholic who was so good at camouflage, he displayed no symptoms of being drunk despite drinking a couple of literss of wine a day! I was very good at this also when I drank. Thirty years later, I finally realized that all of his abuse and anger were while he was in a blackout. This disease truly is baffling, cunning and powerful. Many As show no outward signs at all that people associate with being drunk other than the personality changes. I think its important for us as alanons to learn all we can about the disease, not to focus on the A, but to understand the why, how, what of the disease so we can understand it and let it go, recognizing tht we should treat the A like any victim of disease. I wouldn't blame a cancer patient for the side effects of chemo so I shouldn't blame to an A for his side effects of his disease. Hope this makes sense. I'm half asleep but I just recently realized my A ex actions and have been able to nott blame him for the way he treated me in a blackout.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Wisdom, its so good to hear from you and you sound brilliant. Full of awareness of reality, out from that dark cave of denial and into the light, its truly a miracle.

My ex done this to me too and I never even saw it really, I thought that when he directed my thoughts, criticised, blamed, berated me he was showing me he loved and cared for me and he was the man of the house and he did know better than me. He got sobriety for around 6 years with no program so all the underlying mental health issues remained. He was so negative, day and night, no coping skills so always on the lookout for a scapegoat, someone to blame for his dis-ease, someone to dump it all on. He found the ultimate scapegoat - his mother, his childhood, me, the kids, perfect reasons that explained his feelings, his unhappiness, his negative outlook on life and the perfect excuse to not seek help or not make changes. His thinking was that he couldnt help how he was because he couldnt change his past so that was it and this was him, end of story. So in his eyes the world and everyone on it needed to change and then, just maybe, he would feel better. In many ways his sober years were worse, he was just an angry, sober drunk. I couldn't stand it and left.

Dealing with my part in this has helped me so much. Many of his faults that I despised, I also had. I blamed him for everything, never looked at me, never thought to look at me. He was my scapegoat, I had a negative outlook, I was manipulative and angry, almost the same as him. All the while trying to raise 3 children in this toxic mix.

It sounds to me that you are detaching brilliantly, maybe you need to put some boundaries in place like - if you insult me again I will leave the room, I will no longer listen to abuse, if you keep doing this in an unemotional, matter of fact way, he should stop. Dont give him his audience when he starts this crap, dont listen, defend, justify, argue, explain, all this gives worth to his words. They can only sting or hurt if you allow them too. The power for this to stop is in your own hands. Good luck.x

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.