Looking for ESH on insecurity - Al-Anon Family Group

atheos · Senior Member

Looking for ESH on insecurity

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

Hello!

For me, al-anon helped me to focus on myself as opposed to others. When I did that, the worry of what they thought of me or if they liked me faded away. It isn't as if I ever had any control over what they thought or felt. I found that when I was looking outside myself for approval or confidence I overlooked my biggest fan, MYSELF. It did not happen overnight because it was hard to change the inner dialogue going on inside my head but slowly thing began to change.

((( big e-hug )))

angelenvy · Newbie

How do you start to change that inner voice? Are there any good articles to start reading as I am very new and planning on joining my first live meeting tomorrow? Any advice on that would be great.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Loving an A can sometimes bring down our self love. We also put more into them than us. The A also may bring us down with abuse.

I was already working on me,went back to college in my forties. Al Anon taught me it was ok to think of me,in fact I needed to love me to be able to truly love anyone else.

told myself in my head I am ok just how I am. If I told myself those dumb negative thoughts in my head, I would say stop! and put in you are ok just how you are. I NEVER say mean thing to me anymore and have not for years. I love the person my HP gave me to be, and I love how I am growing into a better person still.

I don't care what others think of me, but it does still hurt if they are rude or cruel to me. Now I face them and tell them I will not allow anyone to treat me like that. Or, I deserve respect. I started taking care of ME, I have worth. whether anyone else sees it well too bad.

A pharmacist was just rude to me, I immediately told him what I said above. How dare he be rude to me. I am a nice person most all the time. I smile, laugh, love to be helpful etc.

Al anon reminds me of my strengths. the quotes we use make me stronger. Its taught me I can choose how i want to react. Where someone will go off on me, I will listen and say ok may I speak now? instead of crying or cussing etc. I walk into the conflict and put it out, I don't run. conflict does not scare me anymore.

I believe Al Anon really really helps us to grow to know "we can do anything we choose to." May take some work but our goals can be attained. After we grow and change what we want, we wont care at all what others think of us becuz we love that person we are.

Really if someone thinks bad of us, we don't need/want them as a friend anyway, who cares what they think? Also for me, if I feel I honor HP first, and feel loved by him, again I don't care if anyone else likes me.

Glad you are here, great subject as most of us come here feeling pretty down and unloved. hugz,debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great questions Atheos I can identify with the feelings and your discovery.I have been attending alanon for over 30 years and I too stopped attending face to face meetings when my hubby gained sobriety and I thought that I could do it on my own. In a short time my defects surfaced and I was miserable They had nothing to do with drinking it was my THINKING that was getting me into trouble. I resumed daily meetings and soon regained my sense of self, myself respect, my ability to inter act with people in a constructive manner This happened as a result of attending meetings, sharing at meetings, reading the daily readers, getting a sponsor, working the steps and then practicing these principles in all my affairs Most importantly I learned that I had to" Keep coming back". That I.like the alcoholic am never cured and get a daily reprieve as long as I practice this program I do hope you can start back to your meetings.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Atheos,

I think for me what has helped me a great deal is being able to not take things personally. OMGOSH .. if I can tell you how many times I did something and then the tapes would play .. I should have, could have, would haven's are playing in my mind. I should all over myself and I don't give myself a break .. that is so not fair. I should be gentle with myself just like I would my best friend.

Part of what has played a big part of my own healing is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing I have PSTD issues I have dealt with) along with Alanon and working the steps (slowly, has lead to self acceptance). I was really able to see what is my issue what is someone else's issue and how to separate the two. I don't know if that makes sense or not .. I used to overthink .. what if's. What if I do ABC and Z happens .. What if I do XYZ and D happens .. What if .. what if .. what if. I was really able to apply some slogans to these situations .. QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally), what other people think is none of my business, Stay in my own hula hoop and let the universe take care of the rest. When I stopped trying to control all of the outcomes things started to fall into place. I have stopped trying to be perfect. I can allow others the same grace.

It has taken self acceptance that I am who I am .. I get up every day trying to be the best person I can be .. not perfect ... just putting my best foot forward.

Gratitude has played a big part .. most of all .. just baby steps .. doing one thing that I might feel fear about and doing it anyway. It doesn't even have to be daily .. just doing it because it's a good thing to do. I have been more pleasantly surprised than not. If I'm not .. I just say oh well .. LOL.

Most importantly keep showing up for you .. because the your authentic you is going to eventually show up and the person you want to be is going to catch up to who you are already.

Hugs S :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I found when I stop my al-anon meetings and contact I backslide to old habits pretty quickly. I had to work through my steps to get rid of my layers of guilt and shame. I too was afraid of what I thought people would think of me and I worried about what was going on in their heads regarding me. After voicing it all to my sponsor and cleaning house it was just easier to realize it does not matter what other people may be thinking. Do the work, you are worth it! Sending you love and support!

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

When i was growing up, I too "felt very insecure .. still do in some situations, some not so much .. the insecurity i felt at home went both ways .. first off .. the environment didn't feel 'secure as in safe .. there were behaviors, arguments, criticisms, blames, outcasting, etc .. behaviors .. how was i supposed to feel safety as i do in an alanon meeting .. etc .. used to think security, insecurity was somehow a trait in me like i wasn't put together right at birth or something or part of my character .. or then it translated to highschool meanings, etc .. strong if you are showing you are completely secure .. what a horrible feeling to not be able to share on and to have to hide all these years .. especially because i am powerless on my own to work through it .. sheeshh crazy making .. if i'm scared to secretly share something it's because i forget these are the common hidden problems of alcoholism .. this is a we program, we are not the only ones .. =)

on the otherhand, i felt security at times at home too because when i was growing up, alot of the responsibility to control things belonged to others .. i wasn't really a part of a group but i felt safe because nothing was expected of me .. (how sad) .. when i would go out out however, secretly with others more responsible i might feel unsafe because i don't have the same ''sense of responsibility others learned to grow through the years ..

i still feel some insecurity today .. i have a whole slew of these behaviors Still tucked away inside me as i prepare to again work another 4th and 5th .. i spent years prealanon blaming others for my lot in life .. secure today ? more so but not always. today i see what all that secret blaming was doing to me .. i was staying stuck in certain areas and now i am finally looking at the mess and preparing to once again turn it over .. but nothing happens just like that .. some of the insecurity stems from my own behaviors i still need to clean up .. work through .. heal .. etc ..

i am happy to share on anything today because I am learning to trust my higher power .. regardless of anything shared, how i feel about it, vulnerable, possibly judged if ever, etc .. i am ok with it because i can trust God will use it toward my best interest and i will keep growing my relationship .. with him ..

keep coming back !! hard to be human but i sure would miss the beautiful growth if i weren't !!

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