The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel much like a hypocrite. I was spouting the importance of compassion and understanding to another on a board the night before, and now here I am, enraged. He was a week in. Yet, I am not surprised as he has done nothing to seek support. No meetings. No therapist or substance abuse counselor. He has holed up in our apartment and has basically hardly spoken. I have found lil' solace in his sobriety, and have been trying to be patience through the mood swings and behavior brought on by DT's.
Just a few nights ago, I witnessed my dear boyfriend, undergo alcoholic seizures in the late of the night. I awoke to a sound that I had heard 3 years prior when my father died of what inevitably turned into brain cancer. I begged him to go to the doctor, but he refused, saying they have happened dozens of times before when he has tried to be sober. I cried myself to sleep, so scared they would happen again.
I feel such resentment for having to relive my grief through those seizures. I feel such isolation from his distant nature, and he's here now, and I'm just trying to get away and write this to find solace, as its too late in the evening for an alanon meeting and I have yet to make any real connections outside of meetings.
I am trying to be understanding, as he had a horrible day. He was injured on the job. While I feel for his pain. I sometimes doubt his side of the story when he comes home. I know what it is like to live with a man who never holds himself to his responsibilities. I can only imagine what it would be like to rely on him from an employers prospective. His boss does sound unreasonable at times. He would hate me if he knew I felt this way, but I am the sort of person who tries to see the story from all sides.
All I feel right now, is that I don't want to be in the middle of his battle with sobriety. I don't think I can handle it. We've agreed on getting separate spaces when he has the money, and now he is worried with the injury and the bad blood from his employer, that he will lose or quit the job. I don't know how much longer I can handle all this. I love him. I want to be with him, but I need my space. He says he might move back north with his family, which is hundreds of miles away, when he told me a week ago on the initiation of his sobriety that he couldn't imagine living without me. I am not ready to let go of him, but I do need to find a healthier way to come home at the end of my day, when I open the door to a red mouthed, alcoholic. Any words of encouragement? Thanks for reading.
-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 6th of February 2014 12:56:53 AM
Hi. The best words of encouragement I can offer you is to focus on yourself and what you can do to help yourself feel better - even good. As much as we want to remain with our As, it can be a very difficult road to walk. Al-Anon helps us set boundaries for ourselves and to clear up any confusion we might have about what is in our best interest. I'm not sure how long you've been attending Al-Anon meetings, so maybe you've heard all this before? If not, I highly recommend attending as many meetings as you can to benefit yourself and to gain the support of others who are and have been in the same types of circumstances. Keep coming back here, too.
Hugs .. AS .. what I'm curious about and I'm not in any way wanting to seem harsh so please accept this at face value .. how come you guys getting separate spaces is contingent on him being financially set .. that isn't your issue .. that is HIS to deal with. He's a big boy and going to have to deal with his consequences and honestly .. I'm not concerned about him .. I feel badly from what you describe, .. honestly those are the consequences of his choices. Yes, addiction is a disease .. however .. we are all responsible for the choices and consequences of those choices. I'm not saying leave, stay or whatever .. I'm just saying maybe it's time to start thinking about what is best for YOU instead of him.
My concern is for you, your isolation, what do you want?
My stbax is behind in child support and last year about this time wound up totaling a "new" car .. well it was new to him bought with money that he should have placed with me for his children. Anyway, point is .. the story .. I will never know the truth of the story from him .. I do know the truth .. who totals a car by having a concrete barrier jump out in front of them in a parking lot mind you, .. THEN they don't go to the hospital for 48 hours and he broke his wrist and smashed his face badly .. I mean to the point that when you look at him there is something wrong with one of his eyes. It no longer tracks when you look at him. It makes him look whack a doo. Point of my story is that I was at an open AA meeting I relayed the story and to give you an idea of MY denial .. one of my good friends an RA looked at me and starts laughing .. and says OMGOSH .. S .. that is a drunk story. She grabbed another RA and he confirmed .. it was a shock .. and I was angry at first .. it was what I needed to hear. It stripped my denial and when he went back to doing what he was doing I wasn't shocked because the disease has such a hold and still does .. he showed me who he was and I still didn't believe him. I won't ever know the real story .. even once he gets sober .. he won't be able to tell me the story because I doubt he will remember. Honestly, I knew what I needed to know .. the story wasn't true and I accepted that fact. I did confront him and not in a mean way .. I told him .. look .. I know a drunk story and that my friend is a drunk story .. if you can't tell me the truth that's fine .. just don't give me a drunk story. He can't deal with the truth .. obviously .. for me it was a gift because it showed me I was completely over the relationship and I didn't want to be with him anymore .. I wanted what he couldn't give me and that wasn't fair of me. He's a sick man.
I hope you can find additional support AND a sponsor .. that is sooo important for you because you are right .. you shouldn't have to go through this alone and trying to rationalize with someone who is caught in active disease is just like going to the hardware store for bread .. you might find it .. it's going to be made of sawdust and that is pretty icky going down. I'm just so sorry that you are having to go through this stuff and not have face to face support .. that is very scary and it is hard.
Keep coming back, hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Those seizures would frighten me half to death. They are not safe either, I mean for him. He may be used to them (what kind of person takes alcoholic seizures for granted?!), but that doesn't mean he's safe. It is perfectly permissible, and I would say advisable, to call 9-1-1 when these happen. He may get mad about it later, but that would totally be like an alcoholic -- to get mad because you saved his life.
This is definitely a high-stress situation and I would think anyone would be bothered by it. It is undoubtedly more comfortable for him than for you. (For one thing, drinking numbs alcoholics to discomfort -- plus drinking is their number one priority, so he has his number one priority.) That means that it is in his interest never to have enough money to move out. So if you wait for him to take action, you could easily be in this same situation this time next year -- only with a year more of stress and pain under your belt.
Thank you for sharing with us!! My greatest encouragement that I can give to you is also my Experience Strength & Hope...Please take care of you by seeking and finding face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area!! Alcoholism is too much for must of us to handle, our thinking becomes distorted without even realizing it!
They will tell you what you want to hear but their words & actions must match! As well as ours must match! If he has a family & is threatening you that he is going to go home to them, I must ask, what would be so bad about that? Whether he does or doesn't I hope you will choose to get into Al-Anon, Al-anon literally saved my life, my childrens lives & as a bonus, ended up saving my marriage There is a lot of HOPE HERE in Al-Anon!
Prayers to you!
Keep Coming Back, it Works If You Work It & YOU ARE WORTH IT!
What we go through...
My Ah found some web site that helped him wean off the alcohol to prevent seizures. It took him 7 days. And bring around them during the withdrawal phase is extremely hard because their mood swings are all over the place.
What helped me is to go to as many alnon meetings to keep you strong. Mine vented anger to me and I would not let myself engage in these insane emotional conversations. I walked away. He would try to suck me in a fight and I would leave. He got depressed and I would go into another room. Mine was nice and then not very nice.
It is hard just protect yourself.
Hope
__________________
I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
Remember, whatever you do doesn't have to be forever. You can leave, or have him leave, and then reevaluate in 3 months, 6 months.... however long you want it to be, and you can change your mind or decide to keep what you have. Try something else. Draw a line through the house and stay on your own side. Have him move back to his family. Stay as it is now. Whatever you decide, you can change your mind later.
Compassion is a hard thing to have right now. He is a drowning man and trying to hold you under the water with him.
But we will all tell you to take care of yourself. No one is thinking of you except YOU! Your alcoholic is NOT thinking of you! You have to take care of yourself.
There is a lot of HOPE HERE in Al-Anon!