Prevent a crisis? - Al-Anon Family Group

Marie212 · Member

Prevent a crisis?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

To me, any mentally impaired person is lacking the reasoning skills to drive an automobile. If I can safely remove the keys I will do it. To me, that's different than intervening when my A may lose his job for not going to work. If I know an impaired person is driving an auto, I would also call the police.

ODAT method (as found in Hope for Today) of discerning God's will: Do I have the opportunity, the desire, the ability and the time to do something? If I can answer yes to all 4 questions, I believe on faith I am carrying out God's will.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 6th of February 2014 07:24:57 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 6th of February 2014 07:25:35 PM

Marie212 · Member

Thank you grateful2be! That helps clarify things. As it turned out the friend cancelled their dinner so my husband/qualifier stayed home. I guess both our "higher powers" were looking out for us!

But I may be faced with a similar situation again.

Marie

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Marie: Others may think differently about this, but I have learned that being in doubt about my response in a situation can be changed to clarity when I use that ODAT helper and the 4 questions. Good luck. As an addendum: Detachment invites us not to do for our loved one what they can do for themselves. I don't see an active A is capable of saying "no" to driving a car when they are under the influence. So, if I have the opportunity, I will say no provided no one will be harmed to include myself.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 6th of February 2014 10:06:39 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 6th of February 2014 10:07:19 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 6th of February 2014 10:07:42 PM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I have taken keys away from AW. the problem is it still wasn't enough to keep her out of the car when I wasn't around. So now there have been 2 DUIs.

In hindsight I wish I would have set a boundary with her that stated that explicitly, instead of doing it ad hoc when I saw she was drunk. I would do it when I would see she was drunk. If she relapses I will state explicitly that she won't drive when drunk whether that involves taking keys or calling cops.

That isn't a problem for awhile as she has lost her license for a year and is on BAC monitor. But this is better than the guilt from her having killed herself and/or someone else.

Peace
Kenny

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I look at it this way. If my son gets in a car under the influence I will call the police or try and take the keys away.

Welcome to MIP Marie

Marie212 · Member

Thanks for your input, Kenny.

I know this may sound awful but I sometimes find myself hoping he would get a DUI/DWI. As long as it doesn't involve hurting an innocent person.

So should I tell him (when he's sober) that I cannot stand by if he's clearly under the influence and tries to get behind the wheel? That I will call the police?

Yikes.

Marie

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

That doesn't sound awful, it sounds desperate. I've been there, and I completely understand. You might want to ask yourself if that isn't actually the best thing for him. I don't know the answer to that for your situation.

The last time my AW got a DUI she was attempting to pick up our son from school. She didn't get reckless endangerment because, well, I'm mot sure, I still don't know the whole story, but it must have been HP protecting her bottom-strike.

After her second DUI she got good help at an excellent inpatient center and has been sober for almost 90 days and I don't see her going into relapse if she keeps it up as strong as she is. But she went through the embarrassment of getting busted for DUI in the school parking lot, then was in jail in the receiving tank on suicide watch for 10 days due to parole violation and telling her lawyer she felt she had no reason to live.

Still all better than killing someone. And it was that experience that caused her to start in recovery.

Peace
Kenny

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I wanted to say even a dui 2010 hasn't kept my stbax from drinking and driving. Plus it was a terrible financial issue to boot. I would gladly have paid the money has anything come of it .. the reality is it didn't change anything. This was his 2nd, technically 3rd, and they had him dead to right .. his behavior hasn't changed .. he's just tried to get smarter. He still believes he got away with it ... lol. Anyway, you bet I would call the police. I have a restraining order and he violated it 3x in the first 3 weeks .. I decided that the 3rd time I have to deal with him over the next 9 years .. I needed to reinforce my boundaries. After a disastrous visitation .. praying 24 hours ... I decided I needed to the police. I have zero regrets and I will do it again if necessary. I don't consider it causing a crisis .. it was a matter of boundaries and natural consequences. Allowing the behavior that the courts deemed unacceptable would have been enabling. Drive drunk I will call the police. Hugs ..

Marie212 · Member

Thanks for sharing. It seems like your AW may have hit her bottom. But it sounds like it came at a high cost. It's just a tough situation to be in, or be witness to.

I don't know if a DUI/DWI would serve as a wake-up call for my husband? It may be a moot point if I see him trying to drive while under the influence & I'm unable to take the car keys..

So much for one day at a time!

Marie212 · Member

Ok. thank you for a lot of food for thought. I don't know that a DUI would bring about any positive change. But not risking the lives of others is most important.

Thanks SerenityRUS

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Last night's F2F meeting was about detachment with love. It was a small meeting and we were all able to ramble on for our shares. After it was all said and done, we decided that our struggles with detachment were amongst the hardest, year most vital, struggles that we have had. It gave us all the means to be able to have our own lives without being overly influenced by the moods and crises of the A, and allowed the A to end up with the natural consequences of his/her behavior. I believe we started with p. 124 in C2C, May 3.

It *is* difficult. Involving/asking HP helps me. I will pray HP help you as well.

Peace
Kenny

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I make the decision by asking myself, what would I do if this was a stranger? If I see a stranger drunk and getting into or driving a car, I call the police. No question. So I have no problem calling the police and reporting a drunk driver whether its my A or another.

Other than calling the police, I don't get involved. I think I would probably tell my A that he could expect me to automatically call if I see him or anyone else driving drunk. Then there is no decision, it's just a fact and he can do what he likes and take the consequences. But YMMV. My decision isn't yours. You have to do what is best for you.

In recovery,

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

My program has taught me to be honest and committed to doing the right thing which was hard to do before program. That part of the serenity prayer that says the courage to change the things I can is the part that has me "interfere" with a crises for which the crises then may not happen. Would my interference result in preventing it from happening...don't know and still I will interfere. As a former employee of the California Highway Patrol (experience) I know of know one who would like to wander thru the scene of a drug/alcohol related homicide. I've participated in one event that took the lives of 15 people. Yes I'll pull the keys...yes I've called for the officers...yes I've called for the ambulance. "When anyone anywhere reaches out for help...I want the hand of Al-Anon to always be there...and for that I am responsible". ((((hug)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

A dear friend of mine drove to see me on halloween one year. kids all over. He was very drunk. Played his games with me, had to stay at my house as he locked his keys in his truck. I check truck, no keys.

I tell him to get in the truck I am driving you to your aunts house. so I did, handed her the keys. I walked home.

NO way was I going to chance that.

YOU bet! when it comes to this I will intervene every time. I will let air out of two tires, I will do whatever I can to prevent them from driving.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I will call the police if I see my AH drive while intoxicated. I have told him that and whether he remembers me telling him that or not I will. In our state if you have 3 DUI's in 10 years it is an automatic 1500 hours in jail up to 5 years. My husband has had 2. We had a terrible tragedy a couple of weeks ago where a man got in his car drunk and crashed into a family, killing their 3 year old little boy. I could never live with myself knowing that I did nothing. When they are drinking they are never in their right mind.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.