I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I want to any more. - Al-Anon Family Group

SpiderArcana · Senior Member

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I want to any more.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My Dear Sister

I too cried so much wanting things to change. Wanted my son to be married, have a family and have happiness in our family. It's just not happening and for me to try and make it happen is fruitless. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I finally discovered Al-anon and MIP. I was told over and over that I am never going to find happiness until I change. I had to make it happen no matter what is going on around me.

You too can have happiness. You can be like so many other people around you. But my friend...it's starts with you. If you stay or if you go only you can start the healing for yourself.

God grant me the serenity to except the things I can not change.......
The courage to change the things I can.....
And the wisdom to know the difference.....

You can't change not one person in this whole wide world but yourself.

(((( hugs ))))

PS: You are NOT a failure....failure is final

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Spider))))

I agree with Cathy...the transformation from pain to happiness begins with you, and is all about you. What I am working on is when I feel that I don't know what to do, I trust that my HP does know, and all I have to do is continue to take care of myself. There was a post here in the past day or so (sorry I don't remember which one of us wrote this!) that 'God is bigger than all of my problems, and God's plan is better than any I have' (something like that...again, to whichever member of MIP who wrote this, sorry if I forgot something!). Anyway, I am trying to keep that in mind--that God is watching over and has a plan for me.

Wishing you lots of strength and support. You are not alone

YF

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember feeling like this, then I went got Alanon. I felt like a failure then I learned that I wasn't, something more powerful than me had wrecked my marriage, alcoholism. You are only one person living with a disease 'thats too much for most of us' Why take that blame on, learn about the disease because that frees you from that blame.
It sounds to me like you are accepting that you dont have a perfect or loving marriage that you hoped for. Its hard to face the realities but it is better than the lie in my experience. Comparing yourself to others is futile, you have no idea what others are living with or what a relationship is truly like.
I heard somewhere of a sponsor saying to their sponsee that she didnt have to make a decision on anything right now, write it out, put it on a shelf and leave it for 1 week, leave it to your higher power, take a rest from the whole thing and just be kind to yourself for now.x

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Hugs)))))) Spider

I feel as if I'm in a similar place - I agree with Cathy - you are NOT a failure. In fact I would lay money on you having been a very loving, kind and special spouse and I imagine that at some point your relationship was loving.

Recognising that AH and I are probably not going to make it has become an empowering thought for me (yes I cried buckets as well!) because it makes it a bit easier for me to explain/negotiate what I DO need in order to make it work now that I have acknowledged that I don't want to, and it doesn't have to, continue on AH's terms.

I've been reading a bit about abusive relationships and I was brought up short by 'fear of abandonment'. I could see the headline as I got found out - 'Independent, Cosmo reading career girl has fears of abandonment'. Oh boy! Life is full of lessons and this is one I'm intending on majoring in. I can now see where my fear comes from and I can see my feet planted on the ground (goodbye pink clouds). Baby steps. I'm learning and at the moment I'm too busy learning to bother with finding a new house, selling the old one and all the other bits and pieces involved in divorce. At the moment my priority is me.

PS Why are you worrying about your partners finances in the event that you separate?
PPS Nice that the pros still outweigh the cons.

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

oooo I feel your pain. If you can support yourself and can afford to walk away from your home maybe you should give yourself a gift and move out. Have you spoken to a lawyer to know what your rights to the home are? I do not want you to be saddled with debt if he were to default on the mortgage and your name is on the loan. Having said that, try to imagine a physical place where you are free of drama. It can be yours if you want it.

For me, walking on eggshells around my ABF is exhausting and it makes going home after work something to dread instead of a refuge. If I could wave a magic wand and *poof* he was gone I would do it in a heartbeat. My situation is different than yours as he lives in my house and drives my car so I have to proceed carefully through the legal process of evicting him. All I know is I fall asleep at night thinking of "how it will be" instead of "how it is" so I can stay positive. There is nothing I can do to 'fix' him and since he isn't willing to help himself; charity work is no longer my 'part-time' job.

Here is a big e-hug for you SpiderArcana, stay strong.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

SpiderArcana wrote:
I feel like such a failure as a person, and as a wife. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I was supposed to be in a loving marriage with someone who respected me. So many other people around me have found such happiness, and all I have is this charade - this pretend marriage. Just two people living in a house of broken promises, resentment, and regret.
I don't know what to do with any of this. I can barely type because I'm crying so hard. I don't know what else to do.
We've both tried so hard.

Spider, we never have posted on each other , but I ran across this and I am wondering why are YOU the failure in this marriage??? Dunno you or your situation but I thought a failed marriage took TWO folks.....and this isn't a blame game, this is a marriage that did not work...why??? was it abuse?? alcoholism??? (suspect #2) and so how could it be your failure if he isn't working a sober and intense AA problem??? yea, you had a part , maybe, but I see you here, I don't see any evidence he is in AA.....I know what ya mean by "other people around me have found such happiness"......i felt that way too.......like my life was cursed w/bad karma and others get all God's help, and i get his stinking challenges

BUT, I see that God is infinitely fair and its man who dishes out the crap and unfairness...and life can be unfair too, but we , WE CAN change that by changing oursleves....we CAN draw better karma to us by our thoughts, deeds, behaviours and then character.....

sometimes folks are just NOT a match....either one or both changes and relationship ends, or one wants recovery and the other does not, or they just grow apart....it happens....life carries no guarantees.......we gotta make our own way, our own lives, and realize and accept that nothing, not even life long relationships last forever....even perfect scenarios we lose folks by death.....so there is this little part ofme that never gets too attached b/c I know at some point in time I am gonna have to let go and let them go....either to the other side or to another life w/out me.....

If I were you, I would step up the meets, talk w/my spnsor or other trusted recovery mate, get to work on the steps, read and practice the slogans that apply to this situation and one that comes to mind....KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME....that is what I would do.....cry....feel the emotions....journalling helps......come here and do what you did with this post......just FEEL till you can come to a place where you can think and think rationally....I would not make a rash decision while in an emotional state...I would rant, vent, cuss, cry, scream, journal, and work the steps, till i was at a more calm place and do what I gotta do to take care of me.....

that is what I would do................please use what you can and discard the rest....

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Spider, are you going to meetings, have a sponsor and working the steps? I went back through your posts and don't see much mention of it and I read you expressing a lot of concern centered on him. What about you?

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

likemyheart wrote:
Spider, are you going to meetings, have a sponsor and working the steps? I went back through your posts and don't see much mention of it and I read you expressing a lot of concern centered on him. What about you?

Dear Like, I did the same thing that you did...went back to prev. posts b/c mine was kinda "generic" and I wanted to make sure I could offer up some more ES&H that was useful and noted the same thing you did.....no references re: program components....

I look for posts that show "my sponsor told me................" or "well i am on step 3 AGAIN.............." or SOME ref. to the program, "heard at a meeting.............." .....Like me..when I am posting, i always offer up what step, or how i called my sponsor, or what slogan i am practicing, or SOMETHING of a solution b/c that is what gets me off my compulsions and ON me, where I belong and I can only help myself....

Spider, I do hope that you are going to meets , and have a sponsor.....working the steps/slogans/literature, because like Likemyheart said, I saw no reference to program work.........and I know for me....if i am not working my program IN FULL...I let my compulsions and my "others" take the focus OFF me and onto them....BAD place to be in......

I would like to see you post on what you are doing (program wise) for YOU...

JUST saying...

Mari1978 · Senior Member

I often blamed myself for having children with 2 men who had issues. So very grateful to have found Al anon. I count my babies as my blessings. I am not a failure as a mother.

I didn't cause it, I cant control it and I cant fix it.

Please be gentle with yourself.

Sending love and support always.

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

Hi Spider:) I was just on here for a quick read, when you caught my eye! This really touched me today, and I have found myself feeling a lot like this over the past year. Some days it comes on suddenly, like last night I was at the dollar stores looking at cookies and the tears welled up in my eyes. Why am I alone looking at cookies for him? The funny thing was something in a little e-newsletter I get....I don't usually read it but last issue caught my eye...the title was Relationships are NOT meant to last Forever. Then it went on to list some of the reasons people, esp women stay in relationships that are detrimental to them. The author believes that many women stay with someone for fear that they'll never do any better, or more aptly, there'll never be anyone else interested in them. I've been guilty of that. And then, another e-article caught my interest on the same general topic, about not attaching a sense of permanence to your relationships and if they end, they were meant for a learning experience. It's easy to read and write these things, but quite different to try and remember when you're stuck in the trenches. Spider, you're not alone in this, we are right here with you. ((((Hugs))))

SpiderArcana · Senior Member

I haven't been to meetings, nor do I have a sponsor. I've been working the steps on my own and with my therapist, and, of course, posting and getting advice from the very kind and understand people here. I journal, I read up on the subject. I know I'm co-dependent, and I've been working hard on that.

I know I'm not the failure, or not the only one. I know he has a disease, and that he's tried to make positive changes in his life. I also know that those changes don't cover up the fact that he's lying to himself, and until he stops or gets with a program he is unlikely to stop.

I know, and yet I'm still furious. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be happy, supportive marriage, good life together, all that jazz. This sort of thing happens to other people. Not me. Which, I also know, is a childish, unhelpful response. I'm supposed to be focusing on me, what makes me happy, and what I can do to make my life the way I want it to be. I think I just keep looking back and seeing his monster following me.

Despite everything, all the crap he and the alcoholism have put me through, I am so reluctant to hurt him. He seems perfectly fine to throw negative words my way, but me doing it to him is a different matter. I'm not afraid to be alone, or of never finding someone else (that's the least of my concerns). If I could tell him I was leaving without any crying or emotions from him, I would. He just manages to pull me back in every time, because it breaks my heart to see him that way.

I know all of these things, and I can't seem to break the cycle.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

((Spider)), like Raven I saw your post and felt compelled to read it and respond. I was in tears just this AM berating myself for being a failure as a mother to a special needs child, for not getting him the help he needed earlier, and for not being able to keep my marriage together. It's so easy, isn't it, to fall into self deprecating thoughts and mindsets. But, we have the power to change that. I went to a meeting this AM, I was the youngest one there by far. The women in those rooms helped lift me up and I was near tears when I shared on what the second step meant to me and how I was applying it to my life now.

I needed the real people in the rooms of Al Anon to remind me that I am human and that I will fall, yet learning to take heart in that awareness because it's what makes me feel so NOT alone. You also, are not alone. You are not a failure. You are a human being and a child of God and you are loved. Be gentle on yourself and find some quiet time to remind yourself of how wonderful you are as a person. We are not just labels here on earth: we aren't just wife, husband, mother father, child, aunt, etc. We are so much more than that. So, if your marriage fails, it doesn't make you a failure of a human being. It just means your marriage didn't work out. You, as a human being, are working out just fine. You are on the path that your HP has set before you. Pray, set aside some time to reflect on just who you really are and cherish the beauty that your HP created in you!

As others have said, it takes two to make and keep a marriage going. You can't force a square peg into a round hole. Trust me I tried that for years. I still live with my AH. I struggle daily with feelings of guilt, failure, and shame. But, I've seen so many others find peace and serenity through Al Anon, that I know my feelings are fleeting and that I can change them at will. Sending you hugs and support and love today! ((Spider))

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Just saw your second post above. I understand how you feel. Man, I feel that way a lot. My heart sinks when I see an elderly couple holding hands and loving on each other. I wanted that for us and I know he wanted that for us too. I think you're at the point where you are working on acceptance. Acceptance is so hard (well, it was for me) because it made me realize that I had my head in the sand and I created a fairy tale in my own mind of a marriage that was so dysfunctional. There are days when I wish I could bury my head in the sand and go back to playing pretend. Sometimes the truth hurts and that has been difficult for me. On the other side of that, though, is relief. Relief that I don't have to fool myself or lie to myself anymore about how my marriage really is.

I was angry. I still am at times. You know, when my friend lost her son last year to leukemia, I remember reading her blog and feeling my heart and soul go out to her as a mother. She wanted her son to live. She wanted that white picket fence with the perfect healthy children, the perfect husband, the vacations, the joy, etc. She shared and poured out her heart one day and I wept when I read her blog. She was angry because she wanted HER WILL to be done. She had to accept what was GOD'S WILL for both herself and for her deceased son. Sometimes we don't have all the answers, sometimes things just don't work out as WE had planned. For me, the solution has been in the steps and finding acceptance for what God's will is for my life and for those around me.

SpiderArcana · Senior Member

ilovedogs wrote:
I think you're at the point where you are working on acceptance. Acceptance is so hard (well, it was for me) because it made me realize that I had my head in the sand and I created a fairy tale in my own mind of a marriage that was so dysfunctional. There are days when I wish I could bury my head in the sand and go back to playing pretend. Sometimes the truth hurts and that has been difficult for me. On the other side of that, though, is relief. Relief that I don't have to fool myself or lie to myself anymore about how my marriage really is.

I think you're right. Acceptance has been a long time in coming. I know I've felt all of the other parts of grief (I assume for my marriage). Did not expect this part to hurt as much as it does.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Spider))))...It took me two trips to get into the program. The first trip ended short because I still had some self will left to try to help me over power the disease. The second trip came when I was completely power...less. I was done and if I didn't get help I was going to do myself in. I reached the point where I would call Help in Emotional Troubles and the Suicide Prevention Center...neither had anyone available to help and then my finger found the "A" section of the telephone book and was right over the word Al-Anon. I had not even remembered I had tried it once before. I got a live person who knew how my shoes fit and where my soul was lost and who invited me to my first for "real" Al-Anon meeting at the College Church of Christ Al-Anon Family Groups which became my home group. I came to understand that I was responsible for the unmanagability of my life and I came to distrust my own choices and justifications. I "made a decision" to turn my will and my life over to the rooms, the people in the rooms and the Higher Power they spoke of. If I continued to do the things I decided to do I would continue to get the things I was getting. I took the suggestions very seriously because I wanted to live, happy, joyous and free. I followed the suggestions whole heartedly and did not attempt engineer my own recovery with the same brain that I arrived with. They use to say in the beginning that after a period of trial time in Al-Anon I found and decided that it wasn't for me; I could leave and try anything else I wanted and they would gladly refund my misery. That actually made me nauseaus and angry. I was sick of where I had come from and insensed that anyone would want me back there...however the choice was mine; Work the program as suggested or stay in the insanity of the disease. My self inventory was and still is..."Am I working my recovery the very best that I can? Am I leaving anything out"? If you're trying to do this on your own and by yourself, your chances are not very good. You deserve the very best that the program offers and gives. I know you are a loving person...that's easy to tell. I can hear your value system speak "Love always" and pray that means you also and always. I was told to get to 90 meetings in 90 days and get the literature and a sponsor. I got the meetings and the literature and then after working thru much fear...the sponsors.

You only fix this by fixing your self and you can only do it with someone elses repair manual.

Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry F wrote:

Work the program as suggested or stay in the insanity of the disease. My self inventory was and still is..."Am I working my recovery the very best that I can? Am I leaving anything out"? If you're trying to do this on your own and by yourself, your chances are not very good. You deserve the very best that the program offers and gives. I was told to get to 90 meetings in 90 days and get the literature and a sponsor. I got the meetings and the literature and then after working thru much fear...the sponsors.
You only fix this by fixing your self and you can only do it with someone elses repair manual.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))

Jerry , I so agree....I said the same thing...Now its time for me to , in peace and compassion, to let go and let God....Spider when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I hope you do as Jerry so wisely shared...this program has the suggestions for a very very good reason....w/out the meetings and sponsor and ALL the program suggests, there is little or no chance of real recovery.....There just is not....

re: others recovery approach of lack thereof, I am powerless....God is not.....I will send prayers that you make the decision to focus on you, take care of you...work on you....and work this program as it is suggested and tried and true for you......Peace....

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

When I see the elderly couple that seems happy, and I'm pretty pissed off jealous about it, I think back to some of the happiest elderly couples I know. Most of them have weathered some pretty heavy duty stuff, and were able to find peace through it, whether it was cancer, infidelity, alcoholism, etc. Now they look peaceful and happy because they went through all the same crap that we are going through but came out the other side for the better.

That's the hope I have in Al Anon. That I can be one of those happy old people (some day of course lol) that has gone through the storm and turned the lemons into lemonades and now has peace in his life.

Peace
Kenny

hopes314 · Senior Member

Oh I feel my marriage isn't what I hoped and dreamed but I know it is my reality. I don't like the way my thoughts process my whole life and I think my thoughts are distorted. I am in a spiral downwards.
So many negative emotions and thoughts invade my life. I am truly beated down by living with an A. He has stopped for at least this moment.

I think the first step being aware of your life and how unmanageable it has become. The awareness is a rude awakening that the fantasy marriage is over.
You mean people don't live isolated from others, lies, manipulation, mentality abused, with infidelity, with disrespect, and hurt each other a million times. The love has been broken.
I feel I am in shock. Reading everyone's post I think I am understanding that knowing my problem will set me free. I know that living with myself and the awful thinking is overwhelming.
I feel I have worked so hard to get to this point --- bottom. And here I go again i have to work harder to get to get to-- top "my recovery". I am so tired and so resisting to my recovery and what I have to do to regain my sanity. It feels like I am 15 years old and my mom is making me clean up my room and I don't want to do it but I need to do it. No one is going to help me, but it is myself that needs to be cleaned up.
I understand I look at my AH and there is the relationship broken. I am realizing I can't fix him but I can fix myself.
The awareness hurts that my life isn't picture perfect. But someone said this is Gods Will that this has entered my life and now I am left with the broom. I think I am at the point I am picking up the broom and beating the living tar out of it. But at the same time " hey this is my broom" why am I being so rough with it. Maybe I need to do this to move on to the next step.
My life is so big so wrong and I alone can't do this. I forgot I don't have to do this all alone. I can give it to my HP. Why did I think I could fix my whole life by myself.
I hear my God has got a plan for me, if I will listen and give him everything I hate in my life, he will take it all. My bad marriage, my AH, and all my woes.
I -- like you deserve enormous happiness. Not just a little happiness. I want pure joy in everything in my life. I am tired of waddling in this muck of my life.. I just realized I don't even have to make plans. I am so sick of everything. Maybe this where " I let go and let God" help me.
Because you shared your story about your life. It has opened the door on mine.
I think I am resisting to have to WORK on getting myself better. I am grumbling, stomping, angry so angry, I have to do this action and take full responsibility of my recovery to have a good cleaned out mind and body. It really doesn't make sense why I wouldn't want to help myself to be a better person. I do so feel paralyzed to making a decision gosh for myself. What does it mean if I gave to do something about it and take that first step. Why was I born with so much stubbornness.?
We might feel like we are a failures (because who said it was), but don't failures turn around and be successes? Isn't that failure giving you the power and drive you need to bring about change to say it is time for a change. Is that failure the fire you need to see what happiness really is?
I think and analyze way too much. I am trying to turn my thinking around not to stay in the failure mode thought which can lead me down that spiral path that is misery, but there is a positive twist that I am starting to see if I squint. Maybe I need to squint more.
My life is a mess if I take society approach that I am suppose to have the perfect dream that everything is OK. I do think we can have perfect moments in that dream..
I think everything rests on working though your emotions and trying to stay on the happy part of the messed up dream. To find the positive side because that is the happy side..
Sorry I ranting on.so many good advice and wisdom. I think alnon is helping me See the happiness is there within me and I can have it no matter what the circumstances are .. I do know it will take me work with God to get to that place.. you are allowed to come to. I hear happiness is free and available to all..
Cheers...I do hear you.
Hope

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.