The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
'I guess the moment everything changed was when I realized I deserved so much better.' and it just clicked.
I hav spend the past 2 months away from A, and lived back in my 'original' environment. Many moments of peace came over me, as well as many moments of grief, anger , sadness. well the whole palette I just let them. It's normal, natural that those feelings are there, when life happens so intensely. And I guess life and me and my A we got too intense in this combination. Separated, I managed to get a broader perspective. And this felt threatening.but at the same time healing. What I noticed especially, is how much I had changed into a justifying, defending Me. I noticed that I even had become like this with people that treated me kindly and with respect. It's a deformation I gained while living with the A, always defending myself, explaining myself, fighting for my space. well those two months felt like a holiday I felt healthier. There is a lot of work still to do with a all my own isms, and deformations, but self-worth is growing, and with that the need to defend myself becomes close to nonewhat a relief, how this works. click!
That is funny that you mention the need to defend yourself. I do this all the time and didn't realize it until you mentioned it. I justify my actions to everyone as well and never tied it to my AH, but it truly is tied to his behavior towards me. My A and I are separated too, actually heading towards a divorce. He has been out of the house for 5 months now and I just realized this weekend how nice it was to come home and I didn't have to walk on egg shells and I could do whatever I wanted without the fear of him using it against me in the future and I was not put down or made to feel like I was an idiot. It felt good that I was in a safe place. Although I miss him, I know I'm better off without him for my sanity and self worth. Thank you for the post, I will work on my behavior to not have to justify everything I do to anyone.
Your doing good Tortuga. Never feel the need to defend, explain, justify and or fight for space with anyone. You don't need to ....just take care of you and learn..... remember it's not your business what others think because you know what's right and what you want.
Stand tall with confidence and the courage to continue to move in the right direction.
((( happy hugs ))))
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Monday 3rd of February 2014 03:21:23 PM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Okay I arrive at and in class on time cause I was always told "when the student is ready the teacher(s)" arrive. Self defense and my head is creating the offense!! LOL I was working the slogan "WAIT" during work today because my head was yakking. "Why Am I Talking"? and I knew that what I was doing was carrying on as if I was still back there where it first started. I am a son of the daughter of an alcoholic who picked up, practiced and passed on the disease. I learned very well how to defend against "what"!!? insanity, always insanity. Nothing much ever made sense especially the constant power and control and punishments for not being who she though I should be and I wasn't a work in progress unless the work was about senseless defending and defaulted taking blame. I have been defending when I don't have to. I have been defending because my head is saying I am being blamed, shamed, accused of wrong-doings and none of it is real...just real old.
It once occured to me during a home group meeting that after I separated from my alcoholic family the disease left me with instructions on how to carry on their behaviors and I did. I had learned real well.
Okay now...I'm in class and I'm sitting down and I am listening...lets h ear about the work progressing into solutions. I know one solution which I haven't worked for a while because I just forgot to do it. SELF AFFIRMATIONS....talking good stuff to and about myself...what are others that this family does to stop the insanity?
THANK YOU all for your loving support along the way.
and Jerry, it clicked again when you said ' I have been defending because my head is saying I am being blamed, shamed, accused of wrong-doings and none of it is real...just real old.' yes that is so true, and I guess I am lucky that I am not a fan of ongoing HABITS i like change, because habits bore me, good ones not as much as bad ones, but yes I get boredand that saves my life right now. I got bored of my role in this, so bored!!! I thought many times that because of my constant need for change and looking for new challenges I was 'not normal', that something was wrong with me, I already got accused of being leading an 'unstable life'. well I don't think like that anymore. I am happy of that characteristic of mine. It's one of my biggest quality because it keeps me open to all that new unknown stuff out there. My life is so full of experiences because I am the way i am. I obviously sometimes pay a high prize for that, but that has been because I didn't learn how to set up real good boundaries and stick to them. I am sometimes quite naive and easily trusting, i believe in the honesty and kindness in peopleI might be a bit too idealistic indeedlol and that's why I got easily attracted to the narcissistic A. for he is charming, can be.
well I'm happy I'm learning this about myself, and know a little bit more where to focus on from now on. I think I am right where i need to be in timeI am a little bit slower than other people around me I need to admit, but who says life has to be lived fast?!
i can feel my real Self underneath there somewhere, and she is waiting to flourish It's spring, it's good timing
once again saying, I'm grateful since the day I found this board, so many windows and doors openedI'm even grateful for my teachers and lessons, to my A he showed me many defects of myself.
in gratitude, just for today
