New and confused - Al-Anon Family Group

bail01 · Member

New and confused

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi bail, noone can really tell you what you should do, it wouldnt make much difference really, this has to be your own decision. You are on the right track to knowing what the right thing to do is though, going to Alanon meetings will get you some clarity and awareness of alcoholism and after some time you will be better informed and will be able to make a decision that you can stick with and it will be the right one for you.x

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi bail,

You have heard of our 12 steps probably, but there is an even more basic process we call the three As -- Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. It sounds like you are well on your way to Acceptance. Going to Al Anon meetings will give you help towards the acceptance piece.

I recommend looking at lots of posts on the board here. There are a number of people in similar situations, or have been and now have experience coming through the other side. you should be able to glean lots of Experience Strength and Hope (we call ES&H) from that.

Peace
Kenny

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Bail, going to meetings, coming here, reading literature you will see all the truths for yourself.

Relapse is part of the disease. They will relapse right back to where they started. What you describe happens to most everyone doing their best to live with the A they love.

The disease does not discriminate, does not matter how intelligent or simple you are, doctor or lazy bum. My experience is I would never knowingly put my kids thru living with an A. That is just me.

It's so much more than them using a drug. It's attitude, lying, selfishness too and more. They honestly can do the best they can, but they are not in control.

Book, Getting them sober, toby rice drew volume one will teach ya oodles.

Go easy on yourself and him. When you both go to 12 step program you chances of more happiness are greater. A marriage with an A is not like a marriage with a non A. They will get sicker as they get older. I would never put my name on a house or car or loan or anything with an A. We learn in al anon that we are worth protecting ourselves from the pain the disease can put one thru.

You are on the right track. hugz, debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha B...you're not alone...you already can see that and you've leared some stuff, enough to find out where and when we get together in your area. Come quick, sit down, listen, learn and practice what we have learned and practice because we have been where you are at now. I read your post and hear your concern and see my own "what iffing" when I first found the program. The past made me crazy, angry and resentful and the future made me fearful beyond boundaries. It was in the program that I learned to live in the moment, the day and to let the past pass and not predict the future.

No there are no guarantees of recovery from addiction. This is a progressive disease that if not arrested by total abstinence on a daily basis will re-occur and when it does it gets worse and worse. Great that your boyfriend didn't for get what to do to get back thru the door of AA...that is for him to know and practice...daily. If the alcoholic does not arrest the disease they have two other options...insanity and or death. We also have those two options even though we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. We go thru all of the insanity wide awake and also need to arrest our part in it...the enabling and controling and managing and more.

Welcome to the board...stick around with us and come back often to share and let us hear how you are doing. Stay in the moment...sell your crystal ball and give up projecting into the future. One day at a Time. ((((hugs)))). smile

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Check out Face to Face meetings in your area. It is scary the first time you go but in so many ways it is such a relief to find people who are dealing with the same "stuff". I love this site too. The meetings, message boards are the best. I also go to open AA meetings and they help. It gives me a different perspective of everything. Also all of the books that are out there. I am hoping the best for you. It is tough. Take care, Jenny

astallaslions · Veteran Member

Hey hey, I'm in the same boat, except my fellow is a week sober, with no outside support. He hates meetings. We can't afford rehab, so I'm insanely fearful of a relapse. I've set the boundary, I can't have him drink in the house. We share an apartment, but I am the only one of the lease, and he feels this boundary is unfair as he doesn't have his own place, but I have to do what's right with in me, and you have to do what is right for you. If you love this person, no one can tell you that you what you should or shouldn't do. That is the great thing about alanon. There isn't anyone more wise, or more knowing in what you should do. The meetings are a sharing of experience. I haven't always had a great time, because it made me realize how much work I have to do, how I enabled his addiction at times, and how my whole world had undergone this massive descent.

I truly understand your fears. I have the same ones. I worry he will relapse, and I will reach my rock bottom in my recovery, and separate from the man I hoped to build my whole life with. I felt the lowest at times, the most unsettling rage, when I realized I had such a growing resentment for the one I loved, because I realized he'd never been fully present. I had been denying myself in believing that he had ever fully been there for me. Bless his heart, he has tried, and that is worth every moment we have had together. I don't really look at the future so much anymore, not that I'm just blind to it, but I take it one day at a time, and pray we can make it through this. I am fortunate to have a therapist who was married to an alcoholic, and a great support group of friends, but I do have to say my line of support dried out with my closest, longest friends, because unless you are living with or are in a relationship with an alcoholic, you can't truly understand; kinda like how we can only empathize on the alcoholic's struggle with sobriety, but we can't ever truly know the emotional and physical effects of new sobriety.

Alanon does help. I have been to a handful of meetings, but I always feel a sense of relief, because, like with this board, I realize, I am not alone. The steps are harder, I feel they are a guide, they are a tool to use to navigate your sobriety as a person who loves an alcoholic. I struggle with them as I have been an on-off atheist and an opponent to the idea that I had to do step work, when my fellow was doing....nothing. It didn't seem fair. There's a lot of emotions I've had to ride out. lack of sex in this new found sobriety has been extremely hard, but me getting off is a lot less important than my fellow's sobriety. The lack of conversation in general, he is so lost in his new found emotions, I feel he is even further away from me than when he was sober. Conflict is even more challenging because he doesn't just forget it happened next day, the problem stays until its addressed.

Hang in there and take care of you. Meetings help. If you decide to attend, I suggest not waiting until it feels like you are in crisis, which is what I did. I wished I had eased into it, instead of feeling like it was my only outlet. I hope I wasn't too preachy or yapped too long. I don't know who you are but I hope you and your guy find sobriety together and have a beautiful wedding day! : )

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Bail and Welcome to our board.
I want you to know that your boyfriend may very well be on his way to recovery and never have to take another drink. It is not true that alcoholics relapse, as a general or blanket statement. I am a what is called a "double winner". I got sober at the age of 32, and I am now 55. Yes, it took a few wake up calls when trying to get sober between 28 - 32 but the gift of recovery is available to everyone who truly wants it. I call those early attempts at sobriety the "getting ready" process. At 32 I finally surrendered and haven't had a drink since, thanks to AA, the people around me and a God that loves alcoholics as much as He loves all his children. Value each day of sobriety and allow your bf to find his way. Get to some face to face meetings and give yourself and him some time before making any decisions that change your wonderful life plans.

John

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

At age 19, I told the man I was in love with that I couldn't marry him if he continued drinking...so he quit. 28 years and several relapses later, I divorced him, and I had always thought "look what he did to me!" -- that was MY part in the illness. I refused to see what WAS, and was always holding out for what could be. It has taken me time and steps and self-work to realize that my part of this was my refusal to see reality...and continue hoping for what could be. Sure, there were good times, but the trauma, the lying, the verbal abuse make the good times harder to remember for me. I wasn't completely a victim...I played a part in the merry-go-round of the disease.

ALanon and the steps...and meetings...will help you sort through what you can and can't control, and what your part is in the crazymaking...it did for me. and if you venture into meetings...try not to be too quick to judge...every Alanon group is a little different, has a different vibe, and even within groups, meetings vary from one week to the next...5 years from now...you may be able to pay it forward with a newcomer just like you...

keep coming back,

RP

Courage · Veteran Member

Hi bail and welcome to Al-Anon. Glad you found us. Hope you have the opportunity to attend meetings in person.

Many of the feelings you mention sound very familiar to me, it's all to easy to think that I can 'control' what happens, when in reality I have no control over any of it. I can do other things though, like make myself a stronger & happier person and that takes up most of my time lately.

Hope you decide to keep coming back.

Yours in Recovery,

Della

bail01 · Member

thank you everyone. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. I will continue to come back and read through the posts.

Tan · Member

Hi. Iam new and confused too! Much older, married to an alcoholic and have three children. Of course would not trade that for anything. I think I shelter my kids from their dad's drinking butt he drinking isnt bee the problem. He is emotionally absent. Non affectionate. I feel like I live in a loveless marriage. I try to develop boundaries and he says it's like blackmail. I have so much to learn... I need so much help. Do I shelter the kids from my pain? Likely not..... That is my prayer and my hope from alanon. That. My kids will learn coping and loving skills despite the unpredictability we live with. a major obstacle I face is that I can not be to face to face meetings at all. They are in always in the evening at bedtime for my kids. I refuse the have the children miss bedtime routine and sit in front of TV instead of being read to, cuddles etc. when they are with their dad. They have full time screen time as that seems to be all he can offer. i feel like they need me I the evenings... I have no other family support for child are. That is why I am turning to on line support. I hope I can find answers here. thanks for listening !

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tan,

There online meetings here as well. I understand about wanting the kiddos to have bedtime cuddles, I still want to cuddle mine at bedtime and he's 13 years old, starting to balk at it, and breaking my heart! Upper left hand corner of the page takes you to the chat room, and shows the meeting schedule.

You can also just read posts from members here, or post your own pain/questions/experiences and let everyone respond.

We are pretty flexible here, but all want to help ourselves and others deal with alcohol problems.

Peace
Kenny

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.