One month since AM passed and it's only getting harder - Al-Anon Family Group

Daughter · Newbie

One month since AM passed and it's only getting harder

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

No matter what it is hard to lose our parents. I would say in my experience I had times hit me like you. I suppose I could go a month just talking to her on the phone etc. so when a month or so went by for me, it felt wrong. Something was missing, my mother. Even now 14 years later, it bugs me about every sunday as we almost always saw each other.

My life was totally changed when she died. It was no longer familiar in any way. summer comes, who do I pick fruit with, going to the thrift shops, no one to laugh with, where is my mother?

I have acreage with ponds etc. I found a ton of frogs one day. My mother loved the sounds of frogs, I fell apart. It hits me still.

It's good you are healing, it hurts horribly. At first we are protected by this fog, plus we have not missed them yet.

When we lose a loved one we become wounded. Wounds can take a long time to heal.

I had to learn to treat me so gentle, still do. I take care of my heart. I have had to suffer more deaths than most, it is never easy. But what I did too was put the good things in my thoughts, throw away the regrets, they don't matter. I keep a list in my head of what I want to tell her when I see her again. I have almost no doubt that I will.

I hope you love you, and be glad for what you did have. warm hug,debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Daughter
I am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your Mother. It is a difficult loss to experience and to grieve. The feelings that you describe,the anger at the medical profession, at the person who died, at the disease, the guilt , the longing etc are all feelings that jumped up inside me when I lost my husband.. No matter how hard I tried to wish them away or reason them out-they remained. I am glad you are seeking support.

Grieving is a process that cannot be rushed. I see that you have had a powerful dream of your Mom . It appears that you both connected with much love. I have had such dreams and thank HP for the experience I do believe that I experienced a Spiritual Connection in those dreams and it sounds as if you did as well. Treasure the memory

When i was in pain I reached out to my alanon family and was supported through the pain I learned that I had to accept the pain, walk through it by owning it, sharing about it and then trusting that it would lift. Today I still feel the bitter sweet loss deep within and the acceptance of the situation enabled me to let go and live once again. I do hope you search out Face to Face metings and attend

Keep coming back and sharing It helps

Rose50 · Senior Member

I am so very sorry for your tragic loss.

((((((hugs)))))

ParisMemories · Senior Member

Dear D I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much it hurts to lose your mom. My mother died in 2001, from cancer, and I still miss her everyday. My mom wasn't an A, that was my dad. But mom never found alanon, she had grown up in an alcoholic family, carried all the isms, married an A and then passed all that down to me so I could follow her example and do the same. I miss her daily, I love her, and I'm angry at some of the ways she was as a mother, I'm sad that we didn't get to resolve all our issues before she passes, but I'm also encouraged that she is watching over me now and can see the recovery path I'm walking. I hope she is proud. You say you haven't been to meetings or found a sponsor yet. I encourage you to do those things. The friends I've made in alanon, mostly women, have become surrogate moms and sisters to me. No one will ever take the place of my mom, but these dear friends have encouraged, listened, given me a dose of reality when I need it, much like a mom would do. I will say a prayer for you and your mom. Have faith, things will get better. Thanks for being here. Paris

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

When my Mom died, I noticed there were emotional highs, lows and in betweens. My grief ebbed and flowed like the tides. Sometimes there were crashing waves of emotion and sometimes a gentle subsiding of the turmoil that lead to a still point for awhile. Like in Al-Anon, I had to take it one day at a time. I was gentle with myself. I had good supports who helped me know I wasn't alone. Feeling my feelings, sharing with others, writing letters to my Mom, spending time with people who weren't afraid to let me cry or storm or complain and didn't try to fix me just cared was a big help. I also sought out the help of a Hospice counselor who helped me grieve deeply and well. There was no cost and it was a big help to meet with her at that time. My Mom's death was cancer, too, but it was sudden in a lot of ways - like the loss of your Mom. On holidays and her birthday, I did things I knew she would like. I also placed a shepherd's hook with a hummingbird (the bird that represents joy and was always in her garden the summer she was dying) and hung her favorite summer flower next to her tombstone.

My Mom wasn't an alcoholic, but she was an ACOA. Our relationship was complicated. I grieved for what I missed and I grieved for what I lost. Mom wasn't an easy person for me to relate to as I grew up. She had lots of isms as did I. But, she was my Mom. She was beautiful. She was talented. She was smart. She was wise. There were things she did before she died that hurt me as a child, a teen, a young adult and as an older adult when she developed cancer. There were things I needed to forgive and there were things I would never understand. I needed to grieve all of that, too.

But, the one thing that was true for me from childhood right up to the day she died and beyond it - I loved my Mom and it sounds like you love yours, too? For all their flaws, our parents generally are our first loves and as the saying goes - "We never forget our first loves." I don't think we ever totally give up on them either - even when they are sick or hurtful to us. Many, many prayers for you and encouragement to you to keep coming back here and to grieve well with others who understand that experience and learn how to grow through it and beyond it.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha (((Daughter)))... with a few exceptions I have mostly been able to rationalize loss and minimize grief. Most normally I've been an isolator and loner with few exceptions and so while I've had close relationships they never have been so close that I was unable to let them go when the time was right. I lost my natural father at the age of 6 and will everyone around me exhibited and acted out grief I didn't understand because we knew he was dying for a fatal disease for a long while. I felt grief in Al-Anon when I "had to" let go of my alcoholic/addict wife or suffer the chance of loosing my own life after I lost my sanity and then that was one of only a few times I did. Acceptance is a natural part of my personality I believe and for that I am grateful. I do understand where you are at and what you are going thru from the experience of being part of this family which also helped me improved on the tool of acceptance. Please get into the face to face meetings and improve on your recovery. (((((hugs))))) smile

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Daughter, I'm soooo sorry for your loss and I can't imagine trying to rationalize a very irrational situation just to process what has happened .. all I can say .. I used to work in the funeral business (and unfortunately yes .. it is a business) something I learned though about grief is there is no time limit on processing loss. Death is a very permanent thing .. there is no going back and fixing anything .. the people who live on without their loved one are left at times to try and deal with hard questions and answers. Please do be very gentle with yourself. Please do allow yourself to cry and grieve as you need to. Please do find a support group, if you do attend meetings .. a sponsor and so on. It really makes a difference because you don't have to do this alone. Grieving is hard stuff. While time won't make it all go away and better .. it will ease the pain, it will allow for seeing someone as they really were, good bad, beautiful and ugly even. I think in situations like this where there is addiction involved when it's appropriate to take a look at self forgiveness. What happened with your mom is not in any way your fault, I think as someone who has loved an addict there is a lot to get caught up in with that idea. If I had only been .. (fill in the blank). For right now .. just grieve and it gets worse sometimes before it gets better .. definitely find a support group .. even if it's not alanon (I think that would be a really great option) .. it would help you know .. you are NOT alone in this process.

Hugs S :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I lost my dad who was an addict when I was younger and my oldest child wasn't old enough to remember how funny he was and I just felt ripped off and pissed. I grew up in dysfunction and didn't have the best childhood, but through working my al-anon program I have found acceptance in it and through it. I used to hate my Mom who still is alive and I felt so betrayed that the more enjoyable parent died when I was young, but I have worked through all the emotions of it. It does take time and processing. I am sorry you hurt and well grief has a way of taking it out of you. Try to look at your emotions as they bubble up and deal with them as they come and as you can. I buried a lot back then and had more to do later when I was ready. We all have had to deal with losses especially when A's are involved whether they are dead or alive and it is never easy. I hope you are able to make it to face to face meetings and not sure if you have a sponsor but mine is my life saver at times that I really need someone. Keep on keeping on. Sending you love and support!

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

((( Daughter )))) I think in alanon you will find others who understand perhaps as few others 'can .. it's ok to be gentle .. there is so much in the grief cycle .. when my mother passed, i was one of those who got to make peace .. but there are relationships in the past i've had where i didn't .. one thing i've learned is i can never go back and change the past, but i can change my perception of it .. the healing does and will come .. i'm glad you have the support you do, i'm also glad you will be going to alanon because the steps will heal much of this if we try to keep an open mind and do the work, etc ..

i remember leaving home and carrying with me so much pain, insecurity, obsession, anger, loss, etc .. as the disease distanced us more, i realised i obssessed on things to keep them close .. even if that meant the only memories i could remember would be painful .. feeling the pain made me feel close to them and i loved them so much i was willing to carry anything .. even pain .. eventually i began to let go .. never of those i loved, but the control over what i couldn't change .. i am still working on me and letting go of many things ..

alanon is not a religious program, but it is a spiritual one .. i can read the same books for years and always ''hear something different .. i can listen and hear something in shares today .. my mind is opening and through this process i am learning there is a difference between hearing and really hearing something .. when my addicts mother died i was talking alloud my somewhat of an amends to her .. (9th step work so) but talking and telling her i wasn't sure how i would ever heal the relationship with her .. what i heard my higher power saying was this .. you can still talk to her .. only now .. she can hear you as in understand .. takes time .. i hope it's ok for me to share this (just sharing experience which may or may not give strength and hope)

there is even a process in grief of coming to believe the whole thing really happened .. one day at a time .. keep sharing and keep things simple ((( hugs )))

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

One more word of hope .. it's pretty surprising how many relationships can heal even when others are no longer with us .. there is always hope ..

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.